To not understand why DH has like no pride in our home? And is a lazy fucker to boot

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Been with DH a long time and a DIY er he isn't. That's fair enough.

However, what isn't fair is the fact that he insists on trying to do any job himself. This involves him either doing it on the cheap, repairing things rather than replacing, with any old crap he finds lying around, or someone gives(dumps on) him.

These jobs he mostly doesn't finish properly or takes an extortionate amount of time to do. Has like an idea and will go all on it, until one day maybe it's raining and he can't do it , or he's too busy and it fizzles out.

I'm sick of it tbh. Our house is mostly a shambles. He doesn't seem bothered. Certain jobs we have no choice to pay tradespeople. Our house is old so it's never straightforward.
He gets very irritated for example, if I say "oh the bedroom needs plastering".
Either will say its fine, or offer to do some bodge up job himself. I will ignore him in these instances and get quotes and pay someone. He's often pretty disinterested or even arsed and doesn't get involved (in an arsey way).

I honestly think he would happily live in the house with no decorating or new things bought for the rest of his life.

We have had conversations about this millions if times and I'm at a loss of what to do.
Even a simple I thing like I will buy a new lamp is never simple, comes with 'nothing wrong with one we got, or my mum/random bloke at work has a spare/giving one away.

He doesn't like doing anything if he can help it. Home from work, shower and telly.
He does stuff with dc as I've said. Doesn't seem massively interested in any social life or holidays unless i suggest and then he agrees(to a degree).
I could do the 'male ' jobs l guess but he wouldnt really do the 'female' Jobs either. So we would also have a dirty house as well as a tatty one!!

So it’s actually both of you choosing not to do the decorating and upgrading?

I cant afford to do it all alone
I could try building the furniture but he would probably say don't be daft, its to bloody heavy I will do it!!
It's just when he can be arsed.

It’s fine to refuse, but that means accepting it won’t get done. Personally I’d rather do it myself and have the furniture built than refuse out of principle and it just stay in the box, wasting cash and taking up space.

Millions of people can't afford to upgrade their homes the way they like - home ownership isn't cheap and getting new windows and kitchens is expensive. If you can't afford to it and can't do it yourself, maybe you need to just make the best of it?

If you want the furniture building, just do it. If he says he'll do it - say "well, it's been sat there for months and you haven't touched it so it needs doing. You're welcome to help if you like". He doesn't get to veto you doing it - just ignore him and carry on.

No I always say for example shall we get the Hall redecorated.he will say its fine.
It's not.
So he won't agree to buying or helping me or pay someone.
I'm not saying this as one of those people who just likes changing the decor. Not at all . I'm saying it as it's tatty, outdated. I mean done once since we moved in.

So you say something, and then neither of you decorates.

Come on, you are both as bad as each other here. If you want to paint your hall, go out, buy some paint, and paint your hall. He doesn’t care, or think it needs doing, you do, so you need to do it.

But this is just having different preferences/opinions.

There's nothing inherently wrong with having a tatty and outdated hallway - it's not hurting anyone or causing any damage to your property to have (say) old wallpaper or an ugly colour of paint on the walls.

He isn't bothered and you are, so you really only have three options - learn how to do it yourself, save up to get it done or accept that you can't always afford to have what you want and live with it.

I mean, our bathroom is tatty and our kitchen needs replacing - but as things stand, both are functional and we can't really afford to get them replaced or upgraded so we've just had to make do with "surface repairs". We've painted all the walls and cupboards, bought sticky-back plastic to change the look of the worktops, bought new towels/accessories to make the place brighter and more appealing etc.

It's not the same but it's made a big difference and it's better than nothing. There's plenty you can do to "jazz the place up" without spending a fortune.

So 20 years ago you bought a house..and you haven't looked after it.

Or 20 years ago you bought a doer upper and then he disagree to actually do it up?

At that point why didn't you just sell the house?

I'm trying to understand how this situation has arisen over 20 years.

I think it’s relatively simple. Neither of them has bothered to do any work on it at all.

The husband has at least tried bringing in some rescued furniture, but the OP, of what she’s posting is accurate, has done literally nothing.

For some reason it’s not her fault though, and she won’t even put up some ikea furniture because, I think, she has a bit of a hurty hand or something.

There's only so much I can do or afford to do alone.
I cant plaster a ceiling for example!!.everything needs stripping back to basics.
It's not like a quick lick of paint or I'd do it!!

Seriously? Is this how it sounds. Well I'm not explaining myself well.
So the majority of posters who clearly think I'm being unreasonable, would be happy to live in a scruffy house unless they paid for everything themselves or did everything themselves.
And wouldn't mind a Dh bringing home tatty mismatched furniture? Really?

But if you can’t, why think that your husband can?

I’m sorry, I know that you feel that this is harsh, but you are blaming the only one of the couple who has made at least a half-arsed attempt to get some new furniture in. This just comes across as unreasonable. If you want it done, then dip into your savings and have someone do it, or dip in a bit less and do it yourself.

I totally understand your desire to have a nicer house to come home to, I’d feel exactly the same in your position, but if DH had no interest I’d organise with myself.

Wasn't a doer upper as such. Just a normala house but bit outdated
Didn't realise that wasn't just a simple case of decorating or as a newly wed didn't realise dh so disinterested.

I’ve wanted more work done recently than DH did. He’d have been fine leaving it a bit longer, so I had a proper talk with him about what I wanted, sourced and arranged the decorators, and then paid for it out of the joint account.

Hy not give a couple of coats of paint to the rooms where that’s enough to make a difference, put the IKEA furniture together, and then have a serious conversation about how important it is for you to get some of the other work done?

@Iusedtobecarmen - You are getting some very odd responses here. I'm actually quite flabbergasted that some posters keep harassing you to 'just get it done if it bothers you so much'!! Whereas, to me at least, it is clear that...

Your house is very old, and old houses require ongoing, serious maintenance. It's not a question of merely slapping on a coat of paint and assembling a piece of IKEA furniture.

You husband is not prepared to help at all, nor is he willing to contribute financially to the clearly necessary upkeep of the house. Why should you have to fund all this out of your own pocket?

Nor does he pull his weight with all the everyday housekeeping stuff. Leaving you with little or no time to do much to improve your home.

He doesn't care about your feelings, or your unhappiness about having to live in what to you is a hovel. People can argue till the cows come home that it cannot possibly be as bad as you make out - but the fact is that the current state of the house causes you to be deeply unhappy........ And he just doesn't care.

And that's the bottom line: HE SIMPLY DOESNT CARE.

The question is: are you prepared to go on living like this, till the end of your days? Because you know perfectly well that he won't change. 💐

House maintenance comes out of the joint house budget. You needed to have included funds for regular maintenance

OP, is there actually money available in your savings for this work? If not, then irrespective of what you’d like, you aren’t in a position to do it anyway.

If you do have the savings, have you discussed what they are intended for?

Yes - because ultimately there's nothing wrong with living in a scruffy house. It's not hurting anyone or causing any health/safety issues. It's just personal preference that you want it to look different.

If you don't want tatty, mismatched stuff then save up and buy new, or look on Marketplace/eBay and get something cheap that you do like. Having mismatched furniture isn't doing anyone any harm - you'd just prefer something different. As it stands, all our garden furniture is stuff DH got free at work. Our dining table/chairs are hand-me-downs from his parents and the bookshelf in the living room was another work freebie.

When DH and I bought this house, pretty much everything in it was tatty and mismatched as we couldn't afford anything else. Some of it still is because it's all functional and doesn't actually need replacing. Lots of stuff has been painted or re-decorated to match over the years but a lot of it would probably still be seen as tatty. I can't say it bothers me to be honest.

Our home is neat and clean and organised - that's enough for me. When I've wanted new (non-essential) stuff over the years, I've saved up and bought it. Likewise if DH wants new (non-essential) stuff, he does the same thing.

If we need to replace something essential (like a broken bed, ancient sofa or damaged crockery) it'll come out of joint funds, but anything that's more of a personal "want" is bought out of our personal spends. As an example, I wanted more storage for the living room - DH was happy with what we had so I went out and bought a cheap bookshelf, made it and painted it the colour I wanted. I wanted, so IMO it was up to me to source it, build it up and fit it as necessary.

Also, he's painting the shed.

No one who is utterly disinterested in their surroundings paints a shed.

He clearly has different priorities to you. Recycling, making do etc.

Neither is better or worse. Just different.

Agree that core essential maintenance is joint budget. Eg bed breaks
Desk for children etc.

Nice to have items, cushions, vases etc. Personal spend

And also agree that unless there are thousands in the family pot for a new kitchen, then it's all academic anyway

@FlowerArranger
Thank you
At last someone gets what I'm on about.
I don't believe all these posters who say be grateful that he brings home cast offs. When I see posters homes on these threads when they share pictures. Nope. Don't believe it.

I have a good well paid job and him too(slightly less, but not much but he has regular overtime) and everything and I mean everything is done in the cheap.

We don't have joint savings. I save for what I need. He saves but doesn't really spend as such as nothing he wants or needs.

@FlowerArranger
And I'm not sure that I am able put up with this. Originallyit was a bit of a joke and I kind of wasn't so fussed. Now its getting ridiculous and I'm sick of it.
Hes like Ebenezer scrooge.