To not understand why DH has like no pride in our home? And is a lazy fucker to boot

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Been with DH a long time and a DIY er he isn't. That's fair enough.

However, what isn't fair is the fact that he insists on trying to do any job himself. This involves him either doing it on the cheap, repairing things rather than replacing, with any old crap he finds lying around, or someone gives(dumps on) him.

These jobs he mostly doesn't finish properly or takes an extortionate amount of time to do. Has like an idea and will go all on it, until one day maybe it's raining and he can't do it , or he's too busy and it fizzles out.

I'm sick of it tbh. Our house is mostly a shambles. He doesn't seem bothered. Certain jobs we have no choice to pay tradespeople. Our house is old so it's never straightforward.
He gets very irritated for example, if I say "oh the bedroom needs plastering".
Either will say its fine, or offer to do some bodge up job himself. I will ignore him in these instances and get quotes and pay someone. He's often pretty disinterested or even arsed and doesn't get involved (in an arsey way).

I honestly think he would happily live in the house with no decorating or new things bought for the rest of his life.

We have had conversations about this millions if times and I'm at a loss of what to do.
Even a simple I thing like I will buy a new lamp is never simple, comes with 'nothing wrong with one we got, or my mum/random bloke at work has a spare/giving one away.

Well I probably wouldn't choose ikea but cheaper and a compromise to him over something he doesn't agree with replacing.

Also, I'm not being a helpless female but really it's not unreasonable to help me build and lug a heavy piece of furniture when he's physically bigger and stronger and I've just had an operation?

Maybe yeah
But I think he would prefer DIY over say cleaning the loo or cooking.

My OH is crap at DIY and has terrible attention to detail.
He would happily paint a wall, but not notice he has trodden in gloss paint which has dried on every step up the stairs.
Luckily I have good DIY skills, and if it is too big a job I hire a tradesman- I don't ask before hand.6

His friends must love him. It's such a pain having to go to the tip. They can just give it to him instead.

I don't think he sounds awful, he just doesn't have the same priorities as you.

I guarantee most homes in this country need some work doing to them but it's a matter of priorities and interests.

I'd rather pay someone to do DIY than use up my free time - others don't see the point in paying someone to do something they can do themselves for free and others just don't really care.

I don't think it makes him a man-child as PP have stated - I mean, if DH decided we needed new flat-pack furniture, didn't ask me and then told me I needed to give up my free time to assemble it, I'd probably not be too impressed to be honest.

It clearly wasn't essential if it's been sat in a box for ages so I do think if it's something you want to have (as opposed to something you need) then it's on you to build it and sort it.

I guess I need to resign myself to living in a shithole unless I assemble stuff myself or pay for jobs to be done. As he won't pay or don't as doesn't think it's necesary.

Taken together with everything else you've said about him, this makes me wonder why you stay. So much resentment, no sense of a truly shared life, or mutual love or affection. And he's lazy and stingy...

😁

I wonder the same

@mountainsunsets
I get that. I don't expect a perfect home. But mine is embarrassing.
Lived here 20 years and some rooms never been done at all. Just basics. And only if I've instigated it.
I try my best by buying bits here and there
But its exhausting.

No man has ever willingly bought cushions.

Tidy and clean is one thing, colour of walls I genuinely don't give a shit about.

I can't do DIY so I don't try.

I get plumbers in to fix taps.

I could spend 30k on my house and have the same house. Why do that?

I don't live in a shit tip but can see where he's coming from.

Weekends for me are about meeting people, not the house.

Then start paying a handyman, or do it yourself.

I understand that you’d like him to take the lead, but given that you’re making excuses too rather than putting your IKEA furniture together it seems that neither of you is both willing and able to keep on top of things.

Dh and I put some music on, I’m in charge (my choice) of organising all the bits (screws, washers, nails etc) and we work through the instructions together.
Yeah, sometimes it takes hours but the end result is worth it.

If he’s unwilling to do anything or pay for it to be done he needs to go. He sounds like an energy drainer.

I could imagine he could equally write a post about his DP never being happy with anything he does , always spending money on unnecessary things , constantly trying to renovate thing which are currently fine.....

But he clearly doesn't find it embarrassing so sees no need to change it, and that's just as valid as you feeling embarrassed and wanting to change it. Your wants don't automatically come before his.

I just feel like if the furniture was important, you'd have done it already, and the same applies to getting the bedroom re-plastered - if you feel like it needs doing, just get it done. He doesn't care so why sit there getting resentful over something only you have the power to change?

I mean, he probably feels like you don't care either if you've bought furniture that's just sat in the box for weeks/months on end. Why buy it if you're not going to assemble it and use it?

I get that you just want him to care, but really, you can't force him to be bothered just because you're bothered. Life isn't that simple unfortunately!

You kind of lost me here. You’re not doing it either. So you can’t really complain. You just “buy bits and pieces” and even find that exhausting.

I think if neither of you wish to do the work to maintain and improve your home environment then neither can complain at the other. You’ve no ground here for complaint.

I enjoy doing my home, my environment matters, I don’t want to live in a shit hole or a shambles so I do it. I will paint a room or book a trade, I will go and buy furniture or decorative accessories.

if neither of you wish to do this and you also argue over who pays then you are resigned to continuing to live as you are. As neither of you want to do it.

His approach is far better for the environment. You don't need to go out and buy a load of new things all the time.

@Stichintimesavesstapling
Think you are missing the point. We don't really have anything new.
Lived in house 20 years. Got a 1970s kitchen.
Old windows in some rooms. Old skirting boards repainted a billion times(not in a good way).

Like up until recently, tatty old fashioned anaglypta wallpaper, painted over multiple times. When ive suggested us getting a decorator to wallpaper he offered to repaint over it(again).

I cant hang wallpaper and neither can he. Obviously one of us could learn or try but probably look shit. I don't really have the time physically.

In the end I paid for a decorator to do it. Fair enough. But he didn't see that eventually we had to strip the walls and start again. Was happy to keep repainting.
And the example upthread regarding garden furniture. Our old set was tatty and broken.
His answer was bring home a second hand set from a man at work with 4 chairs whens theres 6 of us.
Am I really being unreasonable?
I don't want or expect a beautiful house with brand new stuff. I'm talking half decent.

I'm happy buying used. Buy clothes from vinted for example. Hardly buy new these days.

I get the ikea flat packed furniture was a huge mistake. Buying an item when he didn't agree and expecting him to build it was not ok. That won't happen again.

@Thestagshead
No i meant I find him exhausting. I'm happy to paint etc maintain the house as best that I can. Or pay someone for jobs I cant or don't have time for.

He doesn't want to pay anyone unless absolutely necessary like a plumber or electrician.
Not happy really doing any DIY or maintenance and if he does, he picks jobs and does them the way he wants. Usually shit or unfinished job.
Using materials lying around or given to him.
Today for instance, he decided to randomly paint the shed. Yes,it needed doing ,but not as much as some other jobs. Anyhow, he's painted it with some paint he found at work. Grey.

Not what I wanted or would have chosen. If I had said anything he would have gone off in a huff.

I also don't understand why you don't do it yourself. Maybe not straight after an operation but you've lived there 20 years.

Of course you can paint and wallpaper a room .

But more fundamental you sound really unhappy with your partner

If all these issues bother you so much, I don't understand why you haven't done anything about it in the past twenty odd years?

If you want to upgrade the kitchen, arrange for it to happen.
If you want new windows or skirting boards, get someone in fit them.
If you dislike the furniture he got for free, go out and buy some new stuff you like instead. You don't need his permission.

He's shown you that he doesn't care, but tbh it seems like you don't care much either if you haven't bothered to do anything about it yourself over the past two decades.

I mean - lots of people don't bother upgrading their homes until it's necessary. My in-laws' kitchen is straight out of the seventies but it's perfectly clean and functional and doesn't need upgrading so they haven't bothered. They can't be bothered with the mess and hassle it will bring when their current kitchen works just fine.

It's perfectly valid not to want to pay for anyone unless necessary. Clearly none of this work is necessary or it would have been sorted before you - it's all "wants" and if you want stuff more than him, you need to be the one to sort it.

Yes maybe I could do it myself but it would be a huge job in our house . Remember old house, no maintenance over the years. Not as easy as a lick of paint or re papering nice smooth walls. Otherwise I'd happily squeeze it in.
Plaster would fall off if I tried stripping some of the wallpaper!!!
I'm not unhappy overall. Just getting to a stage where it's all getting a bit much.

I agree that you don't sound happy in general, so I'm hesitant to offer too much advice. But I do think that for this particular issue it seems that you've decided that he should be doing 'boy' jobs, you do the 'girl' ones, and then getting angry that he's not doing what you feel he should. But that seems to be an agreement you've assumed. You say he'd rather do the DIY than cook or clean the loo - have you asked? It would be very reasonable to say that he clearly isn't doing half of the work and so he either needs to start doing more of what he is doing, or taking over more of what you do (the 'girl' jobs). If he refuses both options he's clearly in the wrong. But assigning jobs without discussion and then getting angry about it isn't an ok approach either.

I get this

But I cant afford to pay for all of this and he wouldn't contribute as he doesn't agree with it being done!!
His response would be to repair/repaint or do something to avoid it being replaced, redecorated or refitted.
I'm.talking thousands for each job!!!
If I had the cash I'd get insomeone in and do a huge over haul.

Why don't you have joint finances?

I get it's expensive, but you've both chosen to leave it and to be honest, it reads like neither of you have been that bothered about it, or something would have changed by time.

He's happy re-painting and doing it himself - that's no less valid than you wanting stuff refitting and replacing. You want the more expensive option so IMO it should be mainly down to you to organise and fund it.

Or, you do what most of us do and just live with it as owning a home and doing repairs and refits is bloody expensive and a hassle!