To not understand why DH has like no pride in our home? And is a lazy fucker to boot

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Been with DH a long time and a DIY er he isn't. That's fair enough.

However, what isn't fair is the fact that he insists on trying to do any job himself. This involves him either doing it on the cheap, repairing things rather than replacing, with any old crap he finds lying around, or someone gives(dumps on) him.

These jobs he mostly doesn't finish properly or takes an extortionate amount of time to do. Has like an idea and will go all on it, until one day maybe it's raining and he can't do it , or he's too busy and it fizzles out.

I'm sick of it tbh. Our house is mostly a shambles. He doesn't seem bothered. Certain jobs we have no choice to pay tradespeople. Our house is old so it's never straightforward.
He gets very irritated for example, if I say "oh the bedroom needs plastering".
Either will say its fine, or offer to do some bodge up job himself. I will ignore him in these instances and get quotes and pay someone. He's often pretty disinterested or even arsed and doesn't get involved (in an arsey way).

I honestly think he would happily live in the house with no decorating or new things bought for the rest of his life.

We have had conversations about this millions if times and I'm at a loss of what to do.
Even a simple I thing like I will buy a new lamp is never simple, comes with 'nothing wrong with one we got, or my mum/random bloke at work has a spare/giving one away.

Mine was like this, so I just started doing things and not involving him. Simply no discussion and I’d not inform him. I’d book tradesman as I wanted and just get shit done. Buy stuff and the first he’d know was when it was delivered.

he used to be all, why do we need a new coffee table that (old cheap knackerd one we bought when we first moved in ) Is perfectly fine. He’d whinge like a stuck pig. For some odd reason I thought we had to both agree before we did anything, then I realised that was a pile of shite, we didn’t.

now he’s incredibly house proud, loves what I’ve done, thinks the house looks fantastic and seldom utters a word in defiance against my choices. He still won’t suggest anything but it’s a rare day he complains.

the trick is accept he won’t change so get on and get it done yourself, stop asking, stop involved, stop discussing, when you eventually get the house looking great his attitude will change.

On the ikea stuff just start emptying the box and building.

I bought some blinds, and they needed putting up, so I got them out, found the drill, tape measure, screw driver , spirit measure and trotted off in front of him. He listed to me drilling for about ten seconds then bounded upstairs and demanded to do it instead. 😂

And his saving grace is ... ?

Frankly, I'd rather leave and go and live in a caravan instead of putting up with that.

Absolutely do not buy all disposable stuff.
I don't ask for much. I'm not of of those people who are always changing their decor.
Silly stuff like cushions I replace quite often. But big furniture no.
I'm not talking him restoring antique furniture, I'd be happy with that.
It's just like everything I want new or replaced,he has an answer for. Doing it badly on the cheap. If he was building me something amazing I'd be chuffed. But no, it's all botched jobs .
And for example I needed new garden furniture, old stuff broken.

He came home with a table and chairs(bloke at work was dumping)not in a style I particularly like and even worse was for a family of 4 and we are a family of 6! He didn't see the issue. Said we don't often all sit together.
I'm happy to pay people to do work, but he gets arsed and refuses to be involved!!!

Why not draw up a list of all of the jobs needed regularly in the house, split it fairly, but out all the things like buying furniture on your side of the list?

He gets very irritated for example, if I say "oh the bedroom needs plastering".

So don't say it. Don't say a word. Just silently and discreetly organise a proper tradesperson to come and do the repairs and maintenance.

@Thestagshead
Yy to this.
He is like how your DH was.
The thing is I'm not happy paying for everything. But if I say oh we need a new x,yz. He will either say :one we have is fine/I know someone who is giving one away/ I can repair that will some old wood off my dad.
I'm fucking sick of it.

Agree. This is my downfall
Just even getting into a convo with him.

It would be fucking enormous and he wouldn't agree with one thing.
I have never in my life heard him say we need a new bed/sofa/ table.
OK maybe sofa he has(only as he spends all just time on his arse!).

One thing I am point blank refusing to do is start building flat-packed furniture even if it's the easiest job in the world.
I'm busy enough. And he does fuck all from a maintenance point in this house.

Now he's doing a little project in the garden that doesn't really need doing, or rather isn't priority. There's furniture to be built plus another 'job' he started 6 months ago that he has abandoned .

The garage is also full of random crap that people give him or is thrown away at work.
Brings home like an old swivel chair out the office as it was been chucked out. Be great for kids room. Well no. I'd actually like to choose my own that matches thank you.

You say he is a good dad - in which ways? People who are lazy in one area are rarely different in others.

Is it about money? If you are a family unit you should both have equal say in spending and if you want to use some of that money to pay a professional to do a decent job and keep a home in good state then why does he get to veto?

Depending on how old your DC are, you may be able to get them involved in stuff around the house - that can shame some men into activity or help where one partner is genuinely unable to do much.

OP I think reading your posts a lot of it is you being controlling. He's allowed to be him, why would you threaten with paying for someone to put together furniture? And you say he has more time than you and you refuse to lift IKEA furniture, sounds like you think it's his job to assemble things. Sounds like you have a strong idea of each of your roles and it's not open to negotiation. And you're going blue in the face trying to impose that on him.
Look at what you can change, not what he should do.

If you're doing more than your share then that's obviously not fair - but have you actually negotiated who does what, or is it just obvious to you that he should be doing home maintenance? I think the furniture is the wrong hill to choose to die on - you bought it, knowing he didn't think it was necessary, so I don't think you can then assign him to it as a job to do. I'd be quite cross if DH came home with something that I hadn't asked for, didn't think we needed but that he then said I needed to do the work to sort out - wouldn't you?

Same Here! You are not alone! But I am going to do what everyone else says and just get on with it

Well then you seem to be choosing to live with an arsehole. Given your resentment about what he does at home wound it be fair to assume that he’s not exactly providing for you financially either? If not why not leave?

@Hardbackwriter
Fair enough. I hadn't thought about it like that. Next time I will makesure its assembled.

No financially no issues. We both earn similar amounts anyway.

How many years and you're still not used to it? He Is Not Going To Change. Get tradesmen in and don't bother consulting him as you'll just become more irritated. It's worth it to save yourself the stress.

Fair enough. I guess I need to resign myself to living in a shithole unless I assemble stuff myself or pay for jobs to be done. As he won't pay or don't as doesn't think it's necesary.

@newnamethanks
Very true

Barring any health conditions,DIY is a good skill to have yourself maybe.

"One thing I am point blank refusing to do is start building flat-packed furniture even if it's the easiest job in the world."

Sounds like he does maintenance in his own way except that you think he does it on the cheap, not to a good standard ;( bodges) using other people's cast offs, or has unfinished jobs.

But at the same time you complain he sits on his arse all day then expect him to put together an IKEA pack you bought yourself, but refuse to do because you "do enough already."

Is it that he does nothing or are you resentful he doesn't do things the way you want him to?
If so, I can't see how digging your heels in until he magically changes how he does things will help.

He is lazy but he will do stuff if asked prompted. But generally doesn't see or care about mess
Does lots with dc.
Takes them park and sporting activities. Supportive in that sense.
Can cook well but trashes the kitchen.

And I don't mean you do everything, if you do diy jobs, offload some other non diy to him.