To not understand why DH has like no pride in our home? And is a lazy fucker to boot

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Been with DH a long time and a DIY er he isn't. That's fair enough.

However, what isn't fair is the fact that he insists on trying to do any job himself. This involves him either doing it on the cheap, repairing things rather than replacing, with any old crap he finds lying around, or someone gives(dumps on) him.

These jobs he mostly doesn't finish properly or takes an extortionate amount of time to do. Has like an idea and will go all on it, until one day maybe it's raining and he can't do it , or he's too busy and it fizzles out.

I'm sick of it tbh. Our house is mostly a shambles. He doesn't seem bothered. Certain jobs we have no choice to pay tradespeople. Our house is old so it's never straightforward.
He gets very irritated for example, if I say "oh the bedroom needs plastering".
Either will say its fine, or offer to do some bodge up job himself. I will ignore him in these instances and get quotes and pay someone. He's often pretty disinterested or even arsed and doesn't get involved (in an arsey way).

I honestly think he would happily live in the house with no decorating or new things bought for the rest of his life.

We have had conversations about this millions if times and I'm at a loss of what to do.
Even a simple I thing like I will buy a new lamp is never simple, comes with 'nothing wrong with one we got, or my mum/random bloke at work has a spare/giving one away.

One tip is to just buy the things without talking to him. I got into this habit years ago. I'm not discussing a cushion or a lamp with a blithering idiot, so I just buy.

Decorating's harder, especially if he forbids tradespeople, prevents you doing the DIY yourself or demands to be allowed to ruin things his way. I feel this does veer into Dealbreaker territory because there is never any compromise. Bob the Fucking Builder demands the right to smash up his own plaster and wallow in the rubble indefinitely, which cannot be balanced with a normal person's desire for a completed job by a professional.

I've been there. Oh, the fantasies I've had about where I'll shove those tools. But I've also made it very clear I am running out of patience and relationships are severely damaged by one person content to live in Dickensian squalor while boasting "I intend to do all this single handedly with my mere hour of free time on a Sunday afternoon".

It's not just home either. He's not fussed about holidays or nights out. He says he enjoys them when we are there. But would never ask to book a holiday or go anywhere. And if we go away once, that's like him done.
We have the money ( not well off but can afford to do stuff) but he doesn't seem massively interested.
I'm thinking he's just turning into a massive pipe and slippers man.

Yes I agree. Though I did buy a piece of flat packed furniture a while ago without consulting him. It's still in his box.
I wouldn't really attempt to build myself
Maybe future needs to be fully assembled, not IKEA
He seems family and friends houses which are immaculate and doesn't seem embarrassed.

Arghh @Iusedtobecarmen & @NessLockwood that would drive me crazy.. I think all you can do is get tradespeople in when the DH's are out.. I'll have a go at some things myself (widow) but know my limitations!
Book the hols yourself too - and eat out, give yourself a break!

He sees family and friends*

Does he have any positive qualities?
What does he add to your life?
Why are you with him?
You seem incompatible...

Btw, I found a reliable handyman on a local FB group. Worth a try?

Ha ha. You know what. I'm starting to think the same.
Hes a good reliable bloke. Good dad. We are compatible I guess!!
Hes just got some very annoying ways, which are grating on me as the years go on.

Yes to holidays I think.
I have a stressful job and live for holiday's and breaks.
He doesn't seem to get it.
Just doesn't have much oomph!!!!!

Today he's doing a random 'DIY' that I haven't asked him to do. He clearly fancies doing it. Of course it's all with old materials someone has dumped on him.

It's insulting in a way.
In the past ,he's come home with say a coffee table from a mate and said oh Carmen will have that!
Well no, I don't want someone's old crap. I want a new one.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a snob, I will happily buy used second hand stuff. But this is ridiculous.

Lots of people genuinely aren't bothered about their homes. Their environment just doesn't make much difference to them in that respect. DH is one of those people so I understand it can frustrating.

Personally, I just do it myself - during the first lockdown, I painted the living room and kitchen while DH was out at work. I ordered and built our bedside tables from flatpack kits too - DH was happy just using an old cardboard box

He also has no right to "forbid" tradespeople - it's your home just as much as is his. I would say "look, X really needs doing now - if you're not going to do I'll call Fred on Monday and get him to come and sort it". Then he can't complain you didn't warn him and the job still gets done.

There's no way I'd leave furniture sat in boxes for weeks/months on end - just sort it yourself if he won't do it.

Why don’t you build the IKEA stuff yourself? I’d just crack on doing what is needed without him.

he does sound useless but is there a reason why you can’t do the flat pack? It might take you some time but just follow the instructions

i wouldn’t stay with someone like this
He isn’t going to change and I couldn’t face a lift time living with a man child

Come on OP please do the flat pack, I’ve done loads including some large items where I’ve been able to build it on the floor but just need DH to help lift it upright. You will feel proud to do it for yourself

This and just book someone to do it and calmly point out his other disasters

Exactly. Why all this angsty "Oh, tehehe, I'll need to book a man to do it"

<enter drip feed about having no use of arms or legs>

if your dh is not handy, why are you expecting him to put together ikea furniture? You might as well do it yourself, a penis is not required to read and follow instructions. Agree though that he can’t forbid you to get people in or buy a new lamp, just sort it yourself.

Flat packs - and how I lost the fear of them😀

get a light coloured tray/plate with a raised edge (or put a sheet of white paper on) so you can clearly see the bits and bobs you are going to use and nothing will roll off

empty the bag of screws and gubbins onto the tray and sort into separate piles of each type

if there are lots of different types use scraps of paper to label each pile “a” “b” etc as referred to in the instructions

if you have space lay out all the pieces of the furniture

read the instructions and keep referring to the picture of the finished item on the box / instructions or online picture

repeat

have faith, take a deep breath and give it a go

but you know once you’ve mastered it, it will be your job for ever more

If the furniture is something that needs two people to build or you can’t do it yourself, you can usually get a handyman to do it or IKEA offer a service through taskrabbit

TBH, I don't really like the current fashion for disposable home furnishings. Things need to be clean, functional and fit for purpose, but I really don't get the whole Insta "redecorate my house with all new (cheap) furnishings and accessories every 2 years" trend, but equally houses do require ongoing maintenance.

It's hard to tell who's in the right here. If he's revarnishing a scratched tabletop, bringing it back to it's former glory, rather than replacing the table, or tightening up kitchen cupboard hinges or replacing a damaged worktop rather than replacing an otherwise functional kitchen, then I'd tend to think he's in the right that fixing and reusing is better than buying new disposable fashion. However if he's expecting you to live with say an unrepairable shower or a threadbare carpet, then I'd say those are items that are at the end of their life and need to be replaced.

When it comes to IKEA flatpack, seriously, build it yourself. You don't need a penis to follow simple instructions and screw a few screws in!

I guess I could do the flat pack but it's a big heavy box. And he's physically stronger than me. I'm not lugging heavy stuff about. Plus I've recently had a minor operation. And he has more time!!!
Also I probably do a lot more generally around the house, so I think its reasonable for him to do his share.

Some people just aren't caring or really noticing about this stuff.

I think you have to make the assumption that he won't do stuff, and then either learn to do it yourself, or just go out and hire someone.

Yes, I've threatened him with paying for assembly next time

Why would you not assemble IKEA furniture yourself?