Husband only happy if he gets sex

[atmywitsendd]

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

I've been thinking all night about this. Thoughts I've had are :

• I've made it seem worse than it is, he's not that mean

• surely some strangers on the internet won't know the whole story

Another thing I've been thinking about his behaviour. So he does snap at me sometimes. But it's not just that. He also brings it up a lot. Like every time we are together he has to talk about how I'm cold, distant, how I want to sleep with the kids and not with him. How he gets no joy in life. He just works and then comes home to a cold wife. He really does bring it up all the time, just how unsatisfied he is and how I'm pushing him away.

Also to add, the few times we do have sex, he draws it out for ages, which makes it even worse for me. I just want to scream. I haven't wanted to have sex with him for years. Probably since 2011. I just forced myself to do it since then. He used to get grumpy about it right from the start. I've never had another relationship where this didn't happen after a while. So I thought it's just how it is in long term relationships. You go off sex and the man gets grumpy about it. I thought it's something I had to live with. I was able to live with it before kids. Now I can't do it anymore, like I said. I find it really difficult to make myself do it.

So I actively avoid spending time with him. Because either he tries or he gets grumpy / snappy OR he will start complaining about it. I just don't feel like he actually likes me at all. Because I think I'm not fulfilling his expectations of a wife. I also don't cook how he would like etc. but he's stopped complaining much about that. He said he wouldn't care about cooking etc, as long as I gave him enough sex. It's gross isn't i.

The last thing talks like this make me want to do, is to have sex with him.

Another thing I need to add is.. I also had a tough pregnancy and suffered from Hyperemisis. So not much happened in the bedroom during the pregnancy either. Towards the beginning I did some 'duties' but even that made me feel ill, so I told him to please just stop pestering altogether. So it has been a long while since we had a sex life really.

Of course you want to minimise it today because you dont want to take any hard decisions.

You've not wanted sex with him for 11 years. Even before children. So what's your end game? Wait til the kids move out and then start having sex again to keep him happy until you die? Not wanting to sleep with Jones your body's way of saying something is wrong.

I might be wrong but I think deep down you wanted marriage and kids and went through with it with the wrong man

You're telling yourself marriagebisnhard because you dont want to feel like you have failed and have the upheaval of a divorce. Marriage isnt hard. That's something women used to tell themselves to get through the harder parts of living with a man with outdated values of women be there for cleaning, kids and sex.

Hes the father but he doesnt sound like a dad. Its sounds like he has gift wrapped you a baby and then carried on with his life. Apart from sex, what has changed for him? At the very least he could not be a coercive verbal pig seeing as he appears to contribute fuck all else to their care and wellbeing.

Reading your latest updates you went off sex in 2011 so eleven years ago. You have a five month old baby. I can see his point that he feels like a work horse cash machine.

Both your lives are miserable it's very sad. I suggest you think about separating you both deserve it while you're young enough to build new lives. You can both look forward to building different lives.

And FYI, my husband and I didn't have sex for over a year after the baby was born. What did my husband do? He did 50% of the baby care and was exhausted. And most likely wanked in private occasionally.

I still did it though. I didn't want to, but I did it.

But why? What kind of life is that for anyone?

I had a few relationships before him and the going off sex thing always happened. I just thought that's normal and I can just do it anyway, even if I don't really want to.

Leaving aside all his behaviour OP this isnt how long term relationship and marriage should be at all. And it really isnt fair on you, him or your children growing up in this environment.

No one sounds happy, indeed it sounds like it is a miserable existence for everyone - and that will start affecting the children.

Sometimes it doesnt matter who is to blame or who did what. A relationship is over. And yours sounds like no amount of compromise, talking it through is going to make a difference.

I've made it seem worse than it is, he's not that mean

Does this even matter - do you love him, do you even like him?

It's all I ever knew from long term relationships.

There are countless jokes about it in society. The woman having a headache etc etc..

I don’t recall how long you’ve been together but you’ve been incompatible for over a decade and for some reason you both thought bringing two children into an unhappy marriage was a wise idea. That’s done now. It doesn’t compel either of you to stick with it and condemn those children to life in a miserable home with parents who resent each other.

I think perhaps you need to have some counselling as you seem to have a fairly rigid view about sex and how it is something you have to endure rather than enjoy.

No one should endure it at all.

But at the end of the day this isnt fair to anyone. Its miserable and sad and isnt how a marriage should be

Okay but you know from this thread, even if it’s the first time you’ve ever heard it, that most relationships aren’t like this and most people aren’t this unhappy. The divorce rate shows how many people make the decision to leave when the marriage goes wrong, that’s a good thing.

I don't think it's fair to say that. People go off sex sometimes and it doesn't last. there are ups and downs in it. In my case I was able to get on with it until kids

I also think you should separate for both of your sakes. you are not compatible long term so this is where it is going. Dont put yourself through this any more. He knows you dont want it and is using your body to pleasure himself, not nice. Let him join tinder which I expect he is already having a look through.

You aren't happy with him and don't seem to like him or respect him. He isn't happy with you and doesn't seem to like or respect you.

Why are you agonising over whose fault it is and why it's happened and what normal etc. It doesn't really matter does it? Neither of you are happy so you need to split up.

Have you thought about being with him for the rest of your life? How does that appeal to you? What about when he is retired and the kids have left home? Does that sound 'nice' or does it fill you with dread. What about when you are going through the menopause? What about if either of you have to care for one another when you are older? If he is a nasty shit now how do you think he will behave if he becomes ill when he is old.

If you imagine life without him in the house how does it feel feel?

You do realise that some of your tiredness might be stress related? You might feel a lot more energetic if you didn't have him around.

I think you should leave him based on what you've said.

If it's been like this since 2011 then you haven't been very fair to him either. This should have ended years ago. He might have gone on to find someone who wanted to have sex with him, and you might have found someone who didn't want to have much sex. But instead this charade has carried on for 10 years and now there are children involved and everyone is miserable.

Neither of you are happy, you went off sex in 2011 and then you both decided to have children, in a marriage that was struggling to maintain intimacy that was always going to be a disaster.

He is working long hours and you’re looking after two children and you both hate each other.

You need to seperate.

I never said it was like this. I started going off it then, but carried on. I thought that was normal. I don't think it's fair to say we both should not have got married. We went into marriage and having kids with the best intentions. I thought going off sex was a normal thing. It's all I've known in the past. Jokes are everywhere about women finding excuses not to have sex. We used to joke about it. But we still maintained a sex life. Although he sometimes became grumpy, it was never to this extent when I said no. He never used to fly off the handle etc. it was still enough for him. We have also sat down many times calmly and talked about it and the reasons why and what can be done. Nothing has helped.

Now with the kids it's got worse.

Going off sex is not a normal thing. It does happen but it doesn't have to. Plenty of people do have great sex after 20+ years of marriage. So you don't have to accept that this is how it works for the rest of your life.

Why are there so many jokes and adverts about it ? Special sexual counselling for marriages that are struggling from this problem ? It seems to me it's a common situation for women especially to go off sex.

Jokes are everywhere about women finding excuses not to have sex.

Do you know where those jokes came from? They came from the days when women were expected to get married, have children and be housewives. When women were the property of men. Back when it was legal for a man to rape his wife.

Times have moved on since then. Women don't have to have sex they don't want. Women aren't just mothers and wives. Women actually get to have relationships they want to have, and can walk away from the ones they don't want to be in anymore.

So, no, it is not normal. Not all relationships go that way. Letting someone have sex with you is not "maintaining a sex life".

Well anyway, we both knew the score before we got married and went into it with open eyes.

So I don't think I've been unfair to him. We discussed it many times and tried to work on it calmly. We BOTH decided to get married anyway and we BOTH decided to have children together. Because we loved each other and we both thought that no relationship is perfect.

I agree with @BadNomad and others. You've both been dragging this relationship out and got married when you were clearly incompatible, and now you're both very very unhappy and the relationship is toxic. This isn't a criticism, lots of people bimble along hoping that their relationship will suddenly turn a corner and their partner will magically want X or stop doing Y or agree to Z. It's the easy path. Ending relationships is hard. But it's ended very badly for you unfortunately.

It's more difficult given that there are children now, but that is not a reason for you to both continue to be unhappy. You need to end this marriage.

Has it occurred to you that maybe he’s not very good at sex?