Husband only happy if he gets sex

[atmywitsendd]

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

I'm so sorry OP! This is not acceptable.

I've name changed to say this because I don't agree with much of this thread and no I'm not a man!

I'm not blaming the OP but there is no relationship left here for him. His wife doesn't do anything with him, she doesn't even sleep next to him anymore. Men need sex to feel close to their partner and it isn't just about sexual gratification. A wank will not replace the connection he's lost. I honestly don't see the point of being married for him if you do nothing together, don't have sex and don't sleep in the same bed. Yeah he may not have dealt with it perfectly but after months of being ignored and shut out, anyone would be frustrated and bloody miserable.

Leave if you want to but you have to take some responsibility here. I know you'll all pile on me but that's what I think sorry!

If you want to save your marriage OP you're going to have to start trying to have a relationship (not just sex) with your husband again. There's a reason he seems happier after you've had sex and it's because he feels close to you again.

Dh and I fight more when we haven't had sex in a while. It's v v noticeable to me, but then, I'm the one who wants more sex. Our entire relationship was built in sex, nearly 20 years ago, and without it we just snipe at each other.

@ArcticSkewer
I had to laugh. Time to heal. Yes if you had a C section maybe but 5 months is plenty of time to 'recover'. That is not to say that sex SHOULD return earlier or demanded sooner. Women are fit to do many things much earlier than 5 months after giving birth and having 2 children isn't an onerous job (unless you our or their disability is involved) leaving you too tired to take care of yourself or getting adequate rest.

There's a reason he seems happier after you've had sex and it's because he feels close to you again.

Or it could be that he's unduly obsessed with sex and/or has a feeling of sexual entitlement so is less angry with her temporarily because he thinks he 'deserves it.' 💩

@Todayisnottomorrow so the OP not having sex with her husband is to blame for all of the below?! Have you actually read what she’s written? This man’s attitude towards his wife is vile, of course she doesn’t want to have sex with him and why the hell should she!? You need to raise your standards if you think this man deserves any intimacy at all. This is what the OP wrote:

*He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.*

having 2 children isn't an onerous job (unless you our or their disability is involved) leaving you too tired to take care of yourself or getting adequate rest.

From all I've heard, most people would find a five month old pretty knackering, especially if they already have a young child.

Jesus Christ she has a five month old. Christ I have a ten months old and we haven't had sex since we conceived him! No joke.

Funnily enough my husband isn't a twat and doesn't pester me for sex or treat me like shit.. because that's not what people who love each other do.

and having 2 children isn't an onerous job

Yes it fucking is. It's hell, relentless hard work. What planet are you on?

Some understanding (on MUMSNET ) of new mothers with babies would be good !
I can’t believe some of these responses.
maybe if he took some of the responsibility of being husband and a father, and behaved like a decent human being .. they would have a close relationship.

It's a really tough spot. Because how long can you deny your partner sex?

I think this statement that you made OP is very telling. It makes it sound as though sex is something you do FOR him rather than WITH him.

There is no mutuality here. As I said upthread - you are not his sexual property.

I know how hard this is as I went through it with my OH - but it was due to his degenerative neurological disease. The normal niceties of our relationship went out of the window and in his mind I was just there to satisfy his needs. It was very sad to see him like this; and very very hard to deal with. I felt as though I was under siege. He has died now and my grieving is very complicated, as there is a huge sense of relief as well as sadness.

This is so hard for you; but it would help if you could think differently about who you are - you are not just there to satisfy his needs, sexual and otherwise. You have value in your own right. You are important. You need your partner to respect you - and you deserve this. Your sexual relationship should be about caring for each other and respecting each other - without this it is pointless.

I am so sorry you are going through all this - as well as trying to be a good Mum at the same time.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy Yes, the twatty behavior is a huge red flag in the OP's relationship. I have to be honest, though, 19 months is a heck of a long time not to have sex! I'm guessing that you had a tough pregnancy and birth.

Well op this is the same setup as me. I cosleep with the children and my husband sleeps in the spare room. My husband does miss being in bed with me but he knows I love sleeping next to my baby and our other son usually comes to find me on the night and snuggle in. I enjoy it because I don't need to listen to him snore 😂
We haven't had sex in ages and I don't even think about sex tbh. I know my husband would like it now and then but he has not once, ever pushed for it. I'm sure he'll be having wanks but even then I know nothing about it.
My husband is treating me the way your husband should great you, but yours isn't.
I'm sorry to say after what you've written I would 100% divorce him.
You can't live this life for fear of not trying. You are worth more than this.

It is but I am just absolutely knackered. I really don't have any energy for it and since I cosleep with the baby there really is no opportunity to have sex. DH works, I have baby and our other son goes to nursery, when DH gets home I'm making dinner, baby needs fed or entertained, toddler needs dinner and bath and playing with.
Weekends is just parenting the whole time.

I remember P!nk saying there willy e some years you don't have sex with your husband..and it's true!

But we are happy, we have lots of fun and laughs, cuddles and just are happy to be together. Just no sex for now. It'll come back.

@Todayisnottomorrow

Why are you making out like it's the OP
is primarily at fault? Do you normally minimise the ability of men to act reasonably and expect women to be the ones who do all the relationship work?

They sulk sometimes which I understood, I was just too tired when the children were small at times. Mornings were better or weekend. Your OH though being nasty is not on

"I think the main thing I feel is that things seem to be my fault always, according to him and also I always doubt whether it's just all in my head and not that bad. I used to be told I don't take criticism that well, although I actually think I take it too well. In the sense that I often think things are my fault. Anyway, I'm frazzled to be honest. I don't know if it's me and my personality and my inability to accept criticism / get offended easily or if he is actually an abuser."

He's got you thinking it's your fault. Typical gaslighting technique. Pressuring you to have sex when you don't want to is rape. He is abusing you. He sounds like a narcissist. If you had broken your leg, and he tried for force you to run, surely you would see that as abusive? I cannot see what the plus side of this relationship is for you. You are not there to provide "sex on demand" for this man, who appears to be jealous of the attention you understandably and naturally give to your children. Whatever you want out of life, I doubt it's what you have now.

You say "What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy." He's really manipulated you. You should not have to live with someone you feel hates you. He's unhappy? You sound utterly miserable. LTB.

Definition from the Rape Crisis website:
"Rape is often described as unwanted or forced 'sex'. But, sex can only happen when everyone consents. If there is no consent then it's not sex, it's rape. No matter the circumstances."

They would wait until YOU are ready. Not push. Not be in a sulk. Not hassle. They would wait years if that’s what it took. Meanwhile, they would be loving and caring, making sure the other person felt secure, loved and worthy. They would show affection in a non boundary pushing way. They would treat you as if you are the most precious person they know and always with kindness. They would regularly ask and check how the other person is feeling ie. Workload / stress and be there to listen and comfort.
Ive been in a relationship / marriage for 26 years with a person like this and yes some years have been totally sexless (my wishes not his) because of young children / breast feeding / being totally exhausted.
Love and a marriage is more than sex. Imagine if you (or anyone reading this) had god forbid an awful accident or illness tomorrow meaning that sex was totally off the cards for a very long time. What would your husband do. Leave? Really? Would they care / love you that little that that’s all you are to them. Someone to have sex with and if that goes, sorry it’s bye bye.
All sorts of things happen during the course of a persons life and yes, sometimes that might stop the desire of sex for either person. That does not mean it’s at all ok for the other to blackmail or coerce the other. Genuinely Loving relationships don’t do this.

When I say a person like this I mean the loving caring kind I described, not a coercive person.

Did he even want kids?
It sounds like he would like to wind back the clock to pre-kids time.
OP please think about whether this prick is ever going to be even a barely adequate Dad to them. If the answer is probably not, start making your plans to split, sooner is better than later.
So sorry you are going through this.

Fuck this prick off. You have a much better life ahead without him dragging you down

Hi @atmywitsendd
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sat here crying my eyes out because reading your words is like you wrote my own thoughts and feelings from before. He used to gaslight me into thinking i had a "duty" to perform (he actually used that term). If i fell asleep when he expected sex, he would be so moody the following morning that even the kids would ask me whats wrong with him.
The only way to get him out of his mood would be to give in and initiate something. I did this for too long and allowed him to manipulate me, my thoughts, my feelings.
You said this isn't a new thing so it's not having kids that has caused this, HE causes this not you.

The only advice i can give you is to have a hard conversation and set your boundaries clearly with him and mean what you say. It will be difficult, but believe me it will be harder when you've lived this way for 20 years.
I realised mine is a narcissist, and once my rose tinted glasses were gone, i could see his behaviour for what it was. I stopped enabling and excusing. The relief i felt when he left was unimaginable, i can go about life without worrying about those eggshells, and those eggshells were everywhere, not just the subject of sex.
Good luck

I think that after giving birth it’s pretty common for women to go off sex for a year or more, due to hormones and just good old fashioned exhaustion. I also think that most women would be put off sex for a lifetime if they had a husband like yours. The fact that he has sex with you when he knows you’re not willing is gross and disgusting and makes him no better than a rapist. Ugh 🤮.

@Cameleongirl I'm sorry I don't know how to quote.

Perhaps some relationships would fail. I'm grateful that my partners need for sex was less than his want not to traumatise me further or reinforce the belief that my body is not my own.

I don't think it's fair to say that the psychological consequences of repeatedly having sex you don't want isn't an illness of some kind.

I had treatment, he knew I was having treatment, we worked together, now we have a relationship that meets even more of our needs than before. I could have refused help, but I didn't and 5 years was how long it took (we did start sexual contact before that but not sex).

You can't cure the damage from having sex you don't want by having more sex that you don't want. The right person will understand that and be with you, if they won't then they are not the right person.

Delighted to read you are going to call Womens aid.

If you were my precious daughter I would want you on the next flight out to me, to visit and rest up.

To take some time in peace to get your head straight.

Book the tickets and don't tell him.

Leave when he is at work.

Take any personal paperwork, take pictures of any financials.

Getting away from him and giving yourself the space you need will help you see how truly dreadful he is.

Go to your family asap.