Reported for child neglect

[nomorefruitjuiceforme]

What would you do? How would you feel?

Husband reported me for neglecting our children. He doesn't agree with my parenting, he is a lot stricter than I am. He would have super strict routines when it suits him, everything always needs to be how he likes it.

Backstory: our two children are both autistic. Have major (sensory?/demand?) issues with bathing and most forms of self care. Major meltdowns when forced to do things. Major struggles to do what is needed. Also impossible to actually make them to do these things and if I could force them, it would be abuse the way I'd have to go about it.
So... they aren't washed as much as I'd ideally like. They are both healthy, never ill. Don't look dirty, except for dirty fingernails every now and then.

Explained the situation to social services and they were happy I am doing all I can and I am looking after them well.

Husband understandably not happy with outcome, but must realise there isn't anything he can do as he hasn't changed anything he does. He never helps out and he is always really negative about everything I do and what the children do and what they look like.
Him being strict with the children doesn't get him anywhere as they aren't deliberately not listening to him, they can't cope with what he is asking of them.

I am not entirely sure what he hoped reporting me would do. I guess he hoped it would scare me into behaving like a 'proper' wife? That I would suddenly be able to create perfect children?
My children are perfect the way they are btw, they just have struggles that fit their disabilities (being autistic is classed a disability). They do need help with that and that is what I spend most of my days doing.

Husband has always blamed me for not being strict enough and according to him that is why they are they way they are. Children have a demand avoidant (PDA) profile, so putting more pressure on them is only counterproductive. Yet that is always what he does.

He keeps telling me I need to have strict routines, doesn't believe that that isn't the right thing for all autistic people. Husband himself is autistic and says he thrives on routines. Which he doesn't, as he doesn't actually have a lot of routine in his life. But because he does as he pleases most of the time, it is all on his terms, so he can cope with the way things are for him.

I feel our marriage can never really come back from this lack of trust. How can you love a woman who you think is totally rubbish at what she has dedicated her life to? I am a stay at home mum, which was a mutual decision.

He is now acting like all is well and trying to be affectionate again, but it all feels fake.

AIBU in thinking we can't overcome this?

So let me ge tthis right he told you he was reporting you-did it told them he was reporting his wife that he still lives with for neglect and then just carried on like normal

and what did he say afterwards when the didnt come round or take the kids away

but you aren't a SW, so you don't know what they are required to do and how little time they have to do it. And how frequently abusive men accuse their (often ex) partners of child neglect.

No I’m not but I know many women who are/have been victims of domestic abuse and they ALWAYS play it down.

If someone took the time to ring SS saying they are genuinely concerned then the least SS could do is not take the word of the suspected abuser.

This isn’t an ex with issues (although I’d still want the concerns dealt with) it’s someone who is in a relationship with the person they have reported and neither of them immediately ended the relationship over it.

If my partner reported me then I would end the relationship immediately.
The fact that OP didn’t is very odd.

I really thought the OP was speaking of an ex husband. My now ex-husband frequently accused me of neglect and / or abuse. Our DC had lots of medical issues when little, and I managed her the way the specialists said was best - it was grueling and difficult to sustain but it was best for her. Like your husband OP, my ex was very vocal at complaining at ''my approach'', but didn't want to take any responsibility himself bar on rare occasions. One of which led to him overdosing DC on her meds.. Everything I did was wrong, even my breast milk was ''of poor quality'' and ''making her ill''... I mean who on god's earth says that shit to a new mother struggling to feed a premature child with no suck reflex let alone their husband??

He started to report me when we separated, leading to my being investigated by SS numerous times. He was eventually told to stop and to be grateful for what I did. DC continued to suffer in his care as he simply couldn't or wouldn't do what she needed. He tried to make the courts remove DC from my care and put in place supervised contact on the basis I was abusive and neglectful, all the while demonstrably putting his own needs ahead of DC. He was repeatedly asked why he took no action, and was so frequently absent, while we were married if he had such serious concerns? Oddly, he was unable to answer that question.

While he didn't report me during our marriage, his constant criticism of my parenting left me with nothing but contempt for him and personally couldn't come back from it. My ''attitude'' & refusal to align with ''his way'' was apparently a large part of why he left me for the woman he had been having a long term affair with. Good riddance.

Your marriage is already over OP, leave when it is safe for you to do so.

@Noteverybodylives And while an extremely underfunded social services are thoroughly investigating a report of children not bathing enough how many children will die?

Social workers do not get involved unless there is physical, sexual or emotional abuse or EXTREME neglect. That means not washing from one week to the next, being left alone for prolonged periods, not being fed every day, severe drug and alcohol abuse, no clean clothes, extremely unsanitary conditions (not simple mess or an unclean toilet) faeces on the floor, dead rats left on the floor, that sort of thing. If you are looking after the child's day to day needs, they do not get involved.

Is this how social services should work in a first world country? No, but if you want that to change complain to your MP, not here. Although in this instance I still think you're wrong, even an OVER funded social services should waste their time dealing with this nonsense.

It's a known tactic of abusers, to either threaten to or to actually report their children's mothers to ss. Mentioned in Pat Craven's "Living with the Dominator" upon which the Freedom Programme is based.

And while an extremely underfunded social services are thoroughly investigating a report of children not bathing enough how many children will die?

But not bathing your DC enough is often one part of a much larger puzzle.

If he had rang them and they decided his concerns weren’t good enough then maybe fair enough.

But to speak to the suspected abuser and take their word over the reporter, is just plain wrong.

I would sincerely hope that if a women ever rings women aid or the police over her DH’s abuse, that they don’t ring him to find out his side and then take his word over hers.

I know SS is stretched but the very least they could do is to say they’ll be looking into it (even if they never do) or log it and ask him to report if there are any other issues - not take the word of the person who is denying everything.

This is obviously what has happened when we hear about children getting killed and family members come forward saying they’ve reported to SS but they never got investigated properly.

Did he "report' you, or did he telephone asking for general support for the family? If he is Autistic himself I can understand him being matter of fact about thinking SS might be helpful and generally believing that your children need what has helped him to cope. You need to be clear about his motivation before you decide what to do.

@Noteverybodylives They will keep a record of it, they have to. If another person reports concerns they will contact her again and possibly look into it further.

From what I can see he didn't say anything particularly concerning, they did have to contact her though. If you are reported they have to contact you to tell you what the allegations were, whether they are of concern or not. That phone call was the investigation you want them to do. They would have added the two sets of information and then decided if the children and/or family were at risk or in need.

Your husband has serious issues around control. Understandably in a way, as he is autistic, but it must be a nightmare having him on the one hand trying to force you to force the children to live according to expectations, and the children on the other hand resisting demands.

The situation sounds really toxic actually and your husband’s attitude could really be exacerbating the PDA.

Your husband really needs to educate himself on PDA (and knowledge is power… he might feel so much better if he understands what he’s dealing with) although you need to watch out here too, because going too far the other way and doing away with all expectations can create an unworkable situation that escalates out of control - it really is such a nuanced balancing act that can be particularly difficult for parents on the spectrum themselves to understand and manage.

I have to be honest, in your shoes I’d be reconsidering the living arrangements, OP.

Thank you to all that have been supportive.

To those that seem to doubt what I have said I had a long talk on the phone with SS and they were happy. A lot more was discussed than just their cleanliness.

And to the few that can't understand I haven't left yet, unfortunately not everyone is in a position to leave straight away.

I could understand asking for support, however awkward that would have been, but he definitely reported me. There is a big difference between 'my wife is neglecting our children' and 'we are really struggling at home, is there any way we could get help please?'

If that really was the case I may have been able to forgive him, as he thought he was doing the right thing and he thought he was helping. But after being told I am doing fine, he still believes he did the right thing and I am in the wrong.

I will leave it at this for now, thank you also for the different opinions, as it all helps me to shape mine. xx

@Noteverybodylives your last point is absolutely correct: the fact that ss don't have sufficient time or resources to investigate all cases thoroughly is one of the biggest reasons why children on their radar end up dead, yes.

Hope you don't mind, I have PMd you.

So noones actually diagnosed then?

What is it exactly that he thinks is neglect? You aren't saying anything, but still saying just enough for people to say your husband is controlling and abusive. Some might think you using his autism to dismiss his concerns is gaslighting him.

And to the people saying "why would he stay with you if he thought you were a bad mum"...well would you really walk away if you thought your children would be unsafe?

Idk if you are going to come back. I just wondered what you mean by in the wrong. Do you mean he still thinks you are not parenting the children correctly? If this is the case, that is very concerning not just for you but also the children.

Or do you mean he thinks he’s right for reporting and by definition you are therefore wrong for not being ok with the decision? If it is the latter, I can see, due to his thinking patterns, why he would still consider this to have been the only course of action he could take. Please don’t think I’m trying excuse what he did or the pain this has caused you.

The OP hasn't said he has PDA. It was suggested by a PP.

100% this!⬆️ Kick him out. He's an utter prick.

Anyone who's saying the story re: social services doesn't ring true has clearly never worked alongside them. I've reported muc more serious things than not bathing children frequently enough and had next to nothing done about it. Unless the report is of serious abuse, very little will be done. For neglect, it would have to be starving the child, living in a very unsafe environment leading to lots of A&E attendances, leaving small children at home alone for long periods of time etc. Sadly a lot of children present as unwashed/unkempt and social services would need to have triple the budget to start looking into these families.

Yes you're still with him and still raising your already vulnerable children in that environment. Wtaf

This is obviously what has happened when we hear about children getting killed and family members come forward saying they’ve reported to SS but they never got investigated properly.

Family members reporting is very different to a parent who ACTUALLY LIVES IN THE HOME reporting.

As a duty worker my response to this father would be “You have PR, you are responsible for your children, so what are YOU doing?”

Domestic abuse would be my primary concern.

Exactly my point

but wilfully ignored by posters rattling off about how their EX reported them.

i would be concerned about domestic abuse AND the environment these children would be in