Reported for child neglect

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What would you do? How would you feel?

Husband reported me for neglecting our children. He doesn't agree with my parenting, he is a lot stricter than I am. He would have super strict routines when it suits him, everything always needs to be how he likes it.

Backstory: our two children are both autistic. Have major (sensory?/demand?) issues with bathing and most forms of self care. Major meltdowns when forced to do things. Major struggles to do what is needed. Also impossible to actually make them to do these things and if I could force them, it would be abuse the way I'd have to go about it.
So... they aren't washed as much as I'd ideally like. They are both healthy, never ill. Don't look dirty, except for dirty fingernails every now and then.

Explained the situation to social services and they were happy I am doing all I can and I am looking after them well.

Husband understandably not happy with outcome, but must realise there isn't anything he can do as he hasn't changed anything he does. He never helps out and he is always really negative about everything I do and what the children do and what they look like.
Him being strict with the children doesn't get him anywhere as they aren't deliberately not listening to him, they can't cope with what he is asking of them.

I am not entirely sure what he hoped reporting me would do. I guess he hoped it would scare me into behaving like a 'proper' wife? That I would suddenly be able to create perfect children?
My children are perfect the way they are btw, they just have struggles that fit their disabilities (being autistic is classed a disability). They do need help with that and that is what I spend most of my days doing.

Husband has always blamed me for not being strict enough and according to him that is why they are they way they are. Children have a demand avoidant (PDA) profile, so putting more pressure on them is only counterproductive. Yet that is always what he does.

He keeps telling me I need to have strict routines, doesn't believe that that isn't the right thing for all autistic people. Husband himself is autistic and says he thrives on routines. Which he doesn't, as he doesn't actually have a lot of routine in his life. But because he does as he pleases most of the time, it is all on his terms, so he can cope with the way things are for him.

I feel our marriage can never really come back from this lack of trust. How can you love a woman who you think is totally rubbish at what she has dedicated her life to? I am a stay at home mum, which was a mutual decision.

He is now acting like all is well and trying to be affectionate again, but it all feels fake.

AIBU in thinking we can't overcome this?

I don't know how you could forgive him. This would signal the end of the relationship. Why can he not be supportive with you? Sorry that your husband seems to be so unhelpful and unkind.

Like I said, I don't want to put too many identifying details on here, but they asked if we were safe and they must have felt happy with my responses.

They gave me advice and phone numbers for if and when I wanted to speak to other services or want to leave the marriage. They were very helpful, but their job was to assure safety for the children, which they did.

Your husband reported you for neglect and SS haven't even asked to see the children?

I'm guessing they arnt done yet they will talk to schools

Or they have passed it off as a DICK move by the husband

Ultimately if the school tells them they are clean tidy and happy at school they will drop it they don't have resources to pursue

I guess because I could tell them exactly what his issues were and didn't disagree those things were issues, they must have felt I wasn't hiding anything and I could give reasonable reasons for those 'neglectful' things.
Who knows, they might have checked with school as well. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does he realise that this is his responsibility too? If you were prosecuted for neglect he would have been too! Does he have no self awareness!? He sounds quite similar to my father, you wouldn't listen so he got someone to tell you as he thinks everyone else will agree with him, he can't comprehend them not. His thought processes are the only logical thought processes. Think I just answered my own question there!

Leave him and restrict his access to the children, he will carry on this neglect, abuse and control. He will probably never realise or at least admit he has done anything wrong, it will always be someone else's fault, probably yours, then theirs.

SS will ask your permission before contacting the school and the first report rarely results in an in person visit. I'm sorry to say I've been reported many times! I've never had an in person visit, I usually just get told I'm doing a good job and to call them if I need them!

Yes because SS just take the word over the phone of the accused. Sure they do

I would leave him. He reported you to SS for neglect. There isn't any coming back from that. He wants you to parent his way regardless of whether that's best for the children. You don't, because his way is ineffective, so he called out to big guns. Honestly, it unforgivable.

Are the SS not the slightest bit perturbed, as most posters are, that your husband ie not ex!!! So someone sharing a home with you, is the one that reported you?

that alone would make me want to pay the home a visit

How fucking DARE he?
Take any help/ advice and leave

According to the poster just before you, apparently they do.

Get him out of there as fast as you can.

If he genuinely believed you were neglecting the kids then surely he is just as guilty of child abuse for not protecting them and leaving them in your care

Please divorce him

The family home of your children must be the tensest, nastiest atmosphere. Their home. I can’t get my head around how shit it must be for them

This is bizarre.
You weren't washing his DC so instead of washing them himself he rang social services?
It would be funny if it wasn't so unbelievably serious. It could have had such massive repercussions.
I can only imagine how unreasonable he is in a disagreement or just day to day life. It wouldn't be for me.

He sounds neglectful. He is doing nothing.
i wouldnt even attempt to come back from this.

@Doingprettywellthanks Yes, because social services have the time, resources and staff to send a qualified social worker to do an in person investigation of every allegation.

OP I'm so glad they were supportive over the phone. They will have at the very least contacted schools and asked to be notified of any concerns.

They may have other info about him which you are not party to.

To the posters frothing about this outcome, children's services do not have time to investigate fathers who may possibly be abusive, if there are no reports of obvious harm to the children.

That's how it is at present. And then there's Liz Truss's "promised" spending cuts to come....

I don't have an autistic child, but I worked for a family who have an autistic son. It is obvious that dad is also autistic but undiagnosed and in denial. His expression of it is v different to his son's and I could imagine him doing this kind of thing to mum. He undermines everyone, but esp his son who is verbal and academically a bit below average (the rest of the family are v high achieving academically). Son certainly has issues, but matured as a person while I knew them and was able to cope with his autism quite effectively, for the most part.
But I feel that dad could never move on from his negative view of his son, likely projecting onto him etc.
I don't know if this helps at all, but your situation really brought that back.

An ex with a beef reporting? Agreed

a husband, who lives with the op and the children reporting? Indicates a serious shit show behind closed doors

I don't think I could ever forgive that.

He doesn't sound like a great father or husband, from what you've said, OP.

If you think the children would be happier away from him then I wouldn't think twice about leaving, if it's possible.

It sounds like you're already parenting alone anyway.

Well they did in my case when my ex was making malicious claims to them and reporting me.
A 5 min conversation to explain the type of person he was and they were satisfied the children were at no harm
They are used to stupid reports from stupid people.

WTAF. I'm aghast that he did this.

There should be absolutely no doubt that this marriage is now well and truly over.

How can you stay married to someone who would report you to SS for child neglect?