Reported for child neglect

[nomorefruitjuiceforme]

What would you do? How would you feel?

Husband reported me for neglecting our children. He doesn't agree with my parenting, he is a lot stricter than I am. He would have super strict routines when it suits him, everything always needs to be how he likes it.

Backstory: our two children are both autistic. Have major (sensory?/demand?) issues with bathing and most forms of self care. Major meltdowns when forced to do things. Major struggles to do what is needed. Also impossible to actually make them to do these things and if I could force them, it would be abuse the way I'd have to go about it.
So... they aren't washed as much as I'd ideally like. They are both healthy, never ill. Don't look dirty, except for dirty fingernails every now and then.

Explained the situation to social services and they were happy I am doing all I can and I am looking after them well.

Husband understandably not happy with outcome, but must realise there isn't anything he can do as he hasn't changed anything he does. He never helps out and he is always really negative about everything I do and what the children do and what they look like.
Him being strict with the children doesn't get him anywhere as they aren't deliberately not listening to him, they can't cope with what he is asking of them.

I am not entirely sure what he hoped reporting me would do. I guess he hoped it would scare me into behaving like a 'proper' wife? That I would suddenly be able to create perfect children?
My children are perfect the way they are btw, they just have struggles that fit their disabilities (being autistic is classed a disability). They do need help with that and that is what I spend most of my days doing.

Husband has always blamed me for not being strict enough and according to him that is why they are they way they are. Children have a demand avoidant (PDA) profile, so putting more pressure on them is only counterproductive. Yet that is always what he does.

He keeps telling me I need to have strict routines, doesn't believe that that isn't the right thing for all autistic people. Husband himself is autistic and says he thrives on routines. Which he doesn't, as he doesn't actually have a lot of routine in his life. But because he does as he pleases most of the time, it is all on his terms, so he can cope with the way things are for him.

I feel our marriage can never really come back from this lack of trust. How can you love a woman who you think is totally rubbish at what she has dedicated her life to? I am a stay at home mum, which was a mutual decision.

He is now acting like all is well and trying to be affectionate again, but it all feels fake.

AIBU in thinking we can't overcome this?

The key word….. EX!!!!

JFC, I think I’d take myself off for the weekend so he can parent them as he sees fits.

then I’d divorce him and make sure he has joint residency so again he can ensure they aren’t neglected,

what an absolute cunt.

I have a friend that was emotionally abused by her autistic XDH - very similar behaviour that you have described.

He married went for full custody of the DC so his new wife could do it all 🙄 as he hides away working 12 hours a day, screams and shouts at the DC etc. He is now abusive to the latest wife and the DC want to live with their Mum.

Being abusive and autistic are not mutually exclusive.

Correct me if I am wrong. I am wondering if your husband has PDA himself. It sort of fits. It sounds as if he been obsessing anxiously over how you manage day to day life with your children. I am wondering if he felt out of control and as a result because increasingly controlling and domineering. This didn’t work and only served to increase his anxiety and as he couldn’t see an alternative, he upped the anti. Still convinced, he reported you to SS to abate his anxiety. Social services didn’t agree with him. Now that a person in a position of responsibility has confirmed there is no neglect, he can relax and stop obsessing that you are neglecting your children as he now knows you aren’t. He can therefore relax and be the affectionate husband again.

Please don’t think I am in any way excusing him. This is a massive breach of trust and marriage ending. What I am saying though is that perhaps SS telling you you’re doing a good job will help with his parenting and he may lay off your kids and listen to you more. I understand that you no longer wish to be with him and I would feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m way off the mark here btw. I just find it really strange he wants to be affectionate again.

You need to divorce this sorry excuse for a man.

@Doingprettywellthanks Or a naïve autistic father who doesn't fully get how social services works and that they do not get involved in family parenting arguments about perceived neglect. Although parenting classes might help him, as they have spoken to a clearly loving and more than competent parent they do not need to investigate further. They don't have the resources to get involved in every family shit show either!

Wow what an awful man. You would be happier on your own with your children. If my partner reported me to social services for neglect, i would divorce him.

I once had a 'malicious' referral made about me, they rang for a chat and closed the case without needing to see the child in question. Sooo, yeah that does happen.

Well happened to me this year but we separated living together. He will do everything to complicate my life. I have problem with my teenagers swearing at me an being completely disrespectful but at school they doing very well. No other problems with kids. He used sytuation when I completely lost my patience and was over tired doing renovation for months on my own. I'm stuck but slowly planning how to escape.SS put us on child in need. We have two different parenting styles I'm strict he is a Disney dad. I see this personally as a parental alienation against me.

Divorce your husband! I'm guessing the mood at home will noticeably improve for you and your children. It's great that social services offered support for when you leave, make the most of that.

What the actual fuck?

If l took a duty call like this I have no idea what I’d say to the man. I would be likely to come out to see you but it would be to ask about domestic abuse.

If he wanted his children to have more baths, he could give them more baths.

you obviously don’t have to walk out the door today or even tomorrow, but I can’t see how a marriage recovers from something like this.

How often are the children actually washed? How is their dental hygiene?

Really really not the issue, especially as ss have said they're not interested.

I genuinely cannot get my head around how your husband, who you live with, and has mutual responsibility of your DC, would go behind your back and report you to social services. That is absolutely shocking behaviour. I’d be out of there sharpish

There's no coming back from this. His attitude to your children is harming them and will affect how they cope with life as autistic. Get out now before he does any more damage.

Sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. What husband who loves and respects his wife would do this?

This is a absolute leave the bastard / kick him out !
How dare he do that to you OP , please leave him, at least please
Look into ways of leaving him and make some
Plans , I know it isn't always possible to just up and go but he has destroyed everything ... he is behind disgraceful

Sigh.

When he called SS, they would have asked him in what way the children were neglected. If he said “They don’t get bathed every day and my wife doesn’t discipline them” and SS said “Ok, so are they being fed? Is the house clean and safe? Are they going to school? Is there any violence?” and he replied that all those things were not an issue, SS would already be pretty much aware that they didn’t need to see the children because nothing the husband had disclosed was even remotely neglectful or abusive.

Therefore all they did was put in a call to the OP as a formality.

SS get calls about total bollocks all the time. If someone phones and gave “My neighbour leaves her 10-year-old home alone for half an hour sometimes when she goes to Tesco” as their sole example of ‘neglect’ then SS would absolutely not visit that household either, because the reported behaviour wouldn’t amount to neglect.

2bazookas · Today 13:06
Why don't you go away for a few days well deserved rest and recuperation and leave him to look after his children solo. Since he's such an expert parent.“

please don’t do this.
do you have any family support?

Yes, they do, just to be another one who reassures.

I have a child with ASD, and a horrible ExH, we were reported a couple of times, both times SS phoned, and i explained the situation, how i was caring for DS, how i handled ExH, and they left it at that.

I’m not one to bash SS but this is absolutely awful.

None of us know if these children are being neglected and DH could have serious concerns.

He knows that involving SS could have serious implications for himself, not just OP.
And I doubt this was a decision taken lightly.

If I was a SW and someone phoned me saying their DH was neglecting the DCs, I would think they either have genuine concerns for the DC or it’s a cry for help.

It’s shocking that the potential abuser can say they’re absolutely fine over the phone and SS say it’s ok.
No wonder that whenever a story of child abuse becomes public you find out the SS were aware but didn’t investigate.

@Noteverybodylives but the complaint itself is likely to have been nonsensical:

SS: what are your concerns?
DH: they don't go in the bath every day
SS: Any other concerns?
DH: she's really soft with them
SS: (goes through the rest of their list) So just to summarise, you want to report that your wife doesn't bath the kids every day and is a bit too soft with them for your liking? Oh-kaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.

If (as I suspect) DH has made this report out of rigid thinking/PDA control he won't have lied or exaggerated. If you had made the same report as a stranger I suspect it would have been dismissed out of hand as malicious and not even followed up by phone. Neither of those issues meet a criteria for investigation. It's just a different parenting approach

They do when the reporter is literally accusing themselves, which the husband was doing, even if he was too stupid to realise it.

@Noteverybodylives but you aren't a SW, so you don't know what they are required to do and how little time they have to do it. And how frequently abusive men accuse their (often ex) partners of child neglect.