Reported for child neglect

[nomorefruitjuiceforme]

What would you do? How would you feel?

Husband reported me for neglecting our children. He doesn't agree with my parenting, he is a lot stricter than I am. He would have super strict routines when it suits him, everything always needs to be how he likes it.

Backstory: our two children are both autistic. Have major (sensory?/demand?) issues with bathing and most forms of self care. Major meltdowns when forced to do things. Major struggles to do what is needed. Also impossible to actually make them to do these things and if I could force them, it would be abuse the way I'd have to go about it.
So... they aren't washed as much as I'd ideally like. They are both healthy, never ill. Don't look dirty, except for dirty fingernails every now and then.

Explained the situation to social services and they were happy I am doing all I can and I am looking after them well.

Husband understandably not happy with outcome, but must realise there isn't anything he can do as he hasn't changed anything he does. He never helps out and he is always really negative about everything I do and what the children do and what they look like.
Him being strict with the children doesn't get him anywhere as they aren't deliberately not listening to him, they can't cope with what he is asking of them.

I am not entirely sure what he hoped reporting me would do. I guess he hoped it would scare me into behaving like a 'proper' wife? That I would suddenly be able to create perfect children?
My children are perfect the way they are btw, they just have struggles that fit their disabilities (being autistic is classed a disability). They do need help with that and that is what I spend most of my days doing.

Husband has always blamed me for not being strict enough and according to him that is why they are they way they are. Children have a demand avoidant (PDA) profile, so putting more pressure on them is only counterproductive. Yet that is always what he does.

He keeps telling me I need to have strict routines, doesn't believe that that isn't the right thing for all autistic people. Husband himself is autistic and says he thrives on routines. Which he doesn't, as he doesn't actually have a lot of routine in his life. But because he does as he pleases most of the time, it is all on his terms, so he can cope with the way things are for him.

I feel our marriage can never really come back from this lack of trust. How can you love a woman who you think is totally rubbish at what she has dedicated her life to? I am a stay at home mum, which was a mutual decision.

He is now acting like all is well and trying to be affectionate again, but it all feels fake.

AIBU in thinking we can't overcome this?

I dont think I could get past that. If there was any chance at all, it would be based around what his intent was. If it was to get you help or because he is autistic and very black and white (not showering every day = neglect and neglect = reporting to SS) then I could maybe understand it but I'm still not sure I could live like that.

Has he actually tried anything to help the situation himself, with any results? as presumably he lives at home with you, is he around in the evenings and weekends? If so surely it's as much his responsibility to get them bathed as yours, and he has just in effect reported himself as well.

If it's a case that he just constantly criticises everything you do, and doesnt do anything with the kids because he sees that as 100% your job even when he I'd around, then I'd leave him anyway, report or no report

I understand this clearly but it is what it is. The husband needs to find a way to cope with this situation better. It's not the wife's burden. Her burden is being reported to SS which could've led to her losing access to her own kids. And she needs to protect herself.

He can absolutely be both. Being autistic (or ill, disabled etc) doesn't preclude anyone from being an abusive dick.

OP, I am a parent of an autistic child, likely autistic myself and my ex was also probably autistic too. My ex was abusive and often told me I wasn't parenting right, that I was neglectful and abusive. He threatened to report me too. But he was also a massive coward, so never did when I would respond "Go on then".

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for me and my son. After a few years he fucked off completely. We've not heard from him in over 5 years. Have you got family to support you? You need to start taking advice and saving some money if you can. But you don't have to take this. You are doing a great job and don't deserve to be constantly undermined by your husband. I sincerely hope he isn't abusing you in other ways, but if he's anything like my ex over time you'll begin to see all the various ways he abuses you and keeps you downtrodden.

Good luck OP 🌻

My god, OP. I'm so very, very sorry.

Your actual husband who actually lives with you and the children reported you to social services?! Yeah, leaving him is a good option.

Does your husband have a diagnosis of autism OP?

It makes perfect sense to me that someone who’s autistic may well follow the obvious line of enquiry if they think a child is being neglected and phone SS.

Yep, this. He knows what to do if children aren't being looked after 'properly' (in his opinion). You phone social services. He did that.

And now he has to learn that if you dob in your wife to Social Services, she throws you out.

I'm autistic. I understand. But you can't live with the fear of what he'll do next, and your children will suffer from having to live with a disapproving (and abusive if he's trying to physically force them into doing things) father.

Yup - have brought up two kids on the spectrum (one with a full EHCP) who really don't get on with routines! Wasn't always great at school etc where it's all about routine.

DH and I went on courses (ABA, RDI, council run autism parenting classes etc) to learn how to cope with their behaviour (which at the time was very challenging) and help them be their best selves.

One's off to uni next year having got good A levels this year (turned down one offer from an RG uni) and the other is just starting 3 science A levels. They have a few friends, love animals, take their fair share of housework, give me hugs (though not DH as he's not very 'huggy') are generally great.

The parenting thing for the kids who need more input is really hard to do though if you're not on the same page.

I wouldn't move in any way forward with your DH tbh without some major changes. Although not sure how you can move on at all from being reported to SS by him - that's not the action of a friend, let alone a life partner!

Best of luck 💐💐

He would very quickly become an ex husband......

Your husband's approach doesn't work on PDA kids. It's common for PDA in kids to really offend adults for some reason.

Sounds like you need to get rid of him though. Utilise this report to your own advantage and ask SS for help.

My thoughts exactly.

That would be the end for me. Not to mention the fact that he is equally responsible for their welfare, so equally at faultif there were issues. What the hell did so have to say about that?

Are the children both diagnosed with autism? Are they diagnosed with PDA? Or at minimum acknowledged to have this form of autism by a professional?

How old are the children?

Sorry your husband is a POS honestly he would be dead to me now. Get that anger and use it to leave him how dare he report u when your doing your absolute best day in and day out and he's a lazy a hole. Honestly kick him out.

Your kids are demand avoidant so you have to place control back in to their hands. Giving them options allowing them to have things in the bath shower which they choose even picking the times they would like. Also using reverse psychology I have found works with demand avoidant. But ultimately well done you for being such a brilliant mother and doing your best every day with the situation you are in and not trying stupid methods your husband would like you too. Your kids are lucky to have you. But him he's no use to you. He's proven his worth.

I'd love to know who the 3% are that have said you're unreasonable to expect better from him! Hopefully just a misclick...

This.

There's a possibility that reporting you to SS was a result of autistic rigid thinking: this situation isn't right, I have told @nomorefruitjuiceforme repeatedly that the situation isn't right, therefore I now must tell someone in authority who will make you believe that the situation isn't right. I can see how he would have got from A to B on that.

However, even if that is the correct interpretation - in fact, especially if that is the correct interpretation, then I think you need to live apart from him. He is either not able to be the partner and father you need or not willing to be the partner and father you need - it doesn't matter which it is.

The combination of him and teenage children with ASD is unconscionable OP. The struggles in our house have been unbearable and my DH is a good man who tries really hard, but when two immovable forces combine then it gets really hard really quickly.

My very first LTB ever… this is coercion, control and gobsmacking manipulation. You and your children deserve so much better than this and I don’t think you can come back from this or should want to actually…

They might be men who have done the same! 🤦🏼‍♀️

your husband who you are married to and living with reported you to SS for neglect. Did I read that right?? If he thinks you’re that bad of a mom surely he wouldn’t be with you. How strange.

completely agree with you. If forcing them to do things is causing more harm than good, then of course you just don’t do it. So what if they don’t wash every single day. It’s about their quality of life and if they are happy and their basic needs are met, you do what you can to keep them happy.

your husband sounds like a massive wanker.

My reaction too.

You need to break free.

Make sure you get a good 50:50 arrangement and he can keep them 100% as he thinks works when at his and you can continue as you are when at yours.

He'll soon realise what he's done to all of you.

My ds is autistic and he likes strict routines but doesn't have a set routine as such but sounds like your DH. He needs the routine he sets himself to manage rather than one set for him. Although he does have a strict routine as such as he's a swimmer.

Jesus Christ. Run!

Your husband in whom you are married to and live with reported you to social services? Wtf! Sorry, it would be over for me. I would lose all trust and respect for him.

This won't be a dripfeed as I can't really put any more details on here.

Children are primary school age, technically old enough to be able to do everything themselves, but too old to be carried in the bath. As that is what I used to do.

Husband isn't home that often, but could easily change his circumstances if he really wanted to help out. Which clearly he doesn't.

He has tried his ways, but they don't work. Clearly because I've ruined everything for him...

I am calm now. I think because I have made up my mind. I was really angry with him, but like I mentioned before, he thought I was overreacting.

Thank you all so much for your opinions. I normally hate the LTB's straight away, as you never know the whole situation from one post, but this is exactly what I would say if someone came to me with this scenario.

Probably people who don't believe this is genuine? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can you really not give any more 'details'? Like is everyone diagnosed and what social services did?

My ex was quite a lot like this….didn’t report me but didn’t give the kids they needed and stood in the way whenever I tried to get them assessed. Was always more concerned about their hair and what they were wearing and still tells youngest not to call ‘college’ ‘school’ because he’ll be made fun of. DS thinks he’s insane and couldn’t care less about superficialities. I moved my youngest out of state school in year 4 and was so happy that he’d found a school he was comfortable in and my ex insisted on meeting the head to check that it wasn’t a creationist school!

I’m autistic. Not sure whether he’s autistic but he’s so different from me that it makes the diagnosis of autism almost pointless. It seems that in men autism and npd can appear very similar.