Reported for child neglect

[nomorefruitjuiceforme]

What would you do? How would you feel?

Husband reported me for neglecting our children. He doesn't agree with my parenting, he is a lot stricter than I am. He would have super strict routines when it suits him, everything always needs to be how he likes it.

Backstory: our two children are both autistic. Have major (sensory?/demand?) issues with bathing and most forms of self care. Major meltdowns when forced to do things. Major struggles to do what is needed. Also impossible to actually make them to do these things and if I could force them, it would be abuse the way I'd have to go about it.
So... they aren't washed as much as I'd ideally like. They are both healthy, never ill. Don't look dirty, except for dirty fingernails every now and then.

Explained the situation to social services and they were happy I am doing all I can and I am looking after them well.

Husband understandably not happy with outcome, but must realise there isn't anything he can do as he hasn't changed anything he does. He never helps out and he is always really negative about everything I do and what the children do and what they look like.
Him being strict with the children doesn't get him anywhere as they aren't deliberately not listening to him, they can't cope with what he is asking of them.

I am not entirely sure what he hoped reporting me would do. I guess he hoped it would scare me into behaving like a 'proper' wife? That I would suddenly be able to create perfect children?
My children are perfect the way they are btw, they just have struggles that fit their disabilities (being autistic is classed a disability). They do need help with that and that is what I spend most of my days doing.

Husband has always blamed me for not being strict enough and according to him that is why they are they way they are. Children have a demand avoidant (PDA) profile, so putting more pressure on them is only counterproductive. Yet that is always what he does.

He keeps telling me I need to have strict routines, doesn't believe that that isn't the right thing for all autistic people. Husband himself is autistic and says he thrives on routines. Which he doesn't, as he doesn't actually have a lot of routine in his life. But because he does as he pleases most of the time, it is all on his terms, so he can cope with the way things are for him.

I feel our marriage can never really come back from this lack of trust. How can you love a woman who you think is totally rubbish at what she has dedicated her life to? I am a stay at home mum, which was a mutual decision.

He is now acting like all is well and trying to be affectionate again, but it all feels fake.

AIBU in thinking we can't overcome this?

I’d have walked the day I knew he reported me. Sorry but can’t come back from that

Do you have evidence that he's actually reported you, OP?

Did social services tell you he had reported you? If so, I’m surprised they didn’t remark how unusual this was or demand to speak to him privately.

If he has then you need to separate. He is seriously manipulating you if you think this is normal.

You are under reacting . You need to see a solicitor and divorce him. Then he will have the kids 50% of the time and he can be a perfect parent without you.

You do not need his Permission or agreement to divorce, please don’t waste your breath trying.

This… you are in an abusive relationship, slowly boiling down until you believe everything is your fault. Leave before he convinces you it is you who is the problem.

Now, leave when you are ready. Divorces are like weddings, if you want to start the next part of your life with the right foot you need to plan, save and leave when the time suits you and your kids, but before then… it helped me to see the situation as if I had some kind of “scholarship” where he paid for the roof over our heads and services while I was getting prepared to go… yes he was an arse at times but as I had already checked out (and he wasn’t violent) it was much easier to ignore him.

I hope he will soon be your ex husband. I’d say he is the abusive one as he treats you terribly.
You sound like you understand your children’s strengths and limits of tolerance. Pushing an autistic child into situations that stress them out I imagine to be horribly traumatic for them. Keep on doing what you’re doing, clean nails do not make a happy child !!!

And if it’s any consolation, social services are extremely unlikely to take your children away even if you are neglecting them, because they do not have anywhere to put them.

There are foster carers queuing up to take cute babies but very few who want two school aged kids with autism and PDA.

Fuuuuuuuck that's so, so bad. I'm so sorry OP. I could never get over that. I see you've already made your decision so I've nothing to contribute beyond the fact that, you truly have my sympathies.

I'd never be able to forgive, or forget, such a betrayal, I'm afraid. It would be the end of the marriage, and I would be sceptical as to encouraging contact between him and vulnerable children (whilst documenting precisely as to why). Why? Because I would always wonder if he'd not made the report in an effort to have the children taken into care. So many people still think that if Children's Services get a whiff of neglect, or abuse... they remove the children, no other questions asked. Perhaps, somewhere in the depths of his brain, he's even contemplated trying for a NT child as replacement for your perfectly wonderful ND ones...

And by him reporting you, @nomorefruitjuiceforme, he may believe that with the children removed from parental care, it'd be your fault - he gets to be the victim in his own charade! Poor him/nasty you (when I suspect it's entirely the other way around). No thought for the children, whatsoever. Odious man.

If it were me, I'd never be able to trust another word he said, nor his "affection". I would be making plans to be rid of him - for my children's sake, as well as my own - and I would make sure that anyone who asked, was told the truth as to the reason(s) why. I mean... a bit of dirt beneath the fingernails isn't the end of the world!

Wow. When I got to the end of your OP and read "He is now acting like all is well and trying to be affectionate again, but it all feels fake" and realised that your husband is your current husband and not an ex-husband - wow. I genuinely thought you had already split up and he had reported you as a way of controlling / abusing his ex-wife.

His behaviour is unreasonable and, frankly, intolerable. You have enough on your plate to deal with as it is, you should not have to deal with his fuckery too. I would be looking to initiate divorce proceedings. He clearly has no interest in being a team, so - goodbye.

You need to leave him and fast, and take the children with you. I bet they would be better away from him. The fact you think this is even bordering on acceptable makes me wonder are you being mentally abused. He is the one who needs to be reported to the authorities.

Social services should have picked this up as domestic abuse surely?

OP isnt autistic, her DH is.

Wow. He sounds awful. Your DCs are clearly loved and well cared for OP. He is the problem, not you.

Sounds literally exactly like my XDH (note the X). He’s not much involved in their lives now, I’m parenting with kindness and love not imposition of rules and funnily enough my PDA-profile child is far happier. Will send longer message later or PM you

^ just this (same as 97% reading the thread)

He is undermining you & your parenting, and making your life harder: exactly the opposite of what he should be doing.

Whether you leave now or at a later stage (depending on the practicalities of your situation), the trust & ‘marital’ partnership would be over for me.

Well this is my first LTB!

i was fully expecting you to be talking about your Ex but OMG you’re still married?!?
he sounds very controlling. Is he controlling of you also?? This seems a horrible environment for you to live in. I don’t see how you can possibly continue together tbh. Xxx

That's the whole thing with PDA children. Give them a choice and a bit of understanding and life is much easier.

Feel free to PM

So sorry OP.

My dad did similar, but nowhere near on the scale your hopefully stbxh did to you.

I cut that MF out my life quicker than a Blink of an eye, no way I'd allow someone who did that to us would stay in my life.

Yes, he really did report me. I have proof.

Social services phoned and we had a good talk. However shocking it is, they must get more of these phonecalls.
And yes, I also think they know exactly what the situation is like here.

What the heck does a “good chat” with SS mean? There would have been an output to the conversation. What was it?

So that’s the end of it with SS? Aren’t they at least slightly concerned about him reporting you?

The outcome was that I am doing what I can and that's it.

They clearly realised I am not a bad mum and there is nothing to investigate.

SS is not the CIA, you have a conversation and if they are satisfied your children are well cared for with your answers that’s the end of it. They don’t do follow ups when not needed, sometime they don’t do them even when they are. They simply have too many cases to deal with.