Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

[IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle]

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

@Tawnyowl2 She is in pain, annoyed and venting.

Leave her be.

Ask him if he'd like to book him an appointment with a professional counsellor to deal with his hypochondria and health anxiety.

I can't believe he was outraged when he didn't catch covid from you.He needs professional help to understand this is abnormal behaviour.

You know so much about my marriage!

You’ve no idea how much I like my husband. He is acting like a twat now. Are you able to comprehend that most people don’t act like twats all the time? If I do leave him, it won’t be on the advice of an aggressive stranger on the internet.

By the way, thanks for all the supportive posts, some of which are very funny, and for the good advice about moving around and getting out of bed.

Men make me sick sometimes I feel sorry for you I really do because I have one of these husbands too 😒

after Giving birth to our second dc which my husband wasn’t present for because he’s such a coward and scared of anything to do with hospitals he can into the labour ward after and sat there as if he had just given birth !! I mean what the actual f**k is wrong with some of these men that are insane

i note all this down in a mental “book” one day HES gonba pay big time 😂

@tinx could have written this myself, although the was there for the birth, mine was the same after. Even visitors commented on how ill he looked in comparison to me. Also another couple we knew had had a baby on the same day and he spent the next two months telling me
how he felt so bad for her and she had such a terrible birth. Well mine was lovely wasn’t it. A real walk in the park. An ounce of appreciation for my own birth would have been nice..

Actually winding myself up about him more reading these and thinking back!!!

@Queenieloveforever

I’m surprised my post made any sense with all those typos 🤦‍♀️

make a note of it in the mental book
I know holding a grudge isn’t good but somethings are too big to let go… 😝

It does sound very annoying. I think some people worry that if they are not suffering in some way they wont get any attention. It's exhausting.

@Queenieloveforever

I know !! Me too

lucky for him he’s away right now or I would literally spit on him for what he did 11 years ago

I used to avoid telling my ex if I had anything the matter, as he would immediately develop the same symptoms, but worse 'I've caught your cold/headache/period pains etc'.

That said, even if he was ill, he was very stoic about going to work still, so good work-ethic!

Ok OP I see that you only want people to agree with you and help you justify your anger. Anything else is insulting, ok I’ll leave you to it. I hope you and your DH can work things out once you both are feeling better.

You’ve been asked, both by me and by another poster, to take your inert spite elsewhere. Please do so.

I really don't care at all about your marriage. or you. or your husband. or how lovely it all is when you aren't describing him on AIBU (you do know what that stands for right?) to perfect strangers in the most derogatary way.

To be honest after seeing your recent posts you seem very well met so enjoy the rest of your lives together.

Crikey. This is getting more heated than the Burger King thread!

Go and book yourself into a hotel for a week.

YADNBU I've had the cut-you-open variety too, with staples and a drain, and it effing hurts. A lot. The best advice my post op physio gave me was this, when you need to exert yourself (getting/sitting up etc) breathe OUT. It helps with the pain no end. I wish I'd known it years ago when I had chronic back problems.

He needs to shut up and help you. I wish you a speedy recovery. It's amazing how quickly the body repairs itself. Take it easy. X

I too have one of these darling husbands haha. Years ago when I had a very high risk pregnancy I remember him being incredibly supportive, doing so very much so I could rest. But as he has got older his ailments are frequent & so much worse than anything Ive ever experienced. Ive had numerous gyne ops & treatments as well as several premature CS deliveries but No!! he has had worse.
A couple of years ago I had my gall bladder removed too & had unfortunately caught a cold shortly before my surgery - so was recovering from the op while also coughing & sneezing. This combo was not a touch on what he had though when he caught the same cold from me.
I love him to bits luckily, but he really tests the vows of "in sickness & in health" 😂😂
All the best for a full recovery OP, can you maybe head away to your friends home for some R&R there without the dramatics at your home.

he would immediately develop the same symptoms, but worse 'I've caught your cold/headache/period pains etc

@HyggeandTea I actually said 'fuck off' to the screen when I read this XD. Really annoys me.

The way that some people opt out of a nurturing role, of having to do any empathising or care giving is by immediately assuming the role of an infant. It's a trick they learnt growing up whereby as soon as nurturing is required of them they do the emotional equivalent of suddenly flopping onto the floor, bellies up, then cry out so you won't demand anything of them. You see, they are also a baby in need of care....so you won't get fuck all. They make sure they paint themselves to be as equally vulnerable as you, as sick as you, maybe much worse off than you. They're usually 'poor me' types.

Mumsnet is WILD sometimes.

I am on the fence too. I say that because after my c section I had a massive relapse at 5 weeks. Was fine before hand for a couple of weeks but massively over did it.

I assume it’s a bit similar so do stay rested OP even when you think your fine. Sit the full 6 weeks out from anything complex. Gentle walking. GENTLE!!

Get well soon

Why did he stay in hospital for 2 days? His legs worked just fine and after an X-ray they would also know his ribs were fine.

I broke my ankle and foot and was sent home with a walking boot and even had to ask for painkillers as I can’t take ibuprofen. My nan broke her ribs more than 2 I may add when I was a child and she had a heart condition and still managed to look after me fine later on the same day (I lived with her and fairly self sufficient age). Even when my kid broke her arm at 6 they didn’t require her to stay in!

I mean why would you need to waste valuable NHS funds and much needed bed for a clear break that doesn’t require surgery!

My last boyfriend was like this. I'd ask him how he was and get a list of things back. If I ever asked him if he'd taken painkillers or phoned the GP or done any breathing exercises (he had anxiety attacks) I'd get 'I can't!' or he'd change the subject.

If I ever talked about my health/mental health issues (in a way to suggest things I'd found helpful so he could help himself) I'd get shut down. (His favourite phrase for anything was 'I can't.')

And heaven forbid I ever say he was upsetting me with some of the stuff he came out with, (he threatened to kill himself a few times) or say I needed to go to bed because I was tired (I mean really tired, I ended up feeling ill on several occasions, and I'd never felt tired to the point of being ill until this relationship.) If I ever mentioned he'd upset me it was all 'but what about me?' I wasted so much energy on this joy sponge. He dumped me after a came back from holiday (which I enjoyed because I didn't talk to him much) which made me feel much better!

The bonus to this sorry tale is he still lives with his parents, doesn't have a job, his mum disapproved of me because I'm seperated from my ex husband but not divorced and I still have 'his' surname, (it's mine now!) he wanted us to move in together and have me support him. He can't work because of disabilities, but won't apply for any help. He can't do that either apparently. 🙄 (There's not much wrong with him, it's all the same things as I have, we're both autistic, have poor mental health and a mild chronic condition that can be managed with medication, but I get on with it. The difference is I don't have rich parents.)

I probably sound like a right cow! But five months of this drove me mad. He's gone back to his ex who lives on a different continent and who he'd never met in the six years they were together previously. I've met someone older than me but who has his shit together! Anyone who's put up with this for years deserves a fucking medal! 🏅 🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅

Sorry for the massive rant, that felt good!

Also hi mum! <waves>

He sounds like a complete pain in the arse OP.
My DH needed major knee surgery a few years ago. I looked after him. Pretty much as soon as he was allowed off his crutches, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. We joked that I was iller than him now, and DH cracked on with the rest of his recovery with barely a murmur.