Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

[offputtt]

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

I dont have time for 'friends' like that no way.

@TedMullins It’s not that my friends mean little to me. Even if I write stuff in a diary I’ll still forget. If I was scheduled to win a million pounds in January I forget about that too. I forget the dates of my own holidays if they’re more than a few weeks away. My brain just doesn’t work that far into the future but then the onus is on you to be able to remember or find a way to remember stuff, not on your friends to all book you with one day's notice so you don't forget them. I presume you never go to weddings, birthday parties, big holidays etc because they'll have all been booked in more than a fortnight ahead?

I have a three month wall planner on my bathroom wall (wipe clean) so I constantly have a rolling list of what we're doing. At the end of each month I wipe it clean and write on the stuff on so End of Aug I clean it and update it with November's stuff, and I use my diary (little thing that fits in my handbag) to update it.

I’m usually busy. Someone tends to put a message in the group chat at some point during the week saying “does anyone fancy doing x this weekend?” or “DH and I are going to x place for lunch on Saturday if anyone fancies joining us”. So might only be a couple out the group that end up getting together because others are at a pre planned event

For example this weekend I am at my parents house. My local friends all decided yesterday to meet up for lunch tomorrow but I said no I’m away, see you all another time.

However I did message friends near my parents earlier in the week saying “I’m home this weekend, anyone about?” I am just back from having lunch with them. Still plenty of time with family too

This ^

I wouldn't consider doing food shopping, doing a bit of cleaning or going for a walk as being ' busy '

No, I wouldn't either, but there comes a time when they do have to be done. So if you are at an activity all day Saturday, then church Sunday morning, then dinner with the inlaws, It does actually leave a pretty small window to shoot off to the supermarket before it closes at 4, as obviously leaving it until next weekend is going to leave the whole family hungry.

I presume there must be a correlation between people who expect others to be available at the drop of a hat and those who don't actually belong to anything, or volunteer with anything. Probably those who are either SAHPs or who only work a smaller number of hours a week as well.

I presume there must be a correlation between people who expect others to be available at the drop of a hat and those who don't actually belong to anything, or volunteer with anything. Probably those who are either SAHPs or who only work a smaller number of hours a week as well. why do yo u assume SAHP or vvpart time worker have no interests, no volunteering, no hobbies, no interest in culture etc and are just sitting around waiting for their more interesting aka actually work for a living friends to be free?

I wouldn't cancel a swimming lesson for a party either. Swimming lessons are expensive (to me). We use all that we are able to pay for whether someone'

S going to huff about it or not.

I have a chat over a cuppa every couple of days with a friend or 2. I prioritise it because it makes me feel good.

BUT, I, and to be fair, all of my friends, see it as a quick catch up... 45min to an hour, often over lunchbreak or after work. Anything longer takes planning, and might well be for 3 months time.

It depends why. If it is unavoidable work demands, medical appointments, real family commitments, etc., that's one thing. If it's their social calendar that is booked (indeed, if they have a social calendar!), then they don't sound like the greatest of friends.

But would you normally expect an adult non-relative to attend a child's birthday party? Or is it her child who was invited, and she wouldn't give him 'time off' to come because of his swimming and other activities?

But they're still activities that you need to set aside time for.

Taking the kids to the park IS an activity when they're younger and it's important for them to get out and play and run about. For many people, if you don't block off a morning to do it, it won't get done. Similar to going for a walk - if you don't block time off to do it and get some exercise/fresh air - it won't happen as other stuff will get in the way and take over.

Food shopping and cleaning - again, they're just things that have to be done. Even if you shop online, you need to be home to take it in, unpack it and put it away, and some slots are 2-3 hours long so that's easily a decent chunk of time gone. Cleaning might not be fun but if you don't put time aside to do it, it easily builds up and then before you know it, you're overwhelmed with stuff and mess.

It's not about picking housework/shopping over friends, more that sometimes, I only have a few hours free that weekend and if I don't prioritise the boring stuff, I know my working week will be even more stressful and I can't face that.

No, I didn't.
I mustn't have worded it very well.

I meant

• correlation between people who don't have regular things they are committed to (like volunteering, sport hobbies) and people who expect others to be free

Also , but separately, I suspect there is a

• correlation between people who aren't out at work 40+ hours a week and people who think others ought to be available to spend a couple or more hours with friends without much notice.

I didn't mean to imply people who don't work FT don't have interests or commitments

What is a god sibling?

correlation between people who don't have regular things they are committed to (like volunteering, sport hobbies) and people who expect others to be free

I don't think so. I don't expect people to be free every weekend for example, but would be a bit taken aback if someone told me that they weren't free until next year.

I am talking about people whose children are grown up BTW, so no childcare issues, after school activities, children's parties etc.

I think, in my case, it comes from living a long way from the small amount of family we have left and not having a huge circle of friends.

I work, I have weekly charity commitments and a couple of other monthly commitments, but generally we don't make plans weeks and weeks in advance.

You're always an option, no one has to see you.

Cutting ties with anyone who isn't instantly available to you or makes you a huge priority in their lives is the fast lane to having no friends.

Try to remember you are not actually the centre of the universe

Totally agree RampantIvy* I would honestly think they were joking if a friend told me they were all booked up and couldn’t squeeze me in until next year

When I realised they were serious I’d think they were trying to (very untactfully) back off from the friendship.

We tend to book things up on advance as that's the way life works out for us these days. We have six children between us and that's a lot of organising to take in to account. And on top of that, we try to snatch time away where we can. Maybe some of our friends feel about us as you do about your friends. It's a shame, but life is short and we have lots of things to fit in.

I never had plans with XH. Ever. Those years felt very long whilst feeling like we were wasting them.

Yes you are being unreasonable and won't have many friends left with that attitude. Friends are not a priority they are a luxury. For people that work full time that doesn't leave much spare time for other things like activities with the kids, spending time with your partner that you barely see because you both work different hours, health appointments, seeing family members etc so yes the calendar does get booked up months in advance. Real friends understand this and don't expect to be your priority. Grow up!

Some people do genuinely have very busy lives.

My ds is elite sport level and if we have weekends free sometimes I do literally block them off as free.

So no - I'm not busy. But for once I'm also not doing anything.

I have 2 weekends free between now and December and 1 already booked in December.

Im keeping them free because sometimes you just need to do nothing.

I was also reluctant to cancel ds swimming lessons when it was half hour a week to attend events. Because then when you get offers every week that clash how do you prioritise?
In the end I managed to get him an after school slot to solve this issue. Actually - not really anymore as it's swimming he does now and that takes up 5 days a week and lots of meets!

I don't have a free weekend now until mid November. Had to cancel stuff this weekend because dd has covid. I'm so booked up only because I have a lot of different groups of friends, so have to schedule things in when it works around their calendars too. I do have occasional time where it can be 'let's meet up tomorrow' but most of the time with after school clubs and mine and dh fitness classes evenings are tricky so have to arrange sitters in advance. I don't think that makes me a bad friend. Do agree with pp though that 'don't know what we're doing yet' is plain rude.

This makes me realise I don't really have any friends. I don't have much at all booked in. Everyone is so busy with their kids and stuff. I'm not anyone's priority and that's quite sad.

I think this really depends how much time you are talking, as well.

If I arrange to meet a friend for lunch, then that really blocks that day out from 11am until about 5 or 6pm. Because of travel ('locally' here, I would tend to need 30mins before, to get across City, park, etc), getting ready, not starting something that is going to run over, but mainly because, when I meet a friend for lunch that is a really lovely event for me. Almost like a therapy session. Loads of chat and laughter, and sometimes support for whoever might need it. A real proper catch up. So the idea of "45mins or an hour" isn't really something I can imagine doing.
I will occasionally 'go for a drink' (or coffee) with friends I have been doing some volunteering with, or at a hobby with, or at a meeting with, and that is spontaneous, but if someone wants to arrange to meet, then I want to give that person my time and energy or focus for the day, not slip them into a 9am on a Sunday morning with a warning I need to leave in 45mins. That sounds more like a business meeting than a pleasurable catch up with friends, to me.

Poster 1 : So so BUSY, here is my schedule. LOOK! I am busy EVERY weekend until Feb 2023.
Poster 2 : Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Booked Up, not an opening till Dec 2023.
Poster 3 : ChockaBlock! DiarIES all filled out until mid 2024.
Poster 4 : I got a ten year diary on Amazon and it is full to the gills already! SO much to do in so little time!

#busybusybee #socialbutterfly #comeflywithme #howaboutcostain2026
#iamSOmuchbusierthanyou #iwouldgototheopeningofanenvelope #busyisasbusydoes #notasparehourdoihave

Hilarious.

😂 and don’t forget all of us that are not super busy because we don’t fill our time 24/7 and like having space to be spontaneous need to grow up according to pp’s

Ha ha you said it!!

Family life easily gets so busy. I rarely see anyone outside of mums on school run, a mum friend i go to the gym &/or breakfast with, a friend I do wrap around childcare for, a friend I occasionally dog sit for, my boyfriend on a weekend & family at birthdays.
I do have a medical condition that limits how much I can do each day so i have to prioritise my life over others as I am a single parent 5/7 days a week so if people want to or need to see me they need to come to me.
I don’t get snarky with them for not coming to see me because I know how hard it is juggling life.
YABU but on the flip side of it is something you can’t stand then maybe be a grownup & tell them how much it bugs you.