Really put off by friends who you have to schedule 3 -4 months in advance

[offputtt]

Just to see for a lunch or a coffee..

I've got a couple of these and it's happened 2-3 times now that when talking about meeting, I've been given those time lines. I remember discussing last September and being told January might be good, as ' all booked up until then '..

I just completely lose interest in people who need that much notice, as it doesn't feel like I'm any kind of priority to them whatsoever. So why should I make any kind of effort to attend special events for them ?

Or another one told me she couldn't come to my DS birthday because her DS had a swimming lesson that day. Why should I make any effort, if they've shown me none ?

Or is it immature ? I'm just so done with putting effort in.

I agree. But I break my back to fit all my friends and family in and as a result do get quite booked up.

Yanbu
A friend of mine told me on 1 July she had booked something every single day of the summer holidays so wasn’t free for the children to meet until mid September. The smugness of it was unbearable. Quietly dropped that one.

Well done 👏

YANBU.
What really hacks me off is when you try to organise something 3 months in advance and they tell you they’re not sure yet, it’s too far in advance etc. but then when you try to do it closer to the time then they already have firm plans. So they were waiting for a better offer then.

I find the “very busy” brigade to be so boring. They’ll schedule you’ll for a “catch up” coffee in 3 months like it’s a burden.

I blank them all now. Literally completely ignore their contact and you know what’s weird, they keep asking to meet up and this time not in 3 months, but actually next week. I still don’t reply.

im so over it. Like it’s the so busy and important olympics

You sound delightful 🤨

There is something very wrong if you can’t make 40 minutes for a friend out of 28-31 days. Perhaps you should take a look at the balance of responsibility within your home? Sounds like you're doing everything

PLEASE tell me what you said to that!

Well then perhaps you should re-evaluate how you treat these friends, or you won’t be Little Miss Popular for much longer.

You can’t treat people like that! You just can’t

Nest?!?! YABVVVU just for using that term 😬 Cringe!

I've got to say I'm howling at all the posters falling over each other on here, to be the most busy!

I have a fairly busy life but can fit an hour or two on a weekend/weekday for a coffee with a friend leaving DH to take dc to the swimming or some other pre planned activity or meet someone in between doing something. If I'm doing something I'll invite them there or vice versa. I've even met a friend whilst getting my hair done as we had busy schedules that kept clashing and I asked if she needs to get her hair done soon and I arranged the appointments for the same time sitting next to each. After the appointment, we grabbed a quick coffee and walked to the car park and parted ways. I think if someone tells you they are free in 4 months time, they probably won't jot you down either. I can understand holidays, weddings, funerals, sickness etc but if they really want to see you, they can. I had a (ex) friend who would come crawling out every once in a while after she'd exhausted every possible avenue and she's been at home for a while bored off her face after ignoring my previous attempts hence why she is a ex friend. You can easily tell all her other friends are either on holiday or at a wedding or something else if she came crawling as I could see it on SM.

@NeckFanInSoftPlay nah things in my house are pretty balanced. We're an hour away from family and friends so a 40 minute coffee automatically becomes a 2.5 hour trip. I find the balance reasonably well but sometimes I just can't be available at short notice.

Me too. 🤣🤣 some of the things described, I wouldn't even ever consider specifying as being ' busy '.

Someone I know once planned to take her kids to the park for a walk in the morning. When someone asked her what she was up to that morning, she said she was busy. I wouldn't consider doing food shopping, doing a bit of cleaning or going for a walk as being ' busy '. I wouldn't turn down a friend for any of those busy activities. Unless I didn't want to see them of course, which is kind of why I think some people make themselves too busy in this way- to people they don't really want to see.

I can be like this. I used to be the one with nothing to do 2 days a week because I'd be hoping to do something with a friend but I'd always be left waiting for them to confirm plans or they'd cancel last minute because they cba or just not text till half hour before, expecting me to still be free.

So now I have a club and counselling on Saturday and riding lessons on a Sunday followed by helping out a bit around the barn and if anyone really wants to see me, they can be inconvenienced for a change.

It’s taken me a while to understand this because none of my friends or family would ever behave this way and I would assume they were trying to phase out the relationship if they said they couldn’t squeeze me in for 4 months. But I do have in-laws like this and I’ve figured out that people who plan every tiny social occasion 3-4 months in advance think that they’re busier than they really are because they have every event written down on a calendar. So they look at all the filled up weekends and it probably looks overwhelming!

The person they’re saying they can’t squeeze in might be even busier than them but they enjoy seeing friends spontaneously so they are just getting up, seeing if a friend wants to go for coffee before taking kids out for the planned event over lunch, meet another friend at the park on the way home, have dinner, meet another friend for a walk or an exercise class etc. after the kids are in bed. So they have squeezed 3 social occasions in on what the calendar person would think is a busy day because there’s something already scheduled. The spontaneous person probably doesn’t even feel like they’ve had a busy day because they’ve just been doing things they enjoy and they’ve passed a few hours with the kids.

For people saying they like days doing nothing, that’s all well and good but that isn’t the same as having every minute of your life so full up so that you can’t squeeze a close friend in for coffee for months on end…it’s insulting.

I've come across these types

Or they can't commit to the last minute and it's always on their terms

😁

…but they enjoy seeing friends spontaneously so they are just getting up, seeing if a friend wants to go for coffee before taking kids out for the planned event over lunch, meet another friend at the park on the way home, have dinner, meet another friend for a walk or an exercise class etc. after the kids are in bed. So they have squeezed 3 social occasions in…

that’s all well and good if your friends are living nearby. But most of my close friends live hours away, so there’s no such thing as squeezing in a quick coffee before an activity. Hence, we plan in advance and tend to plan bigger things such as a night away involving a show or a gig and a meal, to make the most of our time together, but then that means being away from home for a considerable chunk of the weekend, hence unavailable to others at short notice.

girlmom I think what you said about visiting GPS taking up a whole day is a good example of how it’s a difference in people’s mindsets rather than in how busy they are. But for me personally, I wouldn’t consider seeing my in-laws for a few hours as something that would mentally take up a whole day. We’re going to see them tomorrow, we’ll be there from 3-7ish. If a friend text me now and asked if I wanted to do something tomorrow I wouldn’t give it a second thought as I have all morning, all evening and half the afternoon free. Sure there’s a few things to do for Monday but it isn’t going to take me, say 8 hours! If yours are an hour away it’s maybe taking up more of your day but do you leave at 7am and come back at 10am everytime you see them? Or is it more that you’re mentally blocking that day out. This isn’t a personal attack of you btw just a general musing on the issue!

Doesn't it depend what it is though @offputtt ?

If a friend wants to meet for a coffee I can always fit that in within the next week or so

A night out/ boozy dinner? Would have to be a Saturday as can't do work and hangover and work late Friday nights, and I've already got things planned the next ten Saturdays! Shoot me, they are all nice things, things I want to do with people I like that I would not turn down on the basis I should have some availability for my more spontaneous pals!

I think that's a very good point actually. We tend to leave around 9am and sometimes we'll stay until 1pm and other times we'll stay til 4/5. It just depends how the day unfolds. I wouldn't want to book a second activity as I wouldn't want to feel like I was on the clock, and I have 2 very young children at the moment so think a visit plus two hours travel is a lot to then go on to somewhere or something else afterwards.

I'm certain that'll change as they get older

But it isn't 45.minites in 31 days.

Lots of people don't want to be going out on a work night for a quick catch up. I'd do dinner / movie etc but to get out I wouldn't have time for dinner, with travel it'd be 45 round trip, I'd want more than one coffee and bye.

And I could have lots of "few hours" spare but they need to align with DH also being free to have the kids, and my friend being free the same time

For those who object to being booked in in 3 months, do you do something most weekends but most of your friends just have no plans until the last minute so you all just call a night before to suggest dinner, movies etc? Or do you spend most weekends with no plans enacted?

I'm this friend because I have DH who works shifts, DS who is 8 months and I'm pregnant again.. AND we want to see family, so weekdays yes I'm free, a weekend please look at December if you want all of us or just me on my own..