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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery made DS take his glasses off

244 replies

GlassesWearer · 23/09/2022 17:57

NC’d because I know other nursery mum’s are on here.

DS is 3 and has had glasses for two years. He has a very strong prescription and gets very upset when his glasses are taken away (because he’s essentially blind). We did tell nursery this. He even has goggles for swimming and sports goggles too, we always make sure he has a spare pair on him in case something happens to them.

We’ve been given the order form for his school photos (individual and class photo) and he’s not wearing his glasses. Nursery mentioned to DH at pick up on the day they were taken that they took them off because it looks nicer - DH didn’t mention this to me until after I saw the proofs today. They also mentioned to DH that he was a bit upset during the photos and that they struggled to get one (which will be because he didn’t have his glasses on)!

I’m really upset that they took his glasses off him. I think he looks adorable in them but, regardless, that’s not their purpose. They’re a medical device and he needs them. On the other hand, what’s done is done, there’s no long term harm and he does look precious in the photos.

AIBU to raise this with his teacher and ask them not to remove them for future photos? There have been no other issues, we’re very happy and DS loves going there.

OP posts:
fuckfuckfuck2021 · 23/09/2022 20:13

This happened to one of my children in reception I told them it was never to happen again! They used the excuse of glare from the lighting. If the photographer can't take a picture of a child with glasses on they have no business being a photographer! I felt like it was terrible thing to do. All my children wear glasses it's part of who they are!

Anewuser · 23/09/2022 20:15

Absolutely bloody disgusting, you should definitely complain to the nursery manager.

For those who asked if a photographer would remove a child from their wheelchair…. We had exactly that at my son’s special needs school, they laid him on the ground as they thought the wheelchair would ruin the photo. Ridiculous, he can’t walk so the wheelchair is his legs. Photo didn’t even look like him.

Your poor son.

JadeTC · 23/09/2022 20:15

Oh that's so awful of them. As others have said it removed his ability to see so must have been unnerving and also sends the message that they don't look good. My toddler DC wears glasses and looks adorable ☺️

NumberTheory · 23/09/2022 20:16

YANBU to go in and talk to them.

I wouldn’t get angry, I don’t think that will be helpful. I would go in and explain in a friendly way that

a) it will have been an upsetting experience for your DS because it makes him, essentially, blind and that’s not really a fair or kind thing to ask of a 3 year old just because adults in the room like the look more.

And b) something along the lines of you finding it sad that they want to erase elements that are so essential to your DS’s experience of nursery. That you know that’s an artistic choice, and you recognise that some people like it more but that it’s not a universal view and that a lot of people nowadays are recognising that it hides a form of unconscious ableism. The desire to showcase people as though they are perfect physical specimens is normally well intentioned but its corollary is that those impairments which are being hidden are something to be ashamed of. And that’s not something you believe.

b) is hard, I think, because it really is telling people they’ve been a insulting when they were trying to be helpful. An attack on their values. So doing it in a way where you can bring tho understand there’s another way to look at it, can be hard. But it’s would probably be better for your DS and other kids at the nursery, if you can help the people there see it from this perspective too.

amysaurus87 · 23/09/2022 20:19

Honestly if this was me, I'd raging. They've removed his ability to see.

I'd be asking for them to be retaken.

Dollydea · 23/09/2022 20:20

That's horrible! Children who wear glasses look completely different when they take them off, they're essentially a part of their identity.

I do remember my nan kicking up a fuss when I was in primary school, I wore glasses when reading & writing and had forgotten to take them off when we went for the school photos. She said the photos were ruined and the teachers should've reminded me to take them off, made me feel horrible about wearing them for years afterwards.

I'd definitely raise a complaint.

Newmumatlast · 23/09/2022 20:22

Speak to them. Taking a child's glasses off because in their view they look better is not only ableist but gives a very damaging message to the kids. I'd actually be questioning the nursery as childcare because if they have those views, what other views do they have and they may trickle down to the kids

Elodie09 · 23/09/2022 20:23

This made me feel so sad and also completely outraged for your dear little boy.
How could they do this? Make a complaint straight away.
I am a great one for allowing for errors of judgement and l then learn from it but this is appalling. I am so shortsighted that if l knock my glasses of my bedside drawer I honestly can't see to find them. It is a down on the floor job and sweep my hands across the carpet until I find them scenario.

Your little one must have been so worried and scared not being able to see.
I am nearly in tears for him but you sound like an amazing mum and he will be cherished and thrive with all your love.

FarmersWife2019 · 23/09/2022 20:24

I’ve worn glasses since I was 18 months old so very similar to your son. My glasses were removed for my first school photo at 5 years old and my eyes were so crossed my mum refused to buy the photo. Luckily I don’t remember this experience but I do remember awkward poses in the years after (chin down) to stop the glare from the flash.
I would definitely raise this with the nursery. They need to know the clear boundaries not only for the sake of your child but others too. What’s next taking a hearing aid from a deaf child because it looks ‘nicer’.

Sarbears28 · 23/09/2022 20:26

My DC has a red visible birthmark on their head. The Nursery photographer told me they could airbrush this out to make my DC's photo 'nicer' for me. I was furious. The birthmark is a part of my DC and I dont want them to think its something that they have to be ashamed off or need to cover up. I said 'no, do not airbrush anything, my child looks perfect they way they are and I would hope that no one makes my child feel any different'. I could see/feel the embarrassment from her. I would mention to the school that the glasses are apart of your child, he is not to feel that he doesnt look nice with them on.

properdoughnut · 23/09/2022 20:28

Sarbears28 · 23/09/2022 20:26

My DC has a red visible birthmark on their head. The Nursery photographer told me they could airbrush this out to make my DC's photo 'nicer' for me. I was furious. The birthmark is a part of my DC and I dont want them to think its something that they have to be ashamed off or need to cover up. I said 'no, do not airbrush anything, my child looks perfect they way they are and I would hope that no one makes my child feel any different'. I could see/feel the embarrassment from her. I would mention to the school that the glasses are apart of your child, he is not to feel that he doesnt look nice with them on.

Bloody hell! You'd think it would be part of their qualifications?

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 23/09/2022 20:29

This happened to my Year 7 son last year, simply because he ‘looked better without’. I found that an insult as he needs to wear them all of the time.
Every time I look at the picture, I barely recognise the child 🥺

properdoughnut · 23/09/2022 20:29

Anewuser · 23/09/2022 20:15

Absolutely bloody disgusting, you should definitely complain to the nursery manager.

For those who asked if a photographer would remove a child from their wheelchair…. We had exactly that at my son’s special needs school, they laid him on the ground as they thought the wheelchair would ruin the photo. Ridiculous, he can’t walk so the wheelchair is his legs. Photo didn’t even look like him.

Your poor son.

WHAT THE ACTUAL

People are so rubbish sometimes I'm sorry

twoshedsjackson · 23/09/2022 20:29

Many schools keep a copy of photographs for identifying children; you might point out to the school that altering his appearance so radically will render any photograph they have far less useful? His glasses are part of how everybody sees him.

HappyDays40 · 23/09/2022 20:33

Its exactly the same principle as moving a child out of a wheelchair coz it doesn't fit the aesthetic. Fucking stupid people.

Staryflight445 · 23/09/2022 20:37

He looks better without them? What the actual f….

what a message they’re teaching to children hey 🥺

Staryflight445 · 23/09/2022 20:39

HappyDays40 · 23/09/2022 20:33

Its exactly the same principle as moving a child out of a wheelchair coz it doesn't fit the aesthetic. Fucking stupid people.

I thought this too.

glasses, wheelchairs and lots of other things become a part of who that person is. So offensive to take it away because they think it looks better without.

siestaingsnake · 23/09/2022 20:40

totally agree with kicking off and shoddy photographers. My DD wore specs from months old and it was drilled into her do not remove no matter whi tells you you know you can't see and scream if they are off your face. I watched as a photographer used every excuse to his the fact he just couldnt take a photograph without glare .

LifeIsaRollerCoaster1 · 23/09/2022 20:40

"they took them off because it looks nicer"

I'd have said pardon? Who says it looks nicer?? So wearing glasses makes him look not nice?? No no no. Unless you specifically requested they are removed they stay on!!! And they do not make comments like that!

itsgettingweird · 23/09/2022 20:41

I'd be furious too.

I wear glasses - I can't see without them.

How DARE anyone say I look better without them.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 23/09/2022 20:45

I would email the nursery manager and tell them that DS is to wear his glasses at all time as he needs them and it is safety issue is not wearing them. I would also return the photo form and tell them it is a shame but you will not be ordering any photos and tell them it is because DS doesn’t look like DS as he doesn’t have his glasses on!

Pushmepullu · 23/09/2022 20:51

My son wears glasses and has quite a strong prescription. In person he looks great with his glasses on, in photos the light bounces off the lenses and so he doesn’t look his usual handsome self. Would I ever tell him this? No, his glasses are a part of him and he shouldn’t feel self conscious wearing them. Son is 28.

pinkstripeycat · 23/09/2022 20:59

Why are they touching his face, his glasses?! Awful. Poor lad. They are part of him. I’d be angry

OnlyMeIJustChangedMyName · 23/09/2022 21:00

I am an almost blind glasses wearer and have done since age 5. As a child I took my glasses off for all photos and I'm personally glad I did. Having said that my mother found me cute either way.
I can understand him getting upset aged 3 though, but I couldn't get worked up about it and if it were my preference for him to keep them on I'd have a quiet word ahead of the next one.

idontthinksodou · 23/09/2022 21:04

You should definitely raise it. What kind of message is the nursery sending to your child? That he isn't good enough with his glasses on. If he chooses that he prefers pictures with his glasses off then that's completely different. Poor boy

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