To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

[WeddingsChoice]

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
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My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

When we chose a date we checked with immediate family and vice versa I remember two of sil close friends got married the same summer as us (we booked first) and she asked them not to choose our date. Its tough I don't know what I would do. I think if they end up on same day I would probably do db wedding and drop out of wedding duties for friend. But go to friends evening so you are sharing part of her day. But for now I would maybe try to call db bluff and say you can not attend and see if he will change it.

Not RTFT, but why can't your brother look at another date if he's literally just booked his wedding? You've been committed to your friend's wedding for several years, so he's DBU as are your parents! Are they usually like this?

There is no way I would pull out of my friends wedding . You have accepted the invite and your daughter has a role in it. Your brother may have his reasons for this date and you may be close but for him to simply expect you to tell your friend you can no longer attend as he has without warning gone and booked the same date is shit all round. There may be a fall out but if your as close as you say surely they knew you were attending a wedding already?

Stick with your friend. It would be so cruel to drop out now, and your brother is out of order.

My children couldn't make my b'n'law's wedding as it was abroad and they were in school and were potentially missing exams and he changed the date. if he wants you there he needs to change the date.

It would be no contest for me - your brother's wedding should take priority. Your friend may not always be part of your life but your brother will be, especially as you are close and you may regret it one day. As it puts you in difficult dilemma however, I would ask your brother to try and move his date if at all possible. Perhaps tell your parents that they're really not helping the situation?!!
Good luck; not an easy one.

But this assumes a close family.
As OP has explained, it's not quite like this.

And that's a terribly clichéd phrase to trot out.

We had to skip a family wedding recently because we were on holiday. We'd already booked the holiday before we go the wedding invite (not quite the other side of the country but 3-4 hours drive). Explained to the family member and all was fine.

If people are making demands and threats and telling me how important they are then I'm even less likely to try to accommodate them.

I'd go to your brothers wedding but your parents' emotional/childcare blackmail is really fucked up, and you need to be aware of that.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

these comments would get my back right up! 😡

if you’ve had it planned to go to your friends wedding then it’s your brother and your parents bring unreasonable - not you!

i really dont thin you sholdstretch yourself to try and do both-something will clash in the day and then both will be upset

Definitely not unreasonable as 1) friends are the people we choose in our lives, & so more important than family and 2) even regardless of number 1, you have made a prior commitment.

This absolutely!

I second the first booked stance always but with one exception. My brother´s wedding would take precedence over a friend´s.

If it wasn't such a good friend or you and your dd weren't fg and bridesmaid then I'd have said go to your brother's. But in this case, go to your friend's. He can change the date if he's really interested.

Quite surprised to see how many people would be fine with their close friend and bridesmaid dropping out from their wedding after committing to it for a really long time!

Your family are being so horrible about this. The emotional manipulation and threats are just awful. I'd go to my friends wedding in this situation. It's been planned for years and your brother has just booked his. It would be so hurtful for you to drop out of your friends wedding party. If you're family want you there they can change the date. Please don't let them emotionally blackmail you about this, you're not being at all unreasonable

Me too.

Despite loving my brother, I would think the prior commitment of the magnitude of a wedding, would not be something I would just ditch because my brother decided on that day without the basic courtesy of checking with both immediate families.

If you really want both family's there, you double check with them.

It really is that simple.

I agree!

I would be heartbroken if my members of my wedding broken pulled out once things had all been bought and arranged for ages! I wonder how this BIL/SIL bride and groom would feel if it happened to them?!

If he wanted you there he should have checked your availability before booking. YANBU to stick to the wedding booked first and that you are more involved with in this case. Has he booked anything for it yet?

I agree with the pps who say the OP needs to reframe this. It is not OP choosing between two weddings but her DB choosing between his preferred date and his sister.

He’s currently choosing the date over his sis.

I'd go to the friends as you accepted first. I think it would really affect her enjoyment of the wedding if you weren't there, plus it will be a memory for life for your daughter.

This how is approach the family relationships:

To the brother and the future SIL, present it as something that you can't do anything about and say you are so upset, disappointed etc etc. You could even act a little hurt that they've chosen a day you can't attend. Do NOT accept that you have done anything wrong here. You were already committed to the other wedding, this is out of your hands. If he starts trying to blame you, emphasise that YOU are the victim. How can your brother be so indifferent to you not coming, this is his choice not yours, you would have loved to have been there and never would pick a date he can't do for your wedding, etc etc etc. Send some gushy messages to future SIL about how happy you are to be sisters so you can't be accused of being mean to her.

However, be absolutely furious with your parents. How dare they use their relationship with their grandkids as leverage. GP - GC relationships are not disposable and it's awful that they're treating them like that as a result of something that your brother has done, not you. Clearly they don't feel the same way about their GC as the GC do about their GP. If your parents ever favoritised your brother as a child this is also a good time to bring that up. Also say that your friend would NEVER threaten to take out her anger on your child in the way they have done.

So basically, be nice / play the victim a little with the brother but go on the offensive with the parents. Focus on their dismissive attitude towards your DD as the main reason you are upset with them. Don't back down until they accept full guilt and apologies profusely.

If you do it right this should lead to you making up with your brother BEFORE you make up with the parents. This will make them second guess themselves as obviously it's originally a dispute with your brother so they'll realise they must be in the wrong if you're back on good terms with him but not them.

Good luck and please don't let your family bully you. They sound like they are massively deprioritising you. I hope that's not a pattern of behaviour.

Really like this post!! Completely true. You need to control the narrative here OP!

YANBU.

You had already made your family aware of the date and you have a longstanding commitment to being your friend's bridesmaid.

Your brother should have checked the date with his immediate family before booking, if it was so important to him that you were all able to be there.

Is it too late for him to change the date?

And dump on a friend who asked her first? Maybe she needs to tell her brother to change his date as he already knew the original one.

I agree.

Excellent suggestion.

You can add in how furious you are at them causing all this completely unnecessary drama.

Give your mother a lot of space after her threat.

Don't ever negotiate with terrorists!🙄