To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

[WeddingsChoice]

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
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My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

I would say go to your friends, your brother should have checked everyone he wanted at his wedding was free.

Do you want to keep family close that make threats like “we will cut you off and never see the grandkids again if you don’t jump to our every demand”? I wouldn’t want my kids near that toxicity tbh.

Friends wedding.

My sister's wedding was on the same day as my friend's wedding. The latter was booked before my sister's. I attended both. I was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding, which was in the morning and my friend's was in the afternoon. Would this be possible for your two weddings?

Only got engaged last week and has booked the wedding already? That's unusual. Also unusual to book your wedding date without discussing it with key relatives first, especially if you have a handy family calendar he could and should have checked.
I would tell your brother that you are already committed to the other wedding so if he wants you there, he's going to need to move his very freshly booked wedding date. He can't possibly have sent invites etc. out yet.

Your brother sounds like a cock, what if the shoe were on the other foot???

I put family high priority, but I would go with friend. Your friend asked you first and this is a prior commitment that was in your calendar. Brother and fiancé should pick another date - most couples would try to avoid big events (eg close relatives big birthdays, sibling’s important events - like graduation or if their siblings were in bridal party of other weddings).

You need to change the narrative. Even you are framing it as you needing to choose which wedding to go to, which doesn't make sense.

Why are you choosing the one date I can't do, DB? It's been in the family calendar for a year. You must have checked? Of course I desperately want to come to your wedding, and you say you'd like me there too. If you really do want me there, then you need to choose a date I can actually do. Any of the other 364 days next year...

Absolutely no allowing it to become a comparison of which wedding you'll choose, who you care about it more. You have an immovable, longstanding commitment which he knew about. Keep repeating 'but I can't do that date. You knew that, because it's in the family calendar'. If he wants you there, he needs to choose a date you can do. It's his problem to fix, not yours.

No.

Can't her brother read the family calendar ffs?

They should have checked it was ok with you. Can they change the date?

Agree with @nordicwannabe . Another way of looking at it is that your brother thinks it is more important to have his wedding on 1 particular day (as opposed to the 364 others) than to have his sister present. Saying it bluntly like that is probably not wise as it will wind people up, but it is another perspective.

Good manners dictate that the prior engagement stands. You do not have to choose as this choice has already been made.

Your DB (deliberately?) picked a date you could not do and it would be very rude to let your friend down. I agree with a PP that you should frame it as him choosing a date he knows you cannot do and ask him if he actually wants you there. His date has only just been fixed and can easily be moved whereas your friends probably can't. It's no loss of face for him to change it.

Your parents have no right to threaten you and you would be within your rights to tell them that they are being downright nasty for no good reason and that you don't have to make a choice as you have already agreed what you are doing that day. Your DB has the choice to move his date.

"the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG."
Your brother was aware you were not available on that date. So either he doesn't read the family calendar (his problem), he doesn't actually want you at his wedding (but you say you're usually close) or, he wants to flex his family power and demonstrate he's more important to the family than you. None of these three possibilities would make me drop my friend's wedding.

"My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go."
I don't respond well to threats. Your dad sounds a particular arsehole, who would cut you out of his life on a whim anyway, so he's no loss. Your mother, I'd be pointing out that she's cutting off her nose to spite her face. I might be telling them both that they're too late, I already will never forgive them for this fuckery (I really don't respond well to threats) and telling all three to swivel.

Usually I would say that family should come first on such occasions, but in this particular instance I think your brother and the rest of your family are being very unfair.
You have already agreed to be at your friend's wedding as a bridesmaid and for your daughter to be a flowergirl. In would feel awful telling such a loyal and loving friend her that you cannot now attend - and your daughter will be disappointed too.
Although you are no doubt a much-loved sister, you would not be playing a pivotal role at your brother's wedding and all the other members of your family will be attending.
If you truly believe that your family relationships would be irreparably damaged if you do not attend (and I think your parents' threat to withdraw child care is absolutely despicable) , then you might feel that it is too big a sacrifice to make - only you can decide. Perhaps your friend would understand your dilemma and your genuine disappointment, and accept that you cannot now attend.

My gut feeling, however, is that your family are being unreasonable putting such pressure on you when they had plenty of prior knowledge that you would be unavailable on that day.

Oh, and an afterthought. If you were to give in to your family's blackmail - what will they pressure you into next? What will they tell you they'd never forgive next? Giving in to blackmail just emboldens the blackmailer to push it that little bit further next time. That's why it's so important to stand firm.

You have to go to your brothers wedding. Friends come and go.

Exactly this.

No point in having a family calendar if your bro is too stupid to look at it.

Your family knows your friends wedding has been planned for some time; so they’re just going to have to suck it up; they’re being bloody nasty giving an ultimatum; they know your friend I’m guessing so they must know how close you are.
could your brother not change his date?
can you arrange to speak to him alone & try to appeal to his better nature, explain you love him but you’ve already promised your friend & tell him you’ve already brought dresses etc tell him you love her too she’s like a sister but etc x
Good luck x

This is so well put and true.

It sounds as if your dad holds very silly grudges. Your mum is also acting this way. It’s all terribly dysfunctional. You and your dd deserve better treatment.

You can’t pull out on your friends wedding now-it was booked first.
‘Sorry bro, this was booked months ago and I’m a bridesmaid, not just a guest.’

I'm extremely close to my family, so we all checked in with each other to confirm that our preferred wedding dates worked before booking anything. Your brother failed to do this and I think it's pretty awful your family didn't tell him this.

I don’t believe they’ve booked anything. They’ve picked the date they want without checking the availability of the important guests. If it were that important to them to have you there, they’d have checked you could come.

You’re honouring a long-standing commitment to be part of your close friend’s bridal party, and BIL/fiancé are being stubborn about a date for a pretty trivial reason.

If your parents are petty enough to cut ties with their only grandchild because BIL and fiancé think the family are wedding day props, rather than real people with lives , then that’s their lookout.

Why didn't he check the dates with you (or even check your family calendar as you say)? Can't he change the date? I think it is normal practice to check key people can make it before you set the date. He probably got caught up in the moment and forgot, but you are your friend's BM.

I would say to him how much it would mean to you to be there and could he change the date as you have already agreed to be a BM. How would he feel if his best man just pulled out? If he won't or can't change the date, then maybe you could attend your friend's ceremony and then your borther's wedding breakfast (if feasible) but I would not stress yourself doing something impossible if is not practical. It is your choice whose wedding you attend of course, but I think you are very much in your rights to go to your friends (if that is your choice) as she set the date first and you are a BM.

Blood is not necessarily thicker than water. Not everybody has a family who shows them love and respect and on whom they can rely.

Close relatives can come and go also, as this thread demonstrates. All the OP has done is say that she has a prior commitment, of which they were all aware, and she is being threatened with being "excommunicated" - so much for family eh.

Your brother really should have checked that calendar. I mean, what if the calendar showed a family member graduating on that day? There are some events that really could conflict w/ a wedding. If my sister were pregnant, I wouldn't schedule my wedding anywhere close to her due date, for example.

Blood is thicker than water. You go to your brothers wedding

The actual quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", which means precisely the opposite of how people use this expression.