To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

[WeddingsChoice]

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
.
My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

Your friends wedding was planned first and you’d already agreed to it. YANBU your brother is for not checking out the dates

You’ve committed to your friends wedding and she’s probably already purchased dresses etc. I’d tell your brother that since they’ve literally just got engaged it would be so easy for him to swap his wedding date… and let’s face it if he wanted you there so badly he would!
Also your parents using your daughter/childcare as emotional blackmail is absolutely appalling & I’d tell them so! If they want to never see their daughter and granddaughter again over a wedding (which was booked when you already have commitments) then that’s on them! What shitty parents and grandparents they are!!
Id be completely upfront and tell them all that while you’d obviously love to attend his wedding, your sister from another mister had booked hers and you are bridesmaids and it’s all arranged and paid for a whole year before his & you will not be letting her down.
suggest maybe he could tweak his wedding as nothing can be booked yet ?? Maybe the venue is provisionally booked but flowers/cakes/cars etc won’t be yet.

Your brother is being an arseington. I'd go to the friends one on principle. He could easily have checked the date with your parents or you and it's easy to change if you've only just got engaged.

Friends was booked a year ago, bridesmaids dresses likely purchased, daughter is a flower girl and they are like sisters…. Brother literally engaged last week so any bookings can easily be changed with no loss of money…. No way I’d let my friend down just to be a number at my brothers wedding…. I’ve never been a bridesmaid and would 100% put that and my daughter being one first!

well, I’d start looking at alternative childcare arrangements. Fuck them.

What an awful situation. I'd choose my friend though.
And the manipulation is shocking.

Just reading the title I was going to say go to your brother’s wedding but reading the details of the situation I completely changed my mind. I think you should go to your friend’s wedding and your family are being very unreasonable.

I say the friend. Your brother is being a dick. What if you’d booked a holiday would he expect you to cancel?

I think I'd tell my db he was being extremely unreasonable to get engaged and choose a wedding date where he knew you were going to a close friend's wedding. They have the option of changing it.

Another who says choose your friend! Your brother should have checked with you first. I bloody hate wedding politics.

This would be my reaction too.

This.
Your family are toxic.
Nasty vindictive bullies.
These types of 'families' ruin lives and they'll maintain that it's you whos the problem and in the wrong.......

I’d hate to be in this awkward position but if I was, girls friend’s wedding as bridesmaid( +FG) would win. Your family sound pretty shitty with the emotional blackmail. Bet they were very excited about it before brother put the cat among the pidgeons.

Honestly I would feel just as muddled as you seem to be. I'm sorry you're in this predicament, I gunning for your brother and wife to be to change the date

If he only got engaged last week how can he possibly have booked the same date already? It takes time to choose & visit venues etc.

I checked with my family for our date to make sure nothing clashed. I would hate for my sister to have to make this kind of decision over a friend and her sister, because I know that she sees some of her friends as sisters to. I would go to your friend's wedding tbh. You made the date available for him prior to their announcement.

Or you can choose friends, you are stuck with family.

Though people will be screaming family first at you… if I was in your position I would of done the same thing and followed through on my commitment to be in my friends wedding.

I consider my closest friends as family.

Your brother is not even having you or your DD in his wedding party!

Your parents trying to blackmail/manipulate you is extremely unfair and I would have that conversation with them.

If he was that concerned with having you there, he should of checked but unfortunately when it comes to weddings, people tend to get a little selfish and have tunnel vision

As your friends commitment was already in the family shared Calendar, and I presume all the family can see it, then I would go to your friends wedding.

I always honour those appointments/commitments that come first rather than those that come after (unless it’s a surgery date or an emergency)

go and enjoy yourself at your friends wedding.

Id go to the other wedding for sure
Your dd needs to be a flower girl once in her life
And it is totally worth falling out with your family over

sarcasm

Just curious about this "friends come and go" nonsense. My best mate has been my best mate for over 40 years now. She's basically family that I've chosen. How is that relationship less valuable than any other.

And in OPs case, where her family have demonstrated that they are inconsiderate at best and manipulative at worst, why would that mean trump a friendship that presumably offers support.

Family is important when you all support and love each other. But if that was the case here the OP wouldn't even have this issue.

Family is important when you all support and love each other. But if that was the case here the OP wouldn't even have this issue.

Indeed. I think these dilemmas are incredibly unsuitable for Internet advice. People can only superimpose their own relationships on the situation and it doesn't work.

You need to have a chat with your DB & DSIL ASAP. Don't leave it until the weekend

The longer you leave it, the more entrenched they will become on THAT date. They might have organised more stuff already.

Use the example of when you got married. I am sure you asked your nearest and dearest before picking a date.

Your dad: cuts people off for 'slights' that no reasonable person would find offensive

Your brother: books his wedding date even though he knows he's double-booking his sister's prior arrangement and then tries to order her to change her plans

Your mum: threatens to cut off childcare if you don't fall into line

Is your family that big a loss? They all sound a bit cunty to me.

Your brother obviously doesn't care about you, and your family are using toxic, manipulative tactics to let you know that your needs/wants are less important than his. I didn't go to my sister's wedding 25 years ago because she was is toxic and narcissistic and I have NEVER regretted it.

I wouldn't even try to juggle 2 weddings on one day. Speak up now, as he can easily change dates for anything he has booked in just 1 week. If you even mention juggle both to him, it won't work as he will probably demand 100% of your time on the day, even if you aren't in the wedding party.

It's even possible they picked this date on purpose, to ruin your chance of going to your friend's wedding.