To decline my brothers wedding due to another wedding?

[WeddingsChoice]

Both weddings are next year on the same date.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friends wedding and my DD (aged 8 currently will be 9 by the wedding(s)) to be a flowergirl last year after Lockdown 3. DD is excited, keeps telling everyone she’s going to be a FG. The friend is like a sister too me; we’re always helping each other out and she’s even introduced me to people as her other sister. She only has one FG (my DD) and 2 bridesmaids (me and her sister) so it will be noticeable if we’re not there
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My brother got engaged last week and told me the date of the wedding this morning the same date as my friends. I’ve told him I can’t make that date due to my friends wedding, the date has been on the shared family calender since last year when we were asked to be BM and FG. We’re not part of the wedding party at all for my brother but obviously my parents, grandparents and other family will be there and notice if we’re not.

My brothers told me he takes priority and I have to tell my friend we can no longer do her wedding. My parents have got involved and told me that I absolutely have to be at my brothers wedding and they will “never forgive me” or help me out with childcare again if I don’t go.

For context my brother and I are usually close, chat most days and I love him. But I also love my friend and she's been there for me at times my brother couldn't be (due to it being womens related/him working/my friend happening to be there when needed) I've also been by my friends side for important life events and she'd say so.

AIBU to choose my friend over my brother? Even though I will likely lose my entire family because of it.

So many reasons to check in w/ key family members before booking dates! If I knew my parents had planned a lifelong dream vacation, I wouldn't schedule my wedding during that time...I'm kinda flabbergasted that brother can just do whatever he wants and everyone has to drop everything and do what he wants on his timeframe.

Exactly as @Namenic and @nordicwannabe said. Your presence is so unimportant to your brother that he couldn’t even be bothered to check the calendar before choosing a date- either that, or he realised you couldn’t come but viewed your attendance as so unimportant he ploughed ahead regardless.

Agree that you have to stop framing this as you being on the spot facing an impossible decision, and start asking questions about why you and your child are being deliberately excluded.

'Etiquette is that you honour the commitment you made first.'

Yep.

You agreed to go to your friend's wedding first

Your brother knew you were busy on this date but went with it anyway

The way your brother and parents are treating you is really unfair

I think you go to your friend's wedding as you've already made that commitment

If it was the other way round I'd say go to your brother's but it isn't

What’s your relationship like with your brothers fiancé? Could you explain the situation to her and see if she’s willing to change the date.

Brother's everytime. You may be making future problems for yourself if you don't.

Your family should not be blackmailing you at all. It isn't your fault that your brother didn't check the date.
However, you have asked for opinions and I'll be honest there's absolutely no way I'd miss my sibling's wedding. I just couldn't.

It could equally said he’s making future problems for himself by refusing to change the date. If he we’re my brother I wouldn’t even consider fucking over a friend for an engagement of 1 week standing when the wedding’s not even booked.

Selfish men only win because women capitulate.

I’d usually say family comes first but your family sound like real dicks, so I’m not sure about that.

As your brother only got engaged last week, nothing can be set in stone. If he wants you there, he needs to change his date to one you can make. Friend whose wedding has been arranged for months / years gets priority, nothing to do with closeness of friendship / relation.

@frazzledasarock spot on with your comments

Is there a reason the fiancee wants that date? We got married on my younger brothers birthday (he had passed )and we wanted to honour him.

Difficult.
I once had the impossible choice of a close friend's funeral and my oldest friend's wedding on the same day 200 miles apart. We did the funeral in the day, skipped the wake, missed the wedding ceremony and arrived for the reception - and upset just about everyone I think 😢

If my parents tried to manipulate me by threatening to no longer see me or my children again I’d tell them to jog on. If they would genuinely disown you over this then fuck them!
In terms of the actual issue it’s a really hard one but I think I’d go to the friends. Is sounds pretty 50/50 and you said yes to her first.

The date for your friends wedding was already set and you’d already agreed to be bridesmaid and flower girl. It would be shitty to pull out now because you’ve been invited to another wedding.

It’s a tough situation. But your family shouldn’t be giving you ultimatums, that isn’t fair.

No, it’s your family who ABU, it’s not fair to pull out when u and DD are part of the bridal party

From your title I thought you were being unreasonable, but then changed my mind once I read your post. I'd make those reasons crystal clear, that it is a very close friend, you are one of two bridesmaids, that it has been booked for so long and that it was on your family calendar.

As @nordicwannabe said, you need to be absolutely clear your commitment is not negotiable and if they want you there they will have to to pick a date you and DD are available to attend. Unfortunately you didn’t do that yet and they are bringing out manipulation tactics, but please don’t give into them.

Why that date specifically, does it have a special significance for her or does she just fancy it for the sake of it?

It’s up to her, in that case. Either she changes it to a date you’re available or keeps it on this date which you’ve already informed everyone you can’t do. Her choice.

Genuinely wondering if all the people saying "you have to go to your brother's wedding, family first, can't believe you would even consider otherwise" have actually read the OP's post or just the thread title

Surely if he only got engaged last week they can change the date of their wedding! I’m sorry your family are putting so much pressure on you. You are between a rock and a hard place. 💐

That’s rather tough for your brother isn’t it? He should have checked… and he could easily move his wedding he just doesn’t want to.

As he can't he change his as they've nothing booked and he knows you are already busy. X

Could it have been intentional on the fiancé’s part?

This is so dumb.