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Original poster

Working mothers can't have it all?

597 replies

Unicornhat · 21/09/2022 12:27

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

OP posts:
Drywhitefruitycidergin · 21/09/2022 18:33

If you are a senior manager can you influence a culture that doesn’t expect and rely on associates to be working all hours to progress or facilitate a flexible working culture so that you can do admin/emails/ non-contact work after bedtime?

Captinplanit · 21/09/2022 18:34

@youarntaguest If you’re talking about firsts then no, I had long maternity leaves.

You don’t need to be with your children 24/7 to not miss out. Personally I spend very little (no) time away from my kids outside of work. I take them to activities, I read with them every night, I eat meals with them. To be honest, I’m a lot more present with them when I am with them than a lot of other parents I observe. I think working makes me more grateful for that time.

You still haven’t answered my question about why it’s ok for Dad’s to go to work but not Mums.

EgonSpengler2020 · 21/09/2022 18:35

Remember State pension age is 68, even with good financial planning "early retirement" for our generation is unlikely to be much before 60.

How long have you been working so far? You will have (too) MANY years to continue/rebuild your career. Do what is right for you now, enjoy your little one, and enjoy your next DC, if you are fortunate enough to have one.

LetMeSpeak · 21/09/2022 18:35

youarntaguest · 21/09/2022 17:57

I think people would be more likely to regret missing a lot of the first few years of their child's life

Show quote history

Here we go with guilt tripping hard working mums.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/09/2022 18:36

Irks me no end that the phrase 'have it all' is used exclusively about women. Never, ever, men.

TartanGirl1 · 21/09/2022 18:37

What does having it all mean? What is all?

Can men have it all?

853ax · 21/09/2022 18:42

Do you have a team? Can you delegate ?
Think you get to a stage where you have to build good people around you, junior team members who have time, energy to think about work in evenings ect. Your job then more to mentor them, help develop them. Same end game in output but not all being done by you.
What happened when you were on maternity leave with work?

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 18:56

Topgub · 21/09/2022 18:25

@3WildOnes

That's like saying you think you should be ableto eat meat when you're vegan

Yes thats what having it all feels like to me!
I feel like I have as close to having it all as I possibly could. I work part time in a job that I really enjoy. I still wish I could spend more time with my children and that I could have a slightly better career and more money. But i feel that I have the balance the best for me.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:00

@3WildOnes

To me having it all means having a bit of everything.

Not doing the impossible

Thereisnolight · 21/09/2022 19:01

TartanGirl1 · 21/09/2022 18:37

What does having it all mean? What is all?

Can men have it all?

Why, in any conversation about what women want, do so many people keep saying “what about the men”?

What about the men? Can some women not decide for themselves what they’d like to do (work more and see less of the DC vs work less and see more of the DC) without having to see first what the men are doing?

The only thing to check with them is whether they’re ok with being the sole earner. If not, you’ll have to chip in and do a bit of earning. Beyond that, how much you actually work is up to you. We’re all different so the ideal number of hours of work vs DC will differ from person to person.

And you certainly don’t need some random woman telling you that her choice is the right one for all women.

Make your own choices ladies!

SleeplessInEngland · 21/09/2022 19:04

Can working dads have it all?

Not ones with similarly demanding careers, no. If feel like a lot new dads are waking up to that, thankfully, and career planning accordingly.

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 19:04

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:00

@3WildOnes

To me having it all means having a bit of everything.

Not doing the impossible

And if having a bit of everything feels enough then you feel like you have it all. For those of us who having a bit of everything doesn't feel enough, then having it all feels (and is!) Impossible.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:04

@Thereisnolight

I think your (deliberately) missing the point. No one is saying ask their permission. They're saying ask why men aren't judged in the same way

The irony of then saying just check they're OK with being geese earner like that's the bloody default.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:05

@3WildOnes

Because you're deliberately making it impossible

Captinplanit · 21/09/2022 19:07

@Thereisnolight

I don’t care about who works and how much. Although I do think a lot of men are told they will be the sole earner while the children are little and then it doesn’t pan out like that when 5 years later DW doesn’t want to/can’t get a job.

I care if women are judging other women for working full time while not judging men.

Why is it ok for them and not us?

Thereisnolight · 21/09/2022 19:11

Captinplanit · 21/09/2022 19:07

@Thereisnolight

I don’t care about who works and how much. Although I do think a lot of men are told they will be the sole earner while the children are little and then it doesn’t pan out like that when 5 years later DW doesn’t want to/can’t get a job.

I care if women are judging other women for working full time while not judging men.

Why is it ok for them and not us?

The thread was started to talk about mothers.

So tiresome that some people always crane their necks to check what the men are doing.

Thereisnolight · 21/09/2022 19:17

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:04

@Thereisnolight

I think your (deliberately) missing the point. No one is saying ask their permission. They're saying ask why men aren't judged in the same way

The irony of then saying just check they're OK with being geese earner like that's the bloody default.

I never asked about judging men.

Why do you care how men are judged? Why do you care who judges you? Do people judge women for altering their work hours around their family? Some might, but I suspect most couldn’t give a crap.

Just do what suits you and your family without having to check what people think about you (they’re probably not thinking about you at all) and then also having to check what people think about men.

caroleanboneparte · 21/09/2022 19:19

Do what men do- outsource or get a wife Grin

124scones · 21/09/2022 19:23

Topgub - "What a weird view, that women only work to avoid being crap sahms"

Er no. Not at all what I said.

I said if you know you are not cut out to be a SAHM or a SAHD then fgs don't do it. The kids would be better off with a paid person in the day than a parent who doesn't want to be there.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:23

@Thereisnolight

Ah c'mon.

There's no way you dont see the implied judgement in saying women can't have it all or be unaware that men rarely fave the same judgement.

And, no, I don't care what people think. Doesn't mean they're not thinking it

See the multiple comments on this thread about the poor abandoned children

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:25

@124scones

What defines being cut out for it?

I could do it. It would certainly be easier.

I'm still not going to. Its certainly never been an ideal I think I'm missing out on

124scones · 21/09/2022 19:26

Well if you don't understand the point of something TopGub, you are better off not doing it . And so are your kids.

TartanGirl1 · 21/09/2022 19:30

It's a very important question @Thereisnolight.

Having it all is a stick used to batter mums over the head with all the time to guilt them about their choices. Men are not held to the same standard.

Discovereads · 21/09/2022 19:31

@Captinplanit
I care if women are judging other women for working full time while not judging men. Why is it ok for them and not us?

Well said 👏

gogohmm · 21/09/2022 19:33

@Topgub

Something has to give - women can have good careers and their male partner takes a back seat. Whether both can have good careers without the kids suffering and/or buying in lots of household help/relying on grandparents is debatable