Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

"Having it all" means different things to different people. Some people are quite happy to just see their kids for an hour in the morning and an hour at night and they think this is fantastic. Others are ridden with guilt to the extent they don't want to work at all. In general, women feel a lot more guilt than men because... well, they just do. As illustrated by these threads.

OP, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does - if something isn't working for you, change it. Life is too short.

YANBU to ask this. I believe the answer lies in being strategic in your career planning from the get go.

Choose the right field and research your earning potential in that field, then focus on progression and salary increases as part of your career.

Aim for a high salary so you can outsource all the drudge work that is required for a home to run.

Once your joint earnings reach the tipping point of affording cleaning/housekeeping/gardening etc and freeing up your evenings and weekends, you'll feel like you've got it all. Just like a working Dad.

I think people would be more likely to regret missing a lot of the first few years of their child's life

But for me thats pretty much what it would mean.
Having a great career and eaning well.
Getting to spend spend lots of time with my children.
Having lots of spare tin to spends with my husband, friends and family.
I would love to be able to have all of those things...but I can't!

@youarntaguest I worked full time from the time my youngest was 2. I had to as my husband had a breakdown and we had a mortgage to pay. Not sure if that’s an acceptable reason for a Mother to miss out on her child’s life?

As it happened it worked out very well and I can tell you that I haven’t missed a thing! What my daughter’s do have is an excellent career role model and parents who are equals in all aspects of their lives.

I took time out and don't regret it for a moment.
Nothing in life will be more important than my children and I may not even like them when they're older.

However...something has to give when you have DC?
Usually from mn threads it seems like the it's the baby who does all the ficin

Giving?

@PaperTyger Presuming your husband worked long hours to facilitate you being at home, I guess that means that he thinks work is more important than your children then?

Why is it ok for him and not you?

You know that people who work don't miss the first years of their child's life right?. And surprisingly working dads don't constantly get told they've entirely missed their childrens's lives. It's the sort of shitty melodramatic rhetoric that makes women feel like failures if they don't spend 24/7 with their kids. ,

Captain no, I wouldn't, presume, anything.

Quite. And finding an employer who is willing to faciliate a work life balance.

That's rubbish.

@youarntaguest what's rubbish?

I would really love one of the people who has said one of the passive aggressive ‘you’ll never get this time back’ = I love my kids more than you comments to explain why it’s ok for Dad to work full time and not Mum.

Without sounding like a Stepford Wife ideally.

@PaperTyger Ok so why is it ok for him to work, presumably full time unless you’re in a different league financially, in which case you’re not really relevant to the thread?

But not ok for you to because you will be missing the time with your children? Why is it that you need to be there and not him?

Unless you have some magic power that lets you be in two places at a time then you do miss out on your baby I've done it myself and I do regret it so I don't think you have any right to tell me otherwise

@3WildOnes

That's like saying you think you should be ableto eat meat when you're vegan

Right, so how many hours are you allowed to be apart in order to not miss their lives? If it is under 6 hours, do we miss the entire lives of our school age children? If 6 hours apart is ok, why isn't 7 or 8? What about the hours they spend sleeping? I mean my child got up at 5 am, and napped only max 2 hrs a day comobined, someone who's baby is a sound sleeper and only wakes up at 8 and naps for 3 hrs during the day, does that mean that the 5 hours they spend sleep = missing their lives?

I'm sorry you feel like you missed out and regret your choices, but working does - factually - not mean missing out on your children's lives.

Captinplanit - It's ok for dad to work and not mum if dad actually wants to work and he knows full well he is not the type to SAH, however, the mum is and feels totally differently. This is obvious.

Clearly, many women would rather be at work as they find bring with their kids all the time boring or 'Lynette 'can't see the point.' If so, better to admit that because if you find it boring you would be a crap SAHM anyway, so just as well you're not.

Same with dads. If they're not cut out for it, don't do it. The kids would be better with someone who sees the point and enjoys it.

@youarntaguest

I didnt miss out on my baby.

I still spent plenty time with them

So did their dad.

If you feel you missed out thats a shame but it's not true for everyone.

@PaperTyger

Seems its the babies giving what?

Are you saying working harms them?

You havnt missed a thing ? So were you split in half then

Again, how much is ok to miss. What if you leave the room? Do you have to be with your baby, literally 24/7 to not "miss out on thier lives"? I'm so curious what you feel is the threshhold to not have missed their lives.

IMO you can’t have it all without feeling crippling guilt and having an emotional breakdown …I’m trying to have it all and I am losing my hair and sanity. All
employers tell you they are flexible, for the first five minutes, school have way too many holidays and staggered start of term times (- just in case you think you are getting your routine back after summer) . Nope - I declare it’s impossible.

@124scones

Or you can be a good parent and work?

What a weird view, that women only work to avoid being crap sahms

I don't want it all but I value the time I get away from my children and get to go to work. If I were a SAHM my children would suffer because I know I'd be frustrated and bored.