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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Working mothers can't have it all?

597 replies

Unicornhat · 21/09/2022 12:27

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

OP posts:

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:39

@124scones

The point in being a sahp?

No.

I don't see the point in it.

Doesn't mean I'd be incapable.

Its not like its achieving anything I'm not currently

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:42

@gogohmm

What's wrong with relying on grandparents or having outside help?

Myself and dh have good careers and had no help at all in the preschool years.

My kids survived unscathed. It's a miracle eh?

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 19:46

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:05

@3WildOnes

Because you're deliberately making it impossible

What?! How am I making it impossible. I cant magic up more time to spend with my kids or more time to work. If you are happy to spend only a few hours a day in the week with your children or you are happy not to have a career then of course you feel like you can have it all.

124scones · 21/09/2022 19:47

Tiopgub - If you don't see the point in being a SAHM, your kids would definitely pick up on that. So you wouldn't be doing a very good job and arguably, your kids would be better off with someone else instead in that time you deem of 'no value' to you.

Just like, if I was working as an accountant and didn't see the point of it, I'd probably not be doing a very good job and the company would be better off with someone who actually valued the job.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:49

@124scones

Nah

Folk coast in jobs and as parents all the time and they do just fine.

Being a sahm fulfills the mothers need not the kids.

You dont have to be a sahp to ge a good or even a great parent

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:51

@3WildOnes

Because 'only a few hours' in the week is fine.

Almost every parent of kids over the age of 4 do it

So of course they're happy with it. Its not a negative like you're implying

Presumably you home school?

124scones · 21/09/2022 19:53

You can be a good parent if you work Topgub Nobody is disputing that.

But if you don't understand the value in being a SAHP, then that speaks for itself. You would be crap at it and your kids would sense you'd rather be elsewhere - so don't do it. Go to work and get some money instead..

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:59

@124scones

As I said, I absolutely wouldn't be crap at it because I'm not a crap parent.

A sahp is just a parent for a few extra hours than a wp is.

They're not doing anything 'extra' or better.

But rest assured I have no intention of ever being a sahp.

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 20:07

Topgub · 21/09/2022 19:51

@3WildOnes

Because 'only a few hours' in the week is fine.

Almost every parent of kids over the age of 4 do it

So of course they're happy with it. Its not a negative like you're implying

Presumably you home school?

It's fine for you. For lots of us 1,2 or 3 hrs wouldn't be enough time 5 nights a week. Just like being a sahm or working very part time wouldn't be enough for you career wise. It is OK that we are all different!

I know very few families where both parents work full time. So I am not sure that almost every parent does.

I dont homeschooling no. Seei g my school aged children in the mornings and again between 3pm and 7pm is fantastic. On the days that I go into work I am lucky if I see them for an hour.

124scones · 21/09/2022 20:07

If you work 9-5, you might leave the house at 8am and return at 6pm. So, with a young child who gets up at 7am and goes to bed at 7pm you see them for 2.5 hours per day.

A SAHM in that type of scenario would see the child for 12 hours per day.

That is a very significant difference and quite a lot 'extra.' It's basically the difference of the child's whole waking day! You can't possibly cram the influence / experience you have with them and they have with you during the course of a 12 hour day into 2 hours at either end of that day.

Could you cram a 12 hour shift into 2 hours? I doubt it.

124scones · 21/09/2022 20:09

That was to Topgub.

By the way Toogub - who is asking you to be a SAHM? What are you worrying about?

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:13

@124scones

So you do think sahms are better parents?

Interesting.

You keep telling me I shouldn't be one, I was just saying I never intend to

124scones · 21/09/2022 20:15

It doesn't sound like you could afford to be a SAHM anyway so it's a non-issue. Lucky escape for you and for your kids.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:16

@3WildOnes

School, clubs time with friends.

I reckon most parents working or not only see their school age kids for a few hours in the week.

God help you when they hit the teen years

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:16

@124scones

That's an interesting presumption.

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 20:22

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:16

@3WildOnes

School, clubs time with friends.

I reckon most parents working or not only see their school age kids for a few hours in the week.

God help you when they hit the teen years

One of mine is a teen! I know that he really appreciates the days that I am home when he finishes school. We have a cup of tea and catch up. It is time we both cherish.

I see my children considerably more on the days that I don't work than on the days that I do. I wish I could see them more on the days that I do work and I don't want to give up any of the time that I do have with them. That would be having less, for me.

124scones · 21/09/2022 20:23

It's not a presumption. You are very recognisable on MN every day going in about SAHMs. You must dream about SAHMs. And you have often said your husband earns less than you. You are quite obvious because you commandeer other people's threads and make them about you and why you are not a SAHM.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:28

@124scones

I didnt bring up sahms

You did

My oh earning less than me doesn't mean I couldn't afford to be a sahm. It just means he earns less than me.

This thread was about wm but as usual the sahms can't cope with the idea that some women aren't wracked with guilt that they're not sahms or can't resist the opportunity to tell everyone how they couldn't possibly be apart from their precious child for even a second.

If you don't like my posts scroll on by.

Suzi888 · 21/09/2022 20:30

IncompleteSenten · 21/09/2022 12:35

Nobody can "have it all". There are things you gain and things you lose in every situation.

^ This

Something has to give.

124scones · 21/09/2022 20:31

You bring SAHMs into everything Topgub. It's entertaining though, so don't let me stop you.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:34

@124scones

No I don't

You're just all butt hurt cause your attempt at passive aggressive goading failed.

So now you're trying the posting style attack.

Its all very familiar and yawn inducing.

But im here all night so happy to entertain

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:35

@3WildOnes

Yeah I just dont agree with your definition

It very much reads like you think the ideal is being a sahm and because you don't do that you think you can't have it all.

Guess it really depends on what you think the ideal is.

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 20:39

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:35

@3WildOnes

Yeah I just dont agree with your definition

It very much reads like you think the ideal is being a sahm and because you don't do that you think you can't have it all.

Guess it really depends on what you think the ideal is.

You're projecting.

No where have I said that I think the ideal is to be a SAHM. I quite clearly said that for me the best balance I have found is working part time. I could and have been a SAHM. I would love to have the big career but for me it is not worth the sacrifices.

124scones · 21/09/2022 20:40

"But im here all night so happy to entertain"

May I thank you on behalf of MN.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 20:42

@3WildOnes

No, not projecting

Just reading what you've written which is all about how you regret any time away from them, you'd rather spend more time with them etc

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