Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

@EmptyHouse0822

Preschool it would depend on the shift pattern

If I wasn't back out that night, I didnt.

If I was, I slept in the day and dh had them.

Anything else?

So night shifts on a rota with young children? Look I’m impressed- when did you sleep? Weren’t you knackered?

But offer that job - a shift job with night rotas to most Mum’s with young children and it just wouldn’t be doable (let alone be having it all)).

I just asked me husband if he thinks he “has it all” and he said he thinks he does. He’s got a good job, nice wage and he’s home by 5pm at the absolute latest. He’s got a pretty nice work/life balance really.

I only asked because your messages come across as though either you or their father, or both, have jobs that allow for flexibility which meant your children were always being looked after by either of you? Or if not you had grandparents on hand to help?

@Delatron

My staff are made up almost exclusively of mothers. It suits them all fine.

Its not for you to decide they don't have it all cause you couldn't do it.

🤷‍♀️

@EmptyHouse0822

All of the above at various points.

So?

@Topgub I wouldn’t have had a DH at home to look after the kids or grandparents round the corner to pick up the slack when they went to school. So no I couldn’t have done it.
Your set up has worked as you’ve had lots of help.

Working nights would have a huge health impact - it’s really not for everyone.

@Delatron Three of my SILs and a neighbour worked like that with young children. They didn't really sleep until the children were over 6 and could entertain themselves a lot more in the day at home.

My SILs got better paid jobs with more reasonable hours from when their children were 9+ as they then had sufficient experience to get those jobs from working their shit hours.

Nothing really. It’s just you had a very different set-up to what most working parents have which is why you could have it all whereas many mothers can’t.

I absolutely believe that you have it all, I don’t doubt anyone who believes they have it all.

Everyone’s version of “having it all” is very different.

People like yourself, who feel that all their life goals are met obviously exist, but you’re definitely the minority.

I think you were very fortunate to have the set up you did which enabled you to work full time, still spend a lot of time with the children and not need to use childcare as I imagine many women would give anything to have that.

@Delatron

My oh parenting his kids the same as me wasn't help.

@RedWingBoots Yes my Mum did it. So she didn’t have to pay for childcare she worked nights. But if I’d have asked her if she had it all she may have hit me!! She was exhausted.

@EmptyHouse0822

So, as predicted we're back to well, well, well, maybe you have it all but you don't count!!

You did xyz that I chose not to or don't like so no. You didn't have it all.

So tiresome

@Topgub Well he had a job where he could be at home most of the day and you both worked round that? Which is a great set up but quite unusual.

It is possible, but I believe you need 2 things for it to work.

1. A supportive partner who does their share. It sounds as though you have this.

2. To be working for the right company. I worked for a company where the expectation was to be in the office everyday and long hours were expected, everyone was given an unrealistic amount of work that couldn't be completed in the normal hours. I left, I now work in a similar role with a similar salary and bonus, but the workload is manageable because the company ensures staffing levels are correct. I can now work from home 2/3 days a week, I think since covid this is standard for the role I do. My DD's are older now, however people in my team with children are able to take time out during the day for school runs, etc and then complete the work later, this obviously depends on the role you do.

Have I missed something?!

The thread is about mothers it's like saying white lives matter

"Why are mothers and fathers held to different standards?"

Probably because they are different?

@Delatron

Indeed he did.

But he wasn't helping me.

He was parenting his children

@EmptyHouse0822

Clearly.

@Delatron

You did, in fact, say exactly what I said:

"I hate the phrase ‘have it all’ what does it even mean? That’s what I have issue with. And then the judgement from some posters if women don’t want to juggle and do want to actually see their kids a bit when they’re young. I missed a big part of my children’s childhood around the baby- toddler years purely because I was sold in to this idea of ‘having it all’. It really is individual but doesn’t necessarily mean working full time.."

I didn't misquote you at all.

Anyway, if 86% of women don't think it's possible, all the more reason to shout from the roof tops that is can be. Employer's aren't going to change out of the goodness of their hearts, we need to demand it. And that is only going to come from believing we have a right to work and be mothers - at the same time. Let's not sell ourselves short.

@subtitle in what way? Do tell?

What is different about them once you recover from birth and stop breastfeeding?

@outtheshowernow no it really really isn't 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Topgub He had a job that was similar to yours? Which allowed him to stay at home and look after the children whilst you slept and vice versa?
Now I’m all for 50:50 parenting and that set up seems ideal. But how many men can be at home with young children not working in the day? Even if you insist on 50:50 parenting, if the DH needs to go to an office to work that’s your night shifts out of the window.
You must appreciate how unique your situation is. And all this ‘I make him parent equally’ works because he had a job on a shift rota too.

@mumto2teenagers

Isn't it depressing those to things aren't standard?

To the extent that have a oh who actually parents their kids is viewed as unique and 'helping'