Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

@Delatron

He didn't have a job on shift rota.

I never said that.

He is self employed

But he could be at home not working and looking after young children regularly whilst you slept. That’s the dream!

In what way are men and women different?

Do you find many men on internet threads worried that they are experiencing separation anxiety from their babies? Does it make them anxious and depressed? No, because they experience the whole thing differently. And that's only partly down to socialisation, in my opinion.

You can have it all, just not all at the same time. I say this as I do zoom call with my 3.5 DS asleep on the bed behind me, having eaten everyone of my meals today at my desk!!! What does help is a supportive flexible partner, WFH and buying in help ( housekeeper).
The more senior you are the more autonomy and spare cash to throw money at everything else.

@Delatron

And even while I worked!

Miracle eh?

@Topgub I would say a DH that can stay at home and look after young children is quite rare. And obviously in those circumstances it’s very easy for the woman to work and not a juggle at all.

Sorry but the reason you don’t get men on internet boards worrying about separation anxiety from their kids is because they know there is a woman who can do that for them.

Plenty of men miss their children while they are working and want to spend time with them but it doesn’t cross their minds to feel guilty about it or think it’s unnatural or impossible because they haven’t been repeatedly told that it’s their sole responsibility to be with them.

They rationalise and compartmentalise it as long as they know the child is safe, happy and well cared for. Which is exactly what women should do.

@Delatron

Bingo.

I think you're mixing up can with wants to.

@Thepeopleversuswork no other man would tell them they can't have it all!

No one would say they can't prioritise their kids and work full time.

@TartanGirl1

exactly. Which is why we need to stop using this awful phrase.

@gwenneh please enlighten us. If you work regular hours full time, say you finish at 5? Who picks kids up? Who cooks? When do you cook? What about kids activities?

Actually just noted several people have said they work full time and see plenty of their kids - please elaborate how you get all the things involved in running a household and family done so I can get ideas for improvement

"They rationalise and compartmentalise it as long as they know the child is safe, happy and well cared for. Which is exactly what women should do."

What women SHOULD do. There we have it. Why are you conditioned to think women should strive to think, feel and behave like men and there's something wrong with them if not? Is that because you swallowed the misogyny that any emotions attributed to women and their children are lesser, or to be disparaged?

@subtitle

Do you know what misogyny means?

I am pointing out that there is no reason whatsoever why a woman should feel guilty about working to support her family when a man doesn’t.

Can you explain why you think a woman who works should feel guilty and a man shouldn’t? Because to me that sounds a lot closer to misogyny than anything I have said.

I don't finish at 5. I finish at 4, sometimes earlier, depending on what time I get to the office (usually between 7-7:30.) DH does the school run as he WFH. We're all home by 4:30, which is when I start dinner.
Activities, usually DH will take anyone where they need to go in the evenings and I stay home with everyone else.

I work 4 days a week and half a toddler, it is tough.

@chopc

Could you not just read the thread?

Thepeopleversuswork - Yes I know what misogyny is. Why are you telling women they need to "compartmentalise their feelings" like men do? Why the hell should they? Next you'll be telling women they are hysterical.

I picked a company that allows for working from home, and am senior enough to give me autonomy over my own work times most of the time. I outsource cleaning, and the rest we do between us. A robot hoover helps. Becasue we both have fairly senior jobs we have enough money to not have to worry about getting a take away, or picking up something convenient, if there's not been a chance to cook. I plan activities so they are - mostly - linked to school (so double as childcare) or at times when DH can share the ferrying about (he works away from the home). I don't need to "run the household", I am not even sure what that means.

Tbh, the biggest factor is working from home and being able to manage my own schedule. But I've not landed here by fluke, I was intentional in my career path and the type of company I chose to work for. It's not always easy, sometimes I need to travel, and sometimes things are mad and it doesn't all tick over. But those are very much the exception rather than the rule.

I think you're missing my point. I'm asking why guilt associated with not looking after children personally should fall only to women? Why is it that no one expects men to feel conflicted and guilty when they are not with their children?

Oh, and when I - for whatever reason - can't do what I normally do, DH does it. He knows he is getting a good deal with me wfh and therefore being able to do the lions share without issue, and he values and respects my job (I earn almost double what he earns), so will of course step in if I can't do it.

Being senior enough to be able to work from home as much as possible
Flexible hours
Good childcare and a cleaner
Good planning
Having my DC at a close school
Not overly sweating the small stuff

Clearly not everyone can do the first three on this list. But its not beyond the realms of possibility.

@subtitle doesn't it ever occur to you that if women feel like that it's more often than not because the alternative is childcare? And for men it's more often than not the mother.
I wouldn't have enjoyed leaving my babies young (before a year) as they were going into childcare. Had the alternative been leaving them with DH, another loving parent, I would have felt a lot different. Not because childcare is bad, but because it obviously isn't the same as a parent.

OP, it sounds like your current role is not making you happy, it is horrible doing a full time role that you would rather not be doing, it is horrible. So I hope you find something that makes you happy, life's too short.

As others have said, not all, but the majority of people can't have it all at the same time, they have had to sacrifice something along the way, and those sacrifices can change along the way.
If you are in this majority, It's just what your willing or able to sacrifice.

It's not that you can't juggle like others can, so don't put this on you, it think it can be really tough being a full time working mum. You need a great support network that you can rely on, in a-lot of cases that's for childcare, someone great who you can rely on to look after your child while you work (nursery, childminder, clubs, activities) and a husband/partner who does what he should at home. How does he feel about the SAH option or swapping jobs ?

I think in a lot of industries it can be hard to get back in at the top once you step out of that for a few years, so if you chose to work less in a different industry, you would have to do so knowing you may not be able to get back in.
Although I think many middle/lower management roles are easier to get back into, if you keep up your industry knowledge and training, so it would depend on what role you are looking to get back into if you don't like senior management anyway.

Ultimately The bottom line is you need to do what works for you and your family and feel no guilt. If you need to reduce your hours for a bit and you can afford to, your partner is happy for you do so, providing you are aware of all the downfalls to that, do it.
I never regretted stepping away from a higher paid role, I didn't miss the mental load of taking your job home with me and it being a bit all consuming, but that was my role I'm not sure if yours feel like that for you. We could afford for me to do that, I don't regret it at all.
But, everyone is different, so weigh up all pros and cons, if your worst case scenario for your situation appeared, would you still be happy.

I presume most men feel like I do.

Really OK with leaving them, knowing they're well looked after.

Not a bit of guilt or regret.

Dh took them out on his own from a few days old. Why wouldnt he?