Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

@EmptyHouse0822

Pretty much yeah.

I work/worked 3 weeks of 3 and one week of 4 12 hour shifts.

Its absolutely fine. Great even.

It means you have 4 full days at least at home.

You seem to be implying full time is 7 12 hours. Its not.

Balance is actual balance? Not the vast majority at home or at work. But as equal as possible between the 2.

You can not possible believe that prioritising your children is working full time are you trying to kid yourself aswell as us ?

Sorry, I’m not sure if you work at all but there are flexible jobs, ones that allow some WFH, good work life balance. I have one.

I’m a nurse so definitely no WFH option unfortunately.

Also what @Rightmoveanon said

@EmptyHouse0822 You might not be able to get the balance in your current role. Some roles/ employers just aren't open to it. That doesn't mean it's not possible, just that you might not get exactly what you want where you are now.

It might also mean challenging a no, thinking of a different avenue, finding a different way to progress.

I am part time (32hrs vs 37.5 full time, compressed so work 4 days). We didn't "do" part time in my department, but I made a compelling business case as to how it would work and I made sure it did work. I will likely go full time soon, mainly because I have just had a promotion which means it's awkward to be unavailable a set day consistently and I want to be paid for my time, but as I wfh and have good autonomy I plan to continue being available for my kids.

it's not always easy to get there, but just because it's not easy doesn't mean it's not possible.

@Topgub

But if both parents have jobs where they are unable to be home before 7.30 then neither parent sees the children in the week. And not many would be happy with that.

Now I get what you are saying. In my industry there were a few (successful) women who married men with let’s say much more flexible (lower status) jobs - they could be at home with the kids more - women could work all hours. This was deliberate. They chose the man based on the fact he wouldn’t threaten her career.

But alas that wasn’t something I considered.

@outtheshowernow

Will you be the first poster to answer this I wonder - how many hours do you have to spend with children to prove you a prioritising them?

@EmptyHouse0822

Having read your updates I think you are doing amazing as you are.

In spite of the tone of my posts I have no issue with people working part time!

I only took offence to the insinuation that those working full time were not prioritising their children.

@Delatron

I didnt choose my oh based on him not threatening my career

I chose to have children with him (amongst other things) based on the fact I expected him to parent them equally.

And, to add, it's a result of shitty gender stereotyping and presenteeism that people don't progress on part time. It's simply untrue that people have to be physically in a work place 60 hrs a week to be successful. We should be judged based on our work output, not the hours we are there.

@outtheshowernow

Can you explain why its not?

We role model shared / equal parenting

We provide their lifestyle.

Spend quality time with them

They get time with other family and friends, clubs etc

Where is the lack of priority?

Will you be the first poster to answer this I wonder - how many hours do you have to spend with children to prove you a prioritising them?

Excellent question!

And that’s great that you didn’t mind doing long shifts, but that doesn’t mean everyone else does.

I used to do long shifts (13 hour shifts) three days a week when I went back to work after my first son but I hated it and I missed him.

After my second son I went down to two long shifts a week which although was obviously better I still found it hard not seeing my children two days a week.

The role I have now is much more family friendly in that I’m home 4 days a week and on the days that I do work, I work hours that allow for me to see my children for over 2 hours in the morning before school and then another 2.5 hours before they go to bed. I would still like more time with them in the evenings but like you said, I still get 4 days a week where I’m home every evening so it makes it more bearable.

The huge majority of the nurses I work with who have young children do not work full time hours because the shift work can be so incompatible with family life once there are little children on the scene.

Thanks. It's probably the 5th time I've asked it on this thread. Oddly none of the posters claiming that people who work don't really love their children wany to actually answer it.

@outtheshowernow

Presume that was aimed at me?

My children will likely have to work full time their entire lives, they won’t be able to afford houses, possibly children. The world is fucked. The country is fucked.

Me working full time means that we are in a much better financial position, I am saving for their future and I am showing them that DH and I are equals and that they and any future partners can also be equals.

I am also in the position where I have pushed and pushed to make my job fit in with the kids. I drop off at school (breakfast club, not sure if I’ll be judged for that?) every day. I pick up 1-2 times. DH does the other pick ups. Our kids and their future are the priority for both of us.

@Topgub and that’s great. But our parenting equally looked like this : both getting home no earlier than 7.30 due to the nature of our jobs.
In my industry one woman was finally allowed to leave on a Friday at 4pm to pick up her kids after years of asking.

I agree, those that have the best set up are where it’s 50:50 but both jobs need to be flexible. Not many can have that ideal arrangement.

And 12 hour shifts do not sound like having it all to me.

@EmptyHouse0822

So we're back to you basically saying that unless you're at home almost full time you can't have it all.

I completely disagree.

It might not be what you want but that's not the same as impossible for everyone.

The long shifts work absolutely fine for us as a family. When they were pre school it meant no external childcare.

I should be doing mon to Thurs in my current role but its not possible at the moment and I'm liking being back on the shifts.

My kids are fully prioritised.

@Delatron

Yup.

Not easy for everyone.

Again. Never said it was.

Pushing back against sexist expectations and over worked culture is a start

@Delatron what industry do you work in? When you say industry do you mean workplace?

I don’t think anyone is saying being at home full time is having it all either.

I'd also change this

The huge majority of the nurses I work with who have young children do not work full time hours because the shift work can be so incompatible with family life once there are little children on the scene.

To most of the women dont work full time because they prioritise their ohs career under the guise of 'family life'

Those of you who don’t agree with Mum’s working full time being ok. What would you do if your husband said I’ve had enough of working these long hours I’d like to be a SAHD or work part time? It seems like you don’t want to work because you can’t bear to leave the children. Why is it ok for him to do that?

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer I used to work in advertising. It wasn’t very family friendly. So I’ve retrained and now work part time. But I still don’t think I have it all.
But I’m far happier and healthier and that’s the most important thing.

Nope, they are saying you can't have it all and mothers should be home with their children.