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Original poster

Working mothers can't have it all?

597 replies

Unicornhat · 21/09/2022 12:27

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

OP posts:
Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:09

@Delatron

Yeah they are.

There's countless post saying I couldn't have it all because then I'd not be spending every minute with/not prioritising/abandoning/neglecting my child.

With no definitive answer as to what the minimum hours required are

EmptyHouse0822 · 22/09/2022 13:11

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:05

@EmptyHouse0822

So we're back to you basically saying that unless you're at home almost full time you can't have it all.

I completely disagree.

It might not be what you want but that's not the same as impossible for everyone.

The long shifts work absolutely fine for us as a family. When they were pre school it meant no external childcare.

I should be doing mon to Thurs in my current role but its not possible at the moment and I'm liking being back on the shifts.

My kids are fully prioritised.

In my situation increasing my hours to improve my career would mean that 5 days a week I would be out the house 11 hours (due to commute).

Theres a very big gap between “being at home full time” and “working full time.”

As you’ve said to me in previous posts, it’s all about the balance, and spending 11 hours out the house a day for work reasons and only seeing my children for 2 hours is not balanced.

And even when I did long shifts we still had to use external childcare because my husband still had to go to work. It’s just another example of how your history of being able to manage your shifts and children does not mean that everyone can do the same.

I would not want to be a SAHP but nor do I want to be away from my children for 11 hours a day. It’s all about finding the middle ground isn’t it.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 22/09/2022 13:11

No one can have it all

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 22/09/2022 13:12

Delatron · 22/09/2022 13:09

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer I used to work in advertising. It wasn’t very family friendly. So I’ve retrained and now work part time. But I still don’t think I have it all.
But I’m far happier and healthier and that’s the most important thing.

Ok. I find it hard to be lieve only one person in the entire advertising industry is allowed to leave at 4 after years of asking, so will assume you mean your workplace. There will be, I am sure, family friendly employers and jobs in your industry. THey might not be easy to find, but they will be there. Some industries are worse than others, and so are some job types. It's an uphill battle for sure, doesn't mean it's not worth challenging. In fact, in some ways you did by voting with your feet and leaving it.

Delatron · 22/09/2022 13:12

@Topgub I can well understand why nurses wouldn’t want to work 12 hour shifts and not see their children for days? Nothing to do with whether the DH is doing half the parenting or not. It’s not a guise. It’s not a very family friendly job for either parent.

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:13

Friendly for my family.

Friendly for most other families I know

🤷‍♀️

EmptyHouse0822 · 22/09/2022 13:15

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:08

I'd also change this

The huge majority of the nurses I work with who have young children do not work full time hours because the shift work can be so incompatible with family life once there are little children on the scene.

To most of the women dont work full time because they prioritise their ohs career under the guise of 'family life'

No, is not for that reason at all. It’s because they don’t like being away from their children for long periods.

They also struggle having to switch from days to nights and then back to days again and feeling permanently exhausted as opposed to being able to be at home and enjoy their time with their children.

You seem to have some deep rooted issues about mothers feeling that way towards their children though so I don’t expect you to believe it.

Delatron · 22/09/2022 13:15

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer yes that was the specific company I worked for. But in the industry women who worked part time were not valued and there was a huge degree of presenteeism. Nobody would leave the office before 6 unless they had a part time contract. In London that would get you home for around 6.30-7. It’s probably changed now. Hopefully for the better.

Delatron · 22/09/2022 13:18

@Topgub Are we trying to guess your job here? If you have it all I don’t know why you are so cloak and dagger about so many things. Be open about how you have the ideal
life..

But be aware it’s not ideal for many others.

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:21

@Delatron

You don't have to guess my job lol.

I havent said I have the ideal life for others either

Its ideal for us.

We have it all. Much as that appears to annoy others.

If you chose a different lifestyle, different job role, oh who prioritises themselves, think you have to be with kids the vast majority of the time, then no, you probably won't have it all.

And that's probably OK? Presumably you're happy with those choices and those outcomes.

G5000 · 22/09/2022 13:23

You can not possible believe that prioritising your children is working full time

What do you think I as a parent do with the salary I earn by working? Spend it on hats? I know many mumsnetters have children who live on pure air and love alone, but maybe mine are then defective if they still prefer some food and roof over their head.

EmptyHouse0822 · 22/09/2022 13:23

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:21

@Delatron

You don't have to guess my job lol.

I havent said I have the ideal life for others either

Its ideal for us.

We have it all. Much as that appears to annoy others.

If you chose a different lifestyle, different job role, oh who prioritises themselves, think you have to be with kids the vast majority of the time, then no, you probably won't have it all.

And that's probably OK? Presumably you're happy with those choices and those outcomes.

How old are your children? I saw at the start of the thread you said you didn’t have young children?

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:24

@EmptyHouse0822

Interesting choice of words

No.

I dont have 'deep rooted issues' about women who want to be with their children

I have deep rooted issues about the sexist narrative around parenting and childcare and the implications that women who don't have to nash and wail at being apart from their children are some how failing at mother hood.

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:25

@EmptyHouse0822

Pre teen/teen.

They weren't born this age though. Oddly enough.

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:26

@G5000
55mine have the gall to want hats too!

EmptyHouse0822 · 22/09/2022 13:28

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:25

@EmptyHouse0822

Pre teen/teen.

They weren't born this age though. Oddly enough.

Obviously. I was only asking as I assume a high percentage of the women on this thread are talking about their experiences these days of trying to manage work and pre-school aged children.

Obviously it’s a lot easier to “have it all” now your children are older and don’t need you in the same way, but did you and their dad not find it challenging at times to find a good work/life balance when they were much younger?

subtitle · 22/09/2022 13:32

Topgub - you only "have it all" because that's what suits you. That's all you can say. Other women would run a mile from your life..

Delatron · 22/09/2022 13:33

@Topgub I don’t at all think I have to be with my kids all the time - hence going back full time when they were young.

I thing you’re the only one on here who thinks you have it all. But that’s fine! I don’t look at your lifestyle (from the info you’ve given) and think you have it all..

You may think working full time is having it all. Others may think having time to exercise every day, having little stress, having a job that pays well but is part time is having it all…

Though to be fair most people are honest enough to admit something has to give - you just choose what that thing is (the least important to you personally- be that time for yourself, sleep, exercise, time with DH, time with the children etc).

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:33

@EmptyHouse0822

Of course it was a challenge.

I still worked those hours. I did less 4 day weeks.

I did nights so I was there in the day.

My parents retired when they went to school so they did some after school pick ups.

It was never easy. Easier now.

Going very part time never occurred to me.

HereIComeAgain · 22/09/2022 13:33

I work full time but in a less challenging role than I'm capable of - because it's in the next road from our house and DS's school and I work school hours in the office, the rest at home and switch off on time. Still busy but gives us a balance, my son has additional needs so wraparound care not easy for him. DH also has flexible, home based work though at more senior level and travels often.
I'm bored to tears with my role but we have an agreement that when DS reaches secondary age DH will support me while I go back to uni and retrain. I know I am capable of more but still earn around UK average so still contributing a good amount to household finances while making it work around DS.

I think if both partners want high powered careers with long hours then strong family support and/or paid help with childcare and domestic work is a must if you also want kids.

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:34

@Delatron

Odd that you think you're better placed to judge my life than I am

🤣

EmptyHouse0822 · 22/09/2022 13:35

topgub

Going very part time never occurred to me.

Whats separates part time and ‘very’ part time?

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:36

@subtitle

Good for them?

I wouldnt want theirs.

Great how we're all different eh?

Delatron · 22/09/2022 13:36

Working nights with young kids does not sound like my idea of having it all…
So you didn’t have it all when you had younger kids.
You feel like you have it all now the kids are pre-teen. But that’s basically because they don’t need us as much and are practically self sufficient. Much easier now! You can’t compare with women on here who are saying it’s hard to have it all with young kids. You didn’t. Working nights would be the opposite of having it all for me…awful.

Topgub · 22/09/2022 13:37

@EmptyHouse0822

2 days a week (long) would be very part time for me.

3 (long) days with no 4 day week would be part time.

3 long days with 1 4 day week or 4 shorter days would be full time.