Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

@subtitle are you in the UK? You are aware it is entirely standard for maternity leave to be 7-12 months here? I don't think anyone on this thread is advocating putting a newborn into a "day centre" for 12 hours a day.

What does "having it all" actually mean? Objectively? I am a single parent so I work and look after my children. I have no choice in either of those things. Does that mean I have it all?

@OhDeniseReally

No.

You dont have a high earning man with a very important job.

🙄🤣

@Topgub ah gosh darn it, I knew my life was lacking something! Having had a rather useless partner who dumped me the day I was discharged from hospital I have decided I don't need it all! 🤣

🤣

There are so many waste of space 'men' in society these days and women left doing it all.

Ah yes, women do you materal duty and stay at home with the kids to force all those lazy men into high flying careers. That'll really teach them, and improve society.

@subtitle

So many women who enable waste of space men

So many women happy to rely on those waste of space men for money if it means they don't have to work.

Except a high proportion of the greatest waste of spaces are also child-maintenance evading.

IME a lot of men agree to taking on the role of breadwinner while the child is preschool, in the premise that the wife will return to some paid work when the children are in school.

Then the women can’t go back to work because the DH wage is so important and they can’t possibly do any school runs/housework and they can’t find a job that fits in. Of course, they probably don’t l want to use any paid childcare to help with that predicament as paid childcare is tantamount to neglect. Or they can’t find a job as their workplace has moved on and they haven’t kept up. Or they don’t want to go back to work.

Im at an age now, youngest in reception that I have friends who all of those apply to. It’s not good for anyone. Marriages are strained and most of these men are bloody hopeless as they’ve been mollycoddled for the past 5-10 years. Ridiculous but true.

And we pretend we’ve moved on in our roles and equality since the 1950s!

@Rightmoveanon I see this a lot at my kids' school too. The issue is it's then up to the woman to find a job that fits in with her DH's job and the childcare which she has been responsible for for years. That's really tricky without work experience/ established position. One of the reasons I have the flexibility I have is because (1) I am senior enough to manage my own time and (2) I have established myself at my company so I don't have to prove myself by being available all the time.

No, what I said is that I would to achieve more in my career and earn more money, but that I won’t do it because it will take me away from my children.

For some reason you don’t seem to understand, or want to accept, that for some women, as much as they would like to achieve more in their career, they put that on the back burner for the sake of their children.

Just because their children are the priority it doesn’t mean they don’t want the career too. It means they can’t have both so one of them has to give.

@EmptyHouse0822

So children are your priority. Presumably then work is your husband’s priority?

Or would you say that the children are still his priority but he manages to work alongside them being his priority?

Because those two things are not mutually exclusive you know?

@EmptyHouse0822

That's a choice though.

You could have both.

You've decided that you need to put the career on the back burner to 'prioritise' the children.

I prioritise my kids and my career.

🤷‍♀️

Yes just be like Topgub EmptyHouse0822. Sorted. Neeeext!

My husband works full time and leaves the house at 7.30am and is home by 5pm at the latest.

If I were to work full time I would have to leave the house before 7am (so not really seeing the children in the morning) and wouldn’t be home until 6.30pm and so I would only see them an hour before bedtime and that to me is not quality time with my children.

So yes, him working full time does not reduce the time he gets to spend with the children in the same way it would affect me. Plus he’s a teacher so he gets a lot of time off with them which again is a benefit I would not have.

If you want to tell me how I can have both, I’m all ears….

Are you quite alright @subtitle ?

@EmptyHouse0822 I actually think what you are doing is ok. It's ok to say, hey I've got a lot going on now, something has got to give and right now that's work. I think that will happen throughout your career, not always due to kids. Work and career isn't everything and there will be times where you actively drive forward, and others where you maybe coast a bit. That's another way to balance things.

@EmptyHouse0822

By increasing your hours enough so you can advance your career?

Or figuring out a way to advance your career and work flexibly?

I dont know what your career is so I can't tell you how to advance it.

Do you intend to stay part time until your children are adults?

I’m a nurse in a Specialist role. I’m already in a very senior position in my role but my Matrons want me to increase my hours so the service can expand, and although it would be great money wise, I won’t do it because of the amount of time it will take me away from my children.

And no, I don’t intend to only work part time until they are adults. They are currently 5 and 8.

@EmptyHouse0822

Oh well.

Like I said, a choice.

Hopefully the role doesn't go to someone else on the meantime and you can take it on when you no longer need to 'prioritise' your kids so much.

@Topgub You seem to have the dream set up. But you must understand woman in different jobs and different industries can’t have this? Or whatever set up you have at home. You said one parent stayed at home with your children until they were 5? And I’m guessing it wasn’t you. Sounds bloody amazing. Did your DH stay at home for 5 years whilst you progressed your career? No wonder you are so pleased with yourself (I would be too - only there’s no way DH would have done that).

If you don’t have a husband at home (or grandparents on tap) then juggling childcare when 2 parents work full time is very hard and something does have to give. For me it was my sanity! The kids were fine in nursery to be honest. I just never saw them…However, I do look back and think I should have insisted DH did more - but then he was often in a different country so how could I?

@Delatron

Did you ask me that before? Someone did and I answered.

Of course I realise it's not easy for everyone. It wasn't easy for me/us.

No, dh didn't stay at home. Neither of us did. We were equal parents. I wouldnt have had kids other wise.

Certainly wouldn't have had them with someone who prioritise ld their own career/worked away.

And that’s your advice when I ask you how I “can have it all”?! 😂

Well, aren’t you a fountain of knowledge and guidance. All you’ve done is bang on about how women can have full time high flying careers as well as spend quality time with their children, and when I ask you how you think I would do it, the best you can come up with is “Oh well.”

You actually make it sound like a parent thinking spending time with their children is more important than their job is a bad thing?!

If I went full time I would spend 12 hours a day out the house and only 2 hours a day with my children and is that your perfect scenario and balanced version of “women being able to have it all” ?

@EmptyHouse0822

Sorry, I’m not sure if you work at all but there are flexible jobs, ones that allow some WFH, good work life balance. I have one.

The only way I got it was by Flexible working requests to HR by me, 2 turned down, 3rd accepted when they realised there was no business reason for me not to do it, and that I wasn’t going to give up.

Flexible working request for DH. Surprisingly this was actually very easy. Men just don’t ask for it! They can’t be discriminated against because they are a man.

Our flexible working was to go down to 0.8 when DC were in nursery and have a day at home each, 3 days nursery. Now we are both full time but work flexibly around the kids. We have no outside help.

When one persons income is not the most important thing in the world. Then you split of everything else down the middle. We do half of everything and it works. There is no power play. No micromanaging.

It might not be doable for you now but if more people did this then we’d see a big shift which would make a lot of people a lot happier.

Of course, we wouldn’t please those of us who want a rich man to take care of them. And there’s still a lot of those about.

We would see more women continue their careers (not necessarily full time, no one necessarily needs to be full time) that they have worked so hard for. More women would be financially independent if marriages fail. Less women would be in poverty in their old age. Men’s expectations would change from wanting a wife to do everything for them and the kids (still rife in my social circle!) to having an equal.

There is a massive shift needed. It will never happen when you have people telling Mother’s that their children aren’t their priority if they work, or work full time.

I work full time (did I mention 😂) and by doing that I am prioritising my children, I am giving them an excellent role model and teaching them that men and women are equals. I’m damned if I’ll be made to feel an inferior parent because of it.