Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

My circumstances are irrelevant. I don't need to be working or not working to have my eyes open to the fact that many women (and yes women do feel it more then men) struggle with having to leave their children in childcare for long periods and feel it's far from ideal - for the children or for them. It's a rare women that doesn't struggle with this to some extent and no use pretending otherwise. These threads are evidence of the struggle. Even if you codon you're fine, you are on here for a reason.

claim you're fine

@subtitle

On mn for a reason?

What does that have to do with not struggling with leaving kids to work?

I've never said it's not a struggle ever. But I don't accept that it's cruel to children not to have a SAHP. Nor that women are somehow morally obliged to be at their children's beck and call 24 hrs a day.

The fact you feel the need to be having this debate shows you are struggling with the questions it provokes in one way or another.

Put it this way - how much time does your husband spend on forums discussing his work / family balance?

Let me guess - zero?

Yes, I am struggling with the fact that even in this day and age not just society, but women, are still calling out other women for wanting to work and for spending some time away from their children. And the whole implied rhetoric of not spending 24/7 with your child meaning you either don't love them or you aren't really a proper parent. When that would NEVER happen to men.

I am also struggling with the fact that some people seem in complete denial that there are ways to make this work. Does that include some compromise and struggles, sure, most things do. But there are lots of women on here stating you don't need to pack in your career because you have kids.

I guess I am struggling with reading a thread and seeing that it is women that are trying to limit other women from taking roles outside the home. That's why I am here. Why are you?

OP, sounds like you don't like your job.

I am in a senior role too, with a 14 mo and I love being back in work. I still work FT but compressed hrs and get a full day with DC, one day over the weekend (or half) is for the borinh stuff like cleaning, batch cooking etc, I shop one evening a week, do washing overnight, iron when I catch up on Netflix series one eve. I got into a routine which is tough and I don't always love it, but I force myself to get on with it despite being tired because I get a full day with DC and then another 1-1.5 days over the weekend, plus of course mornings and evenings when he finishes nursery. He is happy. He loves being around other children. He also loves being around me and I think we have the right balance, but it is very hard work.

If I felt about my job like you do, I'd quit. It's either that you haven't found the right balance between work, childcare, chores and your own personal time - and your mind is cluttered in which case you need to reassess your weekly schedule and try different arrangements, or you purely don't want to do this particular job anymore.

What @Icanstillrecallourlastsummer said.

The book 'The Feminine Mistake', talks about women giving up good jobs for children and then not getting those jobs back, ever. It's a warning book. I know it's hard juggling, but throw money at the problem now, because at age 12 when the little ones don't want to be around embarrassing mum, you're going to be left with sweet fuck all. No money, and hardly a chance to work in a minimum wage job.

IME to progress as a society women should be taking on more of the financial responsibility and men should be taking on more of the child/home responsibility.

As a young girl I was sold this idea that I could have a great career and children. That I was an equal to men in all aspects of my life. That I would find a partner that shared everything with me.

I did manage that and my life is enriched by it. My DH and I share everything 50-50 and it’s bloody amazing. I never have to start threads about how my DH doesn’t pull his weight because he does! I am however subject to constant digs that because I am not with my children all of the time I am somehow an inferior Mother.

There is no need for anyone (male, female, parent or not) to be in an office 80 hours a week. Regardless of their job and how important they are. This has become a thing, for men primarily, because as a society we have let it happen. It’s also a leading contributor to poor health and premature death.

We need to fight back against this toxic presenteeism culture or we are going to be stuck in this horrible place forever. So many women on this thread enabling it though. And I don’t mean by looking after the kids while their important DH goes to work, I mean by telling other Mothers that they are inferior to them because they go to work.

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer completely agree with you.

The OP posted how she felt but it looks like she has been driven off the thread by people telling her that her feelings are invalid. Then they post their so called "ideal" circumstances, which to many people, would not be ideal at all.

@subtitle

Or maybe she's been driven off the thread by women posting that she shouldn't be trying to have it all in the first place.

That her sil is right and she should give up work.

That's not what I am reading. I am reading that people are saying that if she wants, which she seems to, there are ways to make it work and have both a good career and a family life. It requires the right job, the right employer and some organisiation, but it's possible. It's not always easy, and there will be compromises (which, let's be honest, there are for being a SAHP too), but it is possible.

I am also reading women telling her that yes, it can be a struggle, but (1) it does get easier and (2) there are longer terms consequences of packing it in which she might want to consider. Sometimes when you are in it, it's difficult to see beyond the here and now of busy life with small kids and work.

And this. I am sure all she needs is other women telling her she's a crap mum for daring not to be at her children's disposal 24/7.

My issue is, it's all well and good repeatedly saying things like "we need flexi working to be more common in the future" or "it used to take a village" or "where is your husband in all this?" But how does that help a woman who is posting because feels stuck NOW and does not have that flexibility and nor does her husband and they do not have family around. What is the point of telling a woman who is struggling with being away from her baby that she shouldn't actually feel like that? Because if she does, she does. Should she go into denial?

@subtitle

No one has said a woman should deny struggling to be away from her baby.

But women reinforcing that it's absolutely awful to even consider it won't help either, will it?

Noone is telling her not to feel that way. They are saying there are ways to sort it out if she wants to.

And despite the fact you have an issue with some people saying these things you have no issue telling her that she must quit her job and to do otherwise is cruel on her children. How is that anymore helpful in the slightest?

Many many women are fine with using childcare, but many others are only fine with it because they have to be. Many more again are conflicted. But everyone is in different circumstances and everyone is different.

There are also such things as mat leave.

Most women seem to take a year out. Parental leave exists. Lots of women go back part time

The idea that women have to dump new born babies in childcare 8 to 6 mon fri is nonsense.

And as everyone loves to say on these threads, they're not babies long.

The bigger picture of the rest of your working life and retirement also matters.

Sounds to my like you have the wrong job/company and culture. I have a senior role but still work/life balance too

How do you know if there are ways for her to sort it out if she wants to? As if it's that easy to just decide to change career or walk into a flexi job next week? As if everyone has husbands who can just change their work patterns, or suddenly stop commuting or doing a 60 hour week or stop travelling? As if everyone has their mother on tap down the road? As if everyone just has one child or even two As if everyone has their health. As if everyone loves their job. Some people are in cloud cuckoo land if they think it's all that easy.

So she should just do what's right for her kids and become as SAHM. The way nature intended of course. You've won me over, off I go to quit my imaginary flexbile senior job which I enjoy, makes me the higher earner, and gives me a great work/life balance. Hope my kids forgive me for my cruelty and absence.

I wonder how I will manage without a pension and financial independence, but who cares, as a woman I should be far more concerned with caring for others.

We are not talking about you, are we?

Is the OP you?

Sounds like it’s less the physically doing it all in your case - as it seems your DH is playing his part, as he should - but the emotionally and mental side of being away.

In that respect men can’t have it all either as they too can’t be in two places at once, they’ve just been raised to think (for the most part) that it’s their role to be back at work, so off they go. You don’t have to feel guilty about it just because you’re a woman.

Have a chat with your DH about what works for both of you. Can you even afford to go part time? Or look for a different job. It does sound a bit like you just don’t like your job on one way of reading your OP. Now’s the time to stop just falling into life situations and decide what you want to do.