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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at DH having a poo during our morning routine?

370 replies

doggiemum247 · 21/09/2022 09:34

We have a 9mo dd. Since she was born, I've gotten up an hour before she does so I can do everything I need to in the shower, blow dry my hair if needed, get dressed, pump milk etc. my husband sleeps in while I do this. If dd wakes in this time, dh takes her into bed with him for a cuddle until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating. This morning, he announced as I was going downstairs that he was going for a poo and shower (he usually does this in the evening once she's gone to bed).

I suppose for most people this wouldn't be a problem. But I rely on his support in the morning (by which I mean him holding her and then coming to breakfast with us, it's not like I'm asking that much of him) and it took me by surprise. I got annoyed. I said "if you knew you needed 20 minutes in the morning to get ready, you should have told me and I would have gotten up 20 minutes earlier so I could have played with her while you did that".

He got annoyed at me back saying "it's only 20 minutes" and "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

I explained that if he'd just told me, I wouldn't need to try and juggle dd on my own for 20 minutes when it could have easily been factored in. He wouldn't even have had to get up early! I would have gotten up 20 mins earlier to allow him that time!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my breakfast and probably won't get a chance to until later now because I have things to get done this morning while also watching dd. Currently BFing her.

To add insult to injury, when I came upstairs with dd, dh had left his stinky dirty pants on the office chair I sit at all day to work. Didn't seem to think this was a problem either.

The main problem though is that even though I've asked him to let me know if he needs 20 minutes in the morning to get ready and I'll factor that into my routine, he's point blank refusing, saying it's unnecessary and I need to ease up. It's not a make or break thing but to me it seems like such an easy thing to just let me know the night before and I'll get up early, rather than having to struggle for those 20 minutes. It's just be a lot less stress al around.

Am I being too rigid and type A, or would others expect their partners to let them know if they needed extra time in the morning to get ready, rather than just taking it out of time that is already very busy?

OP posts:
absolutelyanythingwilldo · 21/09/2022 10:05

"Hi honey, just to let you know I think I'm going to go for a poo in the morning so might not be able to be at the breakfast table".

Jeezus, you sound like hard work and making a fuss about not eating is just being childish. YABVU.

scrufffy · 21/09/2022 10:06

I was a single parent from my youngest was a baby. Her development was fine just eating with me

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/09/2022 10:06

You sound like a nightmare. You both need more give and take. If you have these rules and strict attitude over everything then life is going to be very hard and you wont be happily married for much longer.

He needs to be hands on. He needs to pull his weight. But this issue is utterly ridiculous. He didnt do anything wrong.

I was a single parent from when my youngest was 6 weeks old. I have an 18 month old and a 6 week old and had barely recovered from a very difficult birth and I was left to do it all alone. I'm trying not to let that cloud my reaction to your post but I read it and just thought what a pathetic joke it is.

TakeawayManAlan · 21/09/2022 10:06

Let the poor man have a shite and a shower

You sound very difficult and not very considerate

Seeline · 21/09/2022 10:06

Due to commuting I don't think my DH ate with our DCs much when they were small. I certainly ate breakfast, although not sat round the table. Usually on the sofa after DCs had eaten and were watching a bit of TV.

Both are now at uni - doesn't seem to have harmed their development.

abovedecknotbelow · 21/09/2022 10:07

YABVVU.

Let the baby whinge a bit, don't be a martyr.

Ballcactus · 21/09/2022 10:07

This is clearly a build up of him being a giant man child then this ripped you over the edge

ronswansonstache · 21/09/2022 10:07

Sounds like you have quite a rigid routine but I can't be doing with men and their 20-30 minute poos 🙄 I've had IBS for years and have never had a 20 min shit!

So for that reason and the dirty pants, YANBU

butterfliedtwo · 21/09/2022 10:07

You're being completely ridiculous. I couldn't live like that.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/09/2022 10:07

ronswansonstache · 21/09/2022 10:07

Sounds like you have quite a rigid routine but I can't be doing with men and their 20-30 minute poos 🙄 I've had IBS for years and have never had a 20 min shit!

So for that reason and the dirty pants, YANBU

Where did he have a 20 minute poo?

Caiti19 · 21/09/2022 10:08

But I would keep a close eye on this attitude "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". It sounds belittling and needs to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later. That is if this is a verbatim quote and you did not employ any poetic license when relaying it here.

ShanghaiDiva · 21/09/2022 10:08

The pants left on the chair is revolting, but you need to calm down regarding your rigid morning routine.

newrubylane · 21/09/2022 10:09

So, I had twins, and I totally appreciate the importance of routine and how annoying it can be when it gets disrupted. But it inevitably will occasionally, that's life. I agree that if this became a regular thing and was causing a major problem then you should rethink how you do things, obviously. That's got to be on both of you, not just DH can't shower in the morning to save you hassle. Having had twins, it sounds like you might be being a bit precious about the baby's needs. If one of us had had to be holding/playing with the baby all the time, we'd literally have never got anything done! Very gently, I think you probably need to relax a bit!

Tigofigo · 21/09/2022 10:09

My DC used to wake at 5-5.30 as well as wake in the night and was a Velcro child. I NEVER got up an hour earlier to get ready, I barely got 4 hours sleep as it was!! Was lucky to have 5 minutes while child screamed. I used a sling a lot.

A bit part of parenting is learning how to be flexible and adaptable so I think YABU.

VroomVrooom · 21/09/2022 10:09

I can’t believe what I’ve just read.

And for heavens sake, just make yourself some breakfast.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 21/09/2022 10:09

I can understand your frustration and I've been there. But, I do think YABU... You and your partner are obviously different with your routine and there needs to be some compromise on both sides. However, if this was a one off, I would let it go. It's ok to not be so strict with your routine, you can sit your 9 month old in front of the tv or in a high chair with a couple of toys for 20 minutes whilst you get yourself some breakfast.

Dogtooth · 21/09/2022 10:09

suzyscat · 21/09/2022 10:04

You can't spoil a baby by acknowledging its needs and communication.

Show quote history

@suzyscat No one is talking about leaving the baby unattended in a corner, just not dropping breakfast the minute she makes any sound.

Babies are usually quite happy not being the exact centre of attention, and watching what adults are doing around them. She makes a noise because she's a bit bored, give her a wooden spoon to bang or pull a face etc, while you continue having breakfast.

savemeagin · 21/09/2022 10:10

Poor guy. Woke up and needed a poo and shower after and gets neat grief all morning.
If you can study all day whilst looking after baby - you can bloody eat.

WimpoleHat · 21/09/2022 10:10

I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

Then grabbing a piece of toast isn’t going to be a big deal, surely? I do think you’re being a bit rigid here, honestly.

Heckythump1 · 21/09/2022 10:10

A 9 month old doesn't need holding whilst you make and eat breakfast.... stick on the floor with toys/in front of cbeebies for a few minutes.

Your husband needs to poo, would you rather he shat himself at the breakfast table?! :P

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/09/2022 10:10

Caiti19 · 21/09/2022 10:08

But I would keep a close eye on this attitude "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". It sounds belittling and needs to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later. That is if this is a verbatim quote and you did not employ any poetic license when relaying it here.

I wouldnt call it an attitude that needs a close eye on if it is indeed factually correct. He is right, there is no rush for her as she doesnt need to be anywhere but he does need to be showered and dressed for work!

2bazookas · 21/09/2022 10:11

YABU. In any group setting, every one has the same bodily functions and should be able to feel comfortable and relaxed about answering the need. In a year or two, you'll be juggling the domestic routine around the poos, wees and dirty pants of your daughter. You will also need to learn that sometimes, children do whine cry and complain but it doesn't mean the entire household has to stop functioning. Let DD have a squawk in her high chair ; it's an important part of her socialisation to learn that tears and temper are normal reactions but not the end of the world and certainly not useful tools for manipulation.

User839516 · 21/09/2022 10:11

This is all so weird. Why is your DH having to announce to you that he needs a poo? Why are you being so weird about your morning routine? Why are you on mumsnet instead of eating breakfast? Why can’t you eat breakfast while you are breastfeeding? And what exactly do you mean when you say ‘stinky, dirty pants’? 🤢

Gwlondon · 21/09/2022 10:12

I am sorry but you are going to have this argument for years. Who does what in the morning. You have got up super early to fit in what you need to do. Unfortunately unless he gets up earlier you might not get a chance for a peaceful breakfast.

Maybe put your child on the floor on a mat? Or have some high chair toys that you clean?

If you are a stay at home mum this is part of it. Those minutes would feel very precious to you. Sorry.

slowquickstep · 21/09/2022 10:12

Good lord, you need to ease up.