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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at DH having a poo during our morning routine?

370 replies

doggiemum247 · 21/09/2022 09:34

We have a 9mo dd. Since she was born, I've gotten up an hour before she does so I can do everything I need to in the shower, blow dry my hair if needed, get dressed, pump milk etc. my husband sleeps in while I do this. If dd wakes in this time, dh takes her into bed with him for a cuddle until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating. This morning, he announced as I was going downstairs that he was going for a poo and shower (he usually does this in the evening once she's gone to bed).

I suppose for most people this wouldn't be a problem. But I rely on his support in the morning (by which I mean him holding her and then coming to breakfast with us, it's not like I'm asking that much of him) and it took me by surprise. I got annoyed. I said "if you knew you needed 20 minutes in the morning to get ready, you should have told me and I would have gotten up 20 minutes earlier so I could have played with her while you did that".

He got annoyed at me back saying "it's only 20 minutes" and "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

I explained that if he'd just told me, I wouldn't need to try and juggle dd on my own for 20 minutes when it could have easily been factored in. He wouldn't even have had to get up early! I would have gotten up 20 mins earlier to allow him that time!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my breakfast and probably won't get a chance to until later now because I have things to get done this morning while also watching dd. Currently BFing her.

To add insult to injury, when I came upstairs with dd, dh had left his stinky dirty pants on the office chair I sit at all day to work. Didn't seem to think this was a problem either.

The main problem though is that even though I've asked him to let me know if he needs 20 minutes in the morning to get ready and I'll factor that into my routine, he's point blank refusing, saying it's unnecessary and I need to ease up. It's not a make or break thing but to me it seems like such an easy thing to just let me know the night before and I'll get up early, rather than having to struggle for those 20 minutes. It's just be a lot less stress al around.

Am I being too rigid and type A, or would others expect their partners to let them know if they needed extra time in the morning to get ready, rather than just taking it out of time that is already very busy?

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 21/09/2022 09:42

You can't expect people to shit to order.

Most people can manage to have a piece of toast or something while in the presence of a baby for 20 minutes.

Your child's development will not be harmed by not having the whole family present at breakfast now and again.

You are ridiculously rigid and controlling.

Talipesmum · 21/09/2022 09:42

I can see it’s annoying but I think you’re being unreasonable. Planning and very fixed routines have their place but some people find them a lot more restrictive than others. If you’d absolutely had to get off to work on time, or left the house with DD at a particular time and this 20 mins messed that up, then you might have a point. But it does sound like you had some ability to be flexible, and frankly, I think it’s unreasonable to need two parents to give one 9 month old their breakfast. I clearly remember that age being demanding and exhausting but you surely just need to have your bowl of cereal/toast next to hers, and one spoon for you, one for her etc? I’m no hero super mum but that does seem a bit much.

Clymene · 21/09/2022 09:42

Do any women ever take 20 minutes to do a poo? What is wrong with men's bowels? Confused

TwinkleChristmas · 21/09/2022 09:42

RudsyFarmer · 21/09/2022 09:41

I don’t take 20 mins to have a shit. So it’s a YANBU from me.

He also had a shower and got dressed…

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/09/2022 09:43

Clymene · 21/09/2022 09:42

Do any women ever take 20 minutes to do a poo? What is wrong with men's bowels? Confused

He had a poo, had a shower and got dressed.

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 21/09/2022 09:44

Crikey, you’re being very precious OP and frankly controlling.
Why can’t you eat your breakfast when you’re breastfeeding?

Tollystar · 21/09/2022 09:44

I think the root of this issue is you are being really rigid about her routine (e.g. that it's good for her developmently to all eat breakfast together...whaaaat??!!) and your martyrdom about not getting your breakfast if she's whining. Relax about eating as a family, leave her to grizzle while you make some toast, and you won't need to have these silly arguments.

But the dirty pants thing (assuming you are in the UK so pants means underwear) is horrible!

piegone · 21/09/2022 09:44

I can't imagine living in such rigid conditions where I need to book in for a morning shit, and im autistic and thrive on routine.

StopDrivingIntoMyFence · 21/09/2022 09:44

If this isn't a wind up, you're going to need to stop being so rigid or the future years will be very difficult for you.

I can't imagine how your DH feels, almost having to book a poo slot, so that it fits in with your routine.

BorgQueen · 21/09/2022 09:44

Stick Peppa pig on for a few minutes or give her something interesting to play with, eat your breakfast and stop being a martyr.

I like routine but bloody hell.

maddening · 21/09/2022 09:44

I would get something to eat while bf her.

Kanaloa · 21/09/2022 09:44

Are people reading the op at all? He showered and got ready for work as well. He wasn’t sitting on the toilet for 20 minutes. If anything I’d say he rushed, because it takes me a lot longer than 20 minutes to go to the toilet, fully shower and dress for work.

OP doesn’t work. She studies from home while caring for one child. There’s realistically no reason why she would have been unable to eat anything all morning because her husband wasn’t there to support her with eating breakfast.

OrigamiOwls · 21/09/2022 09:45

YANBU about the pants. Everything else tho...YABU. He's supposed to poo on command? Give you prior notice the previous day? This is not how bodily functions work.
Stop being a breakfast martyr and eat yours.

Penguinfeather781 · 21/09/2022 09:46

You sound ridiculous. Put child in a playpen/highchair for five minutes, regardless of whether or not she cries about it, and eat some toast.

Arnaquer · 21/09/2022 09:46

You are far too rigid and it doesn't need 2 people to give a baby breakfast.
Imagine if a woman came in here and said her husband dictated what time she has a shower and goes to toilet?
You need to relax a bit

20viona · 21/09/2022 09:46

You're crazy.

Loics · 21/09/2022 09:46

YANBU! I thought you were at least going to say you had somewhere to be, but YABU once again as you were going to be at home all day anyway.
You're being far too rigid with routine, as others have said, it doesn't take 2 to feed a baby. I imagine you could feed her alone, you just don't want to try. I have 2 little ones who often get antsy while waiting for meals, it's life, sometimes they'll whinge and moan a bit, then be right as rain as soon as you've served their food. It's quite common with babies and toddlers.

JorisBonson · 21/09/2022 09:46

Your poor husband.

Loics · 21/09/2022 09:47

Loics · 21/09/2022 09:46

YANBU! I thought you were at least going to say you had somewhere to be, but YABU once again as you were going to be at home all day anyway.
You're being far too rigid with routine, as others have said, it doesn't take 2 to feed a baby. I imagine you could feed her alone, you just don't want to try. I have 2 little ones who often get antsy while waiting for meals, it's life, sometimes they'll whinge and moan a bit, then be right as rain as soon as you've served their food. It's quite common with babies and toddlers.

Oh dear, I meant YABVU!

IamTheBridge · 21/09/2022 09:47

until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating

It's important to make her whiny and upset every morning? You need to ease up.

romdowa · 21/09/2022 09:47

My dp needs one in the split second that we are about to leave the house, every time. It's most infuriating but a one off I wouldn't get upset about.

Confusedteacher · 21/09/2022 09:47

Blimey. It does sound like he needs to do more, but at the same time it doesn’t take 2 people to give a 9 month old breakfast! You also don’t need to get up super early to shower- I used to plop mine on the bathroom floor while I showered- yes sometimes they whined but they were safe.

Although dirty pants on the chair- gross! LTB just for that!

Notjusta · 21/09/2022 09:47

Your DD is 9mo so she can definitely sit in a high chair and pick at some toast/fruit/cereal bits while you make yourself breakfast. Even if she whines about it - she's safe and no harm will come to her. Just play a game of peepo round the door/wall, or sing songs, do funny faces etc while you're making your breakfast.

I think you need to relax a little bit overall to be honest and find a way to add some flexibility to your life.

Marblessolveeverything · 21/09/2022 09:48

YABU, it isn't easy to get ready with a baby but we all learn. Both of you should be able to. It isn't rocket science.

Idontknowwhatto · 21/09/2022 09:48

I'm sorry op. I've a 7 month old who doesn't nap and know how tough it is to get things done but I do think yabu. Can you give your baby some finger food while you eat your breakfast? My baby gnaws on toast or a baby biscuit (don't judge me!) while I unstack the dishwasher and clear the kitchen. She rolls on the floor with her toys while I eat my breakfast. When I need a shower I strap her in her buggy abs stick her in front of cartoons for 5 minutes (I live in a flat and the bathroom is just off the living room). As long as the baby is safe, you can get things done even if she cries.