To get annoyed at DH having a poo during our morning routine?

[doggiemum247]

We have a 9mo dd. Since she was born, I've gotten up an hour before she does so I can do everything I need to in the shower, blow dry my hair if needed, get dressed, pump milk etc. my husband sleeps in while I do this. If dd wakes in this time, dh takes her into bed with him for a cuddle until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating. This morning, he announced as I was going downstairs that he was going for a poo and shower (he usually does this in the evening once she's gone to bed).

I suppose for most people this wouldn't be a problem. But I rely on his support in the morning (by which I mean him holding her and then coming to breakfast with us, it's not like I'm asking that much of him) and it took me by surprise. I got annoyed. I said "if you knew you needed 20 minutes in the morning to get ready, you should have told me and I would have gotten up 20 minutes earlier so I could have played with her while you did that".

He got annoyed at me back saying "it's only 20 minutes" and "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

I explained that if he'd just told me, I wouldn't need to try and juggle dd on my own for 20 minutes when it could have easily been factored in. He wouldn't even have had to get up early! I would have gotten up 20 mins earlier to allow him that time!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my breakfast and probably won't get a chance to until later now because I have things to get done this morning while also watching dd. Currently BFing her.

To add insult to injury, when I came upstairs with dd, dh had left his stinky dirty pants on the office chair I sit at all day to work. Didn't seem to think this was a problem either.

The main problem though is that even though I've asked him to let me know if he needs 20 minutes in the morning to get ready and I'll factor that into my routine, he's point blank refusing, saying it's unnecessary and I need to ease up. It's not a make or break thing but to me it seems like such an easy thing to just let me know the night before and I'll get up early, rather than having to struggle for those 20 minutes. It's just be a lot less stress al around.

Am I being too rigid and type A, or would others expect their partners to let them know if they needed extra time in the morning to get ready, rather than just taking it out of time that is already very busy?

I don't get this either...so if you need to get to work for a given time and don't, do you pout at your manager like a man child and say 'but I needed a poo!' or do you get up in time to allow a margin of error for your own bodily functions?

The point I'm making is that good husbands see supporting their wives to be just as important as getting to work on time and build time into their mornings to do that.

Meanwhile, we have a woman who can't even make toast or cereal for breakfast while caring for a baby, and some don't think that is really lame.

He clearly did get up in time. A good wife and mother will be able to feed her own child breakfast, and not demanding her husband, who has to go to work while she stays home, adheres to a batshit routine that simply does not work for any of them. He'd be well advised to leave her altogether if she doesn't change her tune.

Isn't able to eat some toast but is able to study

What support can one person possibly need to give themselves and a 9mo child breakfast?

She is a grown Woman who is capable enough to study all day whilst looking after a baby so how does she manage to feed them both while her husband is at work?

What a ridiculous comment

I'm glad op has not come back with some stupid drip feed and has took the comments on the chin and bowed out tbh.

Totally this

Perhaps telling his manager that he was late, as he had to support his wife while she gave the baby breakfast, would result in a certain degree of ridicule.

You may have stopped reading by now, OP, but one thing to keep in mind is that babies change so quickly ... as your DD grows she won't fuss while you eat your breakfast, or she'll fuss during something else ... but either way, it will be temporary and she'll grow out of it and become easier to deal with! But I know it feels endless while you're stuck in it!

I do think you sound like you're being a bit rigid in your description, and you're probably both somewhat sleep deprived and frustrated which is understandable. Things will get easier. But I would suggest stepping back and looking at the big picture. That might mean letting go of keeping your morning routine just so, and letting your DD fuss a bit while you eat your own food, but it might also mean that you recognize that your H has a larger pattern of not respecting your time and efforts ("it's not like you do anything" and leaving dirty pants on your chair). Maybe that's not the case, and those examples are just a couple of the small things couples do that irritate each other, but if you feel repeatedly undermined or unsupported, you might want to have a think about that.

YABU.

Heaven forbid you manage your baby on your own for 20 minutes. Plus, she's 9 months old, not a new-born. If she makes a fuss in the highchair for a few minutes while you eat, so what? Throw her some cheerios of a bit of toast. Whack the telly on. A few minutes without direct adult attention won't kill her.

He shat himself because you didn't allow him to poo. You are abusive OP.

Yes you’re being hugely unreasonable. Surely you can make a slice of toast and eat it with a baby around? As your DH says you’re not getting ready for work at the same time so have plenty of time.

My God, however would you cope with more than one child. In fact, how on earth do you navigate life now?!
Goes without saying that YABU.

Eh? He can help when he needs the bathroom. You're being a bit crazy.

20 minutes is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to undress, shower, dress and go to the toilet.

For God’s sake - why is this even being debated?

So OP can spend an hour drying her hair and other pointless things to stay at home, but he can’t have a wash or brush his teeth before work as its a ‘whole extra routine’ right.

There’s always threads on mn about men taking ages 😂😂 Is it biological?

I think it must be! My late husband used to take ages, he said I was lucky that I could do it SAS style, in there, do the job, quick exit!

YABU and controlling. You don’t need a routine this rigid. It will make everyone miserable. Just because you want to make your life harder doesn’t mean that he can’t even go to the bloody toilet when he wants to!

Also who can’t grab breakfast with 1 baby to take care of? When my youngest was your baby’s age I had 3 to take care of by myself while DH worked early and late and managed to get it all done? You’re being fussy. And a martyr.

Instead of worrying about your childs "development needs" by having both parents eating together, I'd worry about her growing up in such a rigid environment. Having a more relaxed easy going mother will be far better for her development I'd say. Everything sounds so intense.