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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at DH having a poo during our morning routine?

370 replies

doggiemum247 · 21/09/2022 09:34

We have a 9mo dd. Since she was born, I've gotten up an hour before she does so I can do everything I need to in the shower, blow dry my hair if needed, get dressed, pump milk etc. my husband sleeps in while I do this. If dd wakes in this time, dh takes her into bed with him for a cuddle until I'm ready to take her for breakfast and we all eat together- important for her development but also if I don't have someone helping me with breakfast, I almost never get to eat because she gets very whiny and upset in the high chair if she's not actually eating. This morning, he announced as I was going downstairs that he was going for a poo and shower (he usually does this in the evening once she's gone to bed).

I suppose for most people this wouldn't be a problem. But I rely on his support in the morning (by which I mean him holding her and then coming to breakfast with us, it's not like I'm asking that much of him) and it took me by surprise. I got annoyed. I said "if you knew you needed 20 minutes in the morning to get ready, you should have told me and I would have gotten up 20 minutes earlier so I could have played with her while you did that".

He got annoyed at me back saying "it's only 20 minutes" and "it's no big deal, it's not like you do anything or need to be anywhere". I study from home while looking after dd during the day.

I explained that if he'd just told me, I wouldn't need to try and juggle dd on my own for 20 minutes when it could have easily been factored in. He wouldn't even have had to get up early! I would have gotten up 20 mins earlier to allow him that time!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get my breakfast and probably won't get a chance to until later now because I have things to get done this morning while also watching dd. Currently BFing her.

To add insult to injury, when I came upstairs with dd, dh had left his stinky dirty pants on the office chair I sit at all day to work. Didn't seem to think this was a problem either.

The main problem though is that even though I've asked him to let me know if he needs 20 minutes in the morning to get ready and I'll factor that into my routine, he's point blank refusing, saying it's unnecessary and I need to ease up. It's not a make or break thing but to me it seems like such an easy thing to just let me know the night before and I'll get up early, rather than having to struggle for those 20 minutes. It's just be a lot less stress al around.

Am I being too rigid and type A, or would others expect their partners to let them know if they needed extra time in the morning to get ready, rather than just taking it out of time that is already very busy?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 21/09/2022 09:50

You are being a bit ridiculous

Feed her her breakfast and then place her some where safe in the living room and eat yourself.

Ignore her when she cries and screams. She will be fine for 10 mins whilst you get something to eat

Minimalme · 21/09/2022 09:50

Op, you have a very pissed off partner on your hands. Leaving his dirty pants on your work chair is quite a strong message...

ShadowsShadowsShadows · 21/09/2022 09:50

Very gently, YABU. When mine were small I made toast while rocking them/holding them and then ate it while breastfeeding. You quickly adapt to doing things one handed with a small person attached to a hip/asleep on a shoulder.

Also very gently, eating breakfast together is not going to have a major impact on development. It just isn't. So I'd let that one go.

I think if one parent has to go to work and the other is at home, in most families the parent who is at home wrangles the DC so the working parent can get up and sorted for work and out the door. When both parents working then yes it's a juggling act, or when the DCs are older it's a two parent team work job to get everyone out the door for school and work in the morning but at the moment, you are studying at home so I think you need to look again at your routine. Let DH do what he needs to in the morning so he can head off clean and presentable ready for a day of work.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2022 09:50

Your DH is right. You need to ease up

Soubriquet · 21/09/2022 09:51

Oh, and you don’t need to eat together every single morning.

It will not harm her development to eat on her own

GoneWithTheWine1 · 21/09/2022 09:52

YABU, massively.

He can't control when he needs the toilet. Stop being a massive drama Queen.

SalviaOfficinalis · 21/09/2022 09:52

I do agree with you OP, I found that age very difficult to get anything done. Literally couldn’t leave my DS for a second because he’d pull himself up and fall flat on his face (repeatedly).

It’s very frustrating when you’ve got up an hour early to make sure you’re ready and then have to look after the baby while DH gets ready, when he could have got ready and then given you some time before he presumably goes off to work for the day.

But I do think you’re a bit rigid on wanting to always eat breakfast together.

Do you have a baby bouncer/walker? They’re great for shoving them in so you can do things like eating/going to the toilet.

MrsReeves · 21/09/2022 09:53

I'd like to know how you manage to "sit all day" at a desk studying, while looking after a 9 month old, but can't eat a bit of breakfast without help 🤔

FrancescaContini · 21/09/2022 09:53

Crikey. Don’t have another child.

Unicorn717 · 21/09/2022 09:53

I feel sorry for your husband.

Some people have to do this on their own everyday. It's not the end of the world if your kid has to do something a bit different for a morning.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 21/09/2022 09:53

MrsReeves · 21/09/2022 09:53

I'd like to know how you manage to "sit all day" at a desk studying, while looking after a 9 month old, but can't eat a bit of breakfast without help 🤔

This. ^

Topgub · 21/09/2022 09:53

Yabu

Your dd needs to learn to entertain herself

So what if she whines in the high chair?

You're storing up far bigger problems if you never leave her un entertained even for a minute

Sunbun19 · 21/09/2022 09:54

ShuffleCase · 21/09/2022 09:38

YABU and need to relax a bit

Also you are in charge not your DD and it’s important that you eat. Put her down and eat your breakfast. Doesn’t matter if she whines. Continuing to pander to
her won’t solve this.

Absolutely this!

Especially if you're not even go out for the day, I don't understand how you can't quickly eat some cereal or toast

Simonjt · 21/09/2022 09:55

Clymene · 21/09/2022 09:42

Do any women ever take 20 minutes to do a poo? What is wrong with men's bowels? Confused

Well it appears to take the OP to shower, dress and be ready, so only taking 20 minutes to do those things is pretty good.

Simonjt · 21/09/2022 09:55

Take the OP an hour (my brain isn’t engaged this am).

Unicorn717 · 21/09/2022 09:55

Also, how is it fine for you to 'blow dry your hair' in the morning if needed but he can't go for a shit (which he can't help when he needs to)?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2022 09:56

Fucking hell you're controlling. This is absolutely ridiculous. You're not even leaving the house and you lord over the morning routine like a dictator.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/09/2022 09:56

You're both being unreasonable.

You for being very fixed with plans and demanding he schedule in his bodily functions in advance. Him for not really helping out and leaving dirty pants on your chair as some sort of passive aggressive protest, and belittling your time by telling you that you have nowhere to go.

Do you have other family meals? I'm not convinced that eating breakfast together and losing sleep to do so is good for anyones development. If you have other family meals together I'd let breakfast go.

What I'd do is grab breakfast when you can (when your daughter naps or when you're preparing hers or when she is eating etc) but take her alternate mornings. So he gets up with her and sorts her out one morning and you do the next.

Summerfun54321 · 21/09/2022 09:57

If a woman came on here saying her DH told her off for going to the toilet and insisted she schedule it in with him first we’d all be saying she was being abused and to LTB.

CandyLeBonBon · 21/09/2022 09:58

If he wiped his arse properly and is generally clean, were his pants really 'stinky' or were they just normal used pants that needed to go in the wash? I mean it's preferable to put them in the laundry basket, obviously, but unless they're grossly shit stained, I imagine that they weren't quite as much of a problem as you're making out.

And as for the rest? Lighten up. It really doesn't take two of you to give your baby breakfast. Kids whine sometimes. It's normal. And getting them used to a normal life where mum also needs to eat is as important for their development as sitting down as a family, so yes, YABU. Stop being a martyr.

MumsHairnet · 21/09/2022 09:58

How do you think single parents manage to eat their breakfast, same as they do every meal, put the child in a high chair and if they grizzle a bit so what. Otherwise buy cereal bars and enjoy the martyrdom.

Sidge · 21/09/2022 09:58

YABU.

Stick her in her highchair with some Cheerios whilst you do things; good for her fine motor control development Wink

You are being rigid and a bit dramatic. She's 9 months, doesn't need two people to do breakfast and you can't dictate other people's morning routines.

MintyGreenDreams · 21/09/2022 09:58

If he needs to go then he needs to go yabu

watcherintherye · 21/09/2022 09:58

Am I being too rigid

Yes.

AloysiusBear · 21/09/2022 09:58

Yabu you need to master the art of feeding a child & eating yourself at the same time. He can't decide to poo this evening if he needs to go this morning!!