Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?

[BrocoliTrees]

Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.

Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.

Interested to know opinions.

Why is their presence at a birthday party where they will have to split their time with all of the other guests so important? I would defo pick the wedding, and try arrange a time to see grandchild when I could have quality time, especially since moving away!

Wedding.
I never spent a single birthday with a grandparent - is that really "the norm"?

Me too but in this case particularly because the wedding invitation came first.

I'd assume these are your in laws and you just generally don't like them, because I can't imagine any grandparent thinking 'better check in case grandchild is having a party before I reply to this wedding invite' even the closest of grandparents.

The moving away is clearly the issue here.

I'd prioritise my grandchildren.

They remember birthdays and I adore being an active part of their lives.

However I don't enjoy weddings as a rule - too much standing around, being starved and wasting money on expensive drinks while the bridal party have 3203939580303923 photographs taken that will never be looked at again. No ta.

I'd pick the wedding- they're only usually supposed to happen once and you can't really make up for it if you miss it.

You can see the birthday person either side of actual day and still do something nice.

Wedding for me too. I'd pop in if possible morning of the birthday and wish grandchild a happy birthday and then go to the wedding. If that wasn't possible would pop in the day before or after.

If it was a huge 21st birthday bash with heaps of planning, then maybe that would put a different slant on things. But a 6 year olds party? Definitely not a priority over the wedding.

I think you may be getting confused with thinking they prioritise their friends over your child. But they are not, they are just prioritising the event. Very very different.

Also, they sound mega chilled out. A 3 week holiday ending just a few days before moving house 5 hours away and a wedding in the middle. They must be super humans. Everytime I've moved I've needed at least 2-3 weeks prior to moving to prepare/pack/sort/tip runs and have been a stressy mess!

Well, based on the info in your post, it really is.
You don’t sound like a great DIL tbh. They don’t owe you anything and based on what you are saying here, you are very likely to use this as a stick to beat them with.

Think hard about this OP. Very hard.

Wedding absolutely. Birthdays don’t have to be celebrated on the actual day but a wedding is kind of a fixed date event

Although I get from your tone that it doesn’t matter what they do you will have issue with it. And if you keep going on about how awful they are and how perfect your parents are then no bloody wonder they don’t want to be involved

You say it’s not black and white and I sense that but would be keen to hear their side of things as I don’t think you are the upset DIL you make out to be

Surely you could have had the party on the Sunday? My parents are very involved with my dc,but they’d have prioritised the wedding. But I’d be gutted if my parents/pil moved 5 hours away.

You not only have to focus on the positives, you need to make sure your child has a fun and relaxed day and that you be more considerate of others, wish the grandparents well and start planning when you might see them. I hope you don't complain like this in real life. Your job is to maintain pleasant relations with your ILs so your dcs can have a nice time in future with their grandparents.

Prioritise the wedding for sure. 6 year old will be having to much fun to miss their grandparent at their party I’m sure and could even see them in the morning for card/pressie

Having accepted the wedding invitation it would now be very rude of them to decline because of a child's birthday party. Much easier for you to change the party to the Sunday if it's that important that they were there.

My parents are very close to my children and live locally but I know they would go to the wedding and arrange to see my DC another day in this situation because that's the right thing to do.

My Dad lives 5 hours away. He has a great relationship with my kids. He use to have a holiday home abroad and would be 'missing' for 10 ish weeks twice a year and it still didn't impact there relationship. He also would not prioritise their birthdays (or mine for that matter). I think we just have to accept people for who they are...

I'd do the wedding because it's a one-off occasion and if you are anything like my grandparents you have grandchild birthdays every second week.

Wedding would come first and do something special another day.

LOL: I probably wouldn’t attend a wedding in the 3 days between returning from being away for 3 weeks and moving house!

I wouldn’t move 5 hours away from grandchildren , but then my cousins live different continents away from their grown children and grandchildren, and manage to keep close living relationships.

I need to move to a new location for my retirement, and I have no idea where my kids will eventually settle for work and family (if they have one), and I wouldn’t want my location to influence their choices and prospects.

You have one set of attentive grandparents. I suspect that many maternal grandparents feel they are kept at arms length by DILs. Also that some Mums favour their DD’s children, or are closer.

Definitely prioritise wedding.

I've had this issue in the family. As soon as the wedding invite came in, I sent a note to my relative to say that I knew it was the little one's birthday and could I organise a little tea party on another time that week. Family was very chilled and little one was delighted...she got two parties.

If of course it's a big thing, like a grandchild's 21st and a party has already been booked, then this is a different scenario. But I don't think that's what you're talking about here?

I'd choose the wedding.

I also agree with a PP: you are always going to be on a road to misery if you try to insist on people being different to who they are.

It's perfectly possible to live 5 hours away and still love your grandchildren. Just as it's possible to live 5 mins away and not.

Wedding every time. My mum has never been to either of my children's parties. My inlaws have braved two at soft play. None of them were expected to attend. My own father missed every birthday of mine apart from my birth and my 21st when I was growing up. It was mostly work related but at least one was because he was running a marathon.

Also I grew up in a different country to both sets of my grandparents. Still had a good relationship with my maternal ones. Paternal was harder because my mum hated them, built one myself when I was older and I admit I think a lot less of my mum for her attitude to them.

@venus7 maybe that is what they're doing, getting away from us. Fair enough. As pp have said, they have the freedom to do what they want. Their interest in the grandchildren has changed in the past few years. They were so enthusiastic to start with. Maybe that's what's confused us.

But it does work both ways. They will also have to accept that we will have priorities too and won't always be able to go and see them when they move when they want us to. Already, there's been quite a bit of pressure on us to visit and stay with them and we can't always make those commitments. Dc with special needs and a baby. Both work and have health problems ourselves. It's not easy.

I do see it from their point of view, they want their own lives and yes, maybe more acceptance of that is needed. We can't change their interest in family. It's just different to what I've known in my family.

The wedding would take priority for me too. Maybe they could call for tea on the Sunday instead?

Pouting because your PIL have other plans and can't attend your DC's party is a bit childish really. Please don't let these unreasonable expectations spoil your relationship with them.

Grandchild would be priority for me.

I think your last line is the crux of the matter. It's hard when your family do things one way and his do them another.

I know my parents wouldnt move away from us. Having said this, my parents were always very supportive of my inlaws when I would ring them up to moan about them moving away. Mum would tell me to get on with it and that they'd done their bit by bringing my husband up.

Its not a close friend so I’d prioritise the grandchild’s birthday.