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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?

633 replies

BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 07:51

Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.

Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.

Interested to know opinions.

OP posts:
AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 21/09/2022 09:29

Porcupineintherough · 21/09/2022 09:13

Am I the only one who finds the idea of an adult having to check their availability with their adult children a bit creepy?

You're not. It's very controlling. How it would work in our family is 'dad, we're having a party on this date if you're free to come' 'sorry, we can't make it, we have plans' 'no worries, hopefully we'll catch up another time soon, have fun!'

OP sounds horribly enmeshed.

budgiegirl · 21/09/2022 09:30

It's perfectly possible to live 5 hours away and still love your grandchildren. Just as it's possible to live 5 mins away and not

This.

You say that your DC is close to these grandparents. That's good. It doesn't mean that the grandparents have to revolve their lives around your child. They've done their time child-rearing, and working. Now is their time to do what they want to do. It doesn't mean that they don't love your child. Just that he's not their main priority. He's your main priority. That's how it should be, IMO.

My parents are good grandparents, loving, but not in our pockets. My MIL is very full on, wouldn't miss a grandchilds birthday, needs to know everything about every aspect of their lives. It's a bit much, to be honest, and a bit overbearing, although I know her heart is in the right place. But it used to annoy me that we couldn't take my children anywhere without her muscling in on it.

There's a balance to be had. Sounds like your in-laws have it fairly well balanced.

blackpearwhitelilies · 21/09/2022 09:31

I'd prioritise the wedding.
It's not even a special birthday - if it was a twenty-first I might feel differently. A wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

ChnandlerBong · 21/09/2022 09:31

Wedding.

He'll have another birthday next year they can celebrate with him then. He won't even notice they're not there - you are over thinking this.

Rosehugger · 21/09/2022 09:33

I'd prioritise the wedding and assume the grandchild would be having a party with their school friends.

Summerfun54321 · 21/09/2022 09:34

So your DC will have one set of GP nearby and involved and one set of GP in a countryside location away from it all that they can visit for a change of scenery/summer holidays. That’s a perfect set up surely? As your kids get older there’s absolutely no way they’ll have time for two nearby and very involved sets of grandparents, your in-laws can probably see ahead to that stage but you can’t. Also agree if you wanted them to attend a party you should have checked they were available first.

lickenchugget · 21/09/2022 09:36

ChnandlerBong · 21/09/2022 09:31

Wedding.

He'll have another birthday next year they can celebrate with him then. He won't even notice they're not there - you are over thinking this.

If it’s the same OP who has posted repeatedly about their IL’s daring to move away to a lovely retirement, it’s clear she is personally offended by this, and won’t see it any other way. The party is the latest attempt to get anyone to agree they are out of order, when the overall consensus is always that they have their own life, can do as they please, and are not BU.

Cynderella · 21/09/2022 09:37

As a (very hands on) grandparent, I'd prioritise the wedding.

As a parent, I'd have shifted the birthday party if grandparents' attendance was so important. Lots of children have birthday parties 'around' the time of the birthday. Or maybe have a grandparents' tea one day and a children's party another day. I wouldn't be getting upset about this - there will be other (more significant) birthdays.

mum11970 · 21/09/2022 09:37

Not going the way you expected is it OP? Yet you only focus on the few that agree with you.

FarmGirl78 · 21/09/2022 09:37

Wedding.

And I call reverse.

onlythreenow · 21/09/2022 09:37

I agree the wedding. It doesn't matter if they are close friends or not, but they must be reasonably close for an invitation to have been sent. I never saw one set of grandparents on my birthdays as they lived an hour away, and didn't drive. I don't remember it blighting my life in any way.

flatpack1 · 21/09/2022 09:38

EbbyEbs · 21/09/2022 07:56

No, my grandchild would always come first

Same here.

Livpool · 21/09/2022 09:38

Scottishgirl85 · 21/09/2022 08:24

Wedding. But then I would have checked grandparent availability before arranging child's party, so it would not have been a clash.
Your in-laws are allowed to move wherever they wish!

It is on the child's birthday though - surely they know the date!

Moveoverdarlin · 21/09/2022 09:40

Some weddings are a truly lovely day. Tens of thousands are spent on country venues, high-end food and drink, catching up with old friends, chatting with new people after a fairly lonely two years. Putting on your glad rags and dancing. Even the most dedicated, loving grandparents would be mad to back track on their acceptance to a wedding for a six year olds party in their home! My six year old will be more than happy as long as granny and grandpa turn up with a present next time they come around. I would be furious if my parents turned down the chance of a lovely day in favour of a kids birthday.

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/09/2022 09:42

BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 09:25

@venus7 maybe that is what they're doing, getting away from us. Fair enough. As pp have said, they have the freedom to do what they want. Their interest in the grandchildren has changed in the past few years. They were so enthusiastic to start with. Maybe that's what's confused us.

But it does work both ways. They will also have to accept that we will have priorities too and won't always be able to go and see them when they move when they want us to. Already, there's been quite a bit of pressure on us to visit and stay with them and we can't always make those commitments. Dc with special needs and a baby. Both work and have health problems ourselves. It's not easy.

I do see it from their point of view, they want their own lives and yes, maybe more acceptance of that is needed. We can't change their interest in family. It's just different to what I've known in my family.

Show quote history

How has it changed?

They were enthusiastic grandparents. They've gotten older, they're retired and are planning a retirement life. That means being less involved but not less loving.

They've expressed a desire for you to visit and stay with them etc. That doesn't sound like them pulling away and being uninterested. That sounds like old people wanting a retired life and still being involved with their family. They will have to understand that you cannot come running and give and take is necessary, but I suspect you're going to be as difficult as possible and refuse to visit as much as you can. Because you're punishing them. You seem to think that they're doing something wrong.

They were enthusiastic grandparents. Maybe you tool advantage of that and relied on them too much. Maybe they just found being very involved too much because I sense that you put a lot of pressure on them. Maybe they just want a quiter life.

They haven't done anything wrong. Stop trying to punish them. Stop planning to punish to by refusing to visit. You really just need to get over yourself. They are not the problem in this story. You sound very much like you are.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 21/09/2022 09:42

I can't imagine ops parents getting invited to anything without her anyway so can't really make a fair comparison.

5foot5 · 21/09/2022 09:44

Of course wedding.

We never had or invited either sets of GPs to our DC birthday parties. Parties were to share with friends.

GPS lived 2 and 3 hours drive away but DC still had a loving and close relationship with them all. You don't need to live in each others pockets to achieve that.

You sound a bit nuts OP. Like you will look for any reason to find PILs wanting.

Signalbox · 21/09/2022 09:45

But it does work both ways. They will also have to accept that we will have priorities too and won't always be able to go and see them when they move when they want us to. Already, there's been quite a bit of pressure on us to visit and stay with them and we can't always make those commitments. Dc with special needs and a baby. Both work and have health problems ourselves. It's not easy.

Honestly sounds like a bit of a passive aggressive stand-off going on here.
Try lowering your expectations of other people. And don't feel obligated to meet other people's expectations. If PiL invite you to travel to their new accommodation and that is too difficult for you due to circumstances then you just say that you can't go at the moment due to circumstances. You shouldn't feel bad about that just as your PiL shouldn't feel bad about going to a wedding rather than their grandchild's birthday party. But if you start refusing invites to "punish" your PiL for their previous refusal to attend your child's birthday that's just going to further damage the poor relationship you already have with them. And it could also make things difficult for you and your DH too. Up to you.

Annoyingkidsmusic · 21/09/2022 09:45

I think this is one of those things where you choose what you’d prefer. I’d usually prioritise a wedding, but as you say it’s not a close friend, so as long you actually l want to go (& don’t feel obligated) then it’s really not a big deal to miss the child’s birthday. Take him out for a special dinner a few days later. Most birthday parties by age 6 are school friends at soft play etc anyway, grandparents aren’t often there in my experience unless it’s only a family thing at home.

LightDrizzle · 21/09/2022 09:45

Wedding.

Anonykunt · 21/09/2022 09:46

Depends on the relationship. I know my mum prioritises her grandchildren and wouldn't mind. I'd be pissed off if if the in laws did it. It wouldn't even occur to them to be present for a birthday and they'd go to a wedding without a second thought.

10HailMarys · 21/09/2022 09:47

I'd go to the wedding.

Since when was it a thing for grandparents to have to see their grandchildren on their actual birthdays every year and attend their parties?! Send a card and a present for them to open on the day and just see them whenever.

Annoyingkidsmusic · 21/09/2022 09:52

Kinderbuenos · 21/09/2022 08:03

I think you are being completely ridiculous. Your parents may be overly invested in your DC but it sounds like your in laws have a healthier approach

Show quote history

Yep, sounds like you and your parents are living in each other’s pockets tbh. Would you honestly expect adults to decline an all day wedding invite (massive cost to bride and groom hosting guests) to attend a kid’s party for a couple of hours?!

SillySausage81 · 21/09/2022 09:52

I would definitely prioritise the wedding, and I wouldn't be offended if my parents or ILs prioritised a wedding too. Weddings are rarer events, and also you usually receive the invites months before you know what's going on for a child's birthday.

And I already live 5 hours away from one set of grandparents and in a different country from the others. They both come down to see us several times a year though.

GremlinDolphin4 · 21/09/2022 09:53

Wedding definitely!