Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?

[BrocoliTrees]

Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.

Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.

Interested to know opinions.

@TiktokFamousDog I have never had anyone check a date. They send out save the dates more than a year in advance.

Didn’t actually answer the OP. 🙄

I’d choose a grandchild’s birthday over a wedding of someone I wasn’t close to.

@BigYellowElephant

jobs are not inconsequential to some of us

You keep saying that your child isn't your in-laws 'priority' as though that means they can't care about him. I don't think that it follows at all. You don't seem to like them very much and I wonder if they have picked up on that.

You must realise that your son literally won't care if they are at his birthday unless you make it so that he cares. If you tell him that they can't make it because they have a wedding to go to but they are coming another time when he can have another little celebration -it would be strange if he didn't accept that.

My six year old grandsons birthday party takes precedence over anything else including the wedding of a not close friend. Both DGS always want me at their parties. Best memories for them and me.

Wedding

A six year old wants to play with friends and eat shiploads of cake. Not hang with their grannies.

Id go to the wedding too and celebrate the kid's birthday another day

Prioritise the wedding but make sure the grandchild got a present and a phonecall.

Children's parties are for their parents and school friends, not family members.

I think it is time you drink some "the world doesnt revolve around your kid" juice

Grow up op.

@LuckySantangelo35 I think it would be very unusual for someone to have no other option for work other than to move far away from their children to live. Most people who do that its to advance their career or for an exciting opportunity- to me that would be inconsequential compared to living close to my kids and being part of their day to day lives. Obviously everyone's different and it seems me and my mum are in the minority which is fine. I'd never hold my kids back if they wanted to live somewhere else, it's just not something I'd ever choose from my side

Lol I don't even invite grandparents to the kids bday parties 🙃 or any adults really, our parties are always at a softplay/arcade centre with a kids meal option, I invite my child's whole class, I tell parents as they arrive they can leave if they want that me and dp will look after their child, majority take us up on this, ... grandparents will do their own thing with child, eg cake, balloons, gifts at a family dinner on a later date ... parties are for kids, Lord knows I get a headache from it all I wouldn't want their grandparents suffering through the noise and chaos ... so in this case I'd wish them a great day out at the wedding 😊

The wedding is a one off. Kids have a birthday every year. It would be the wedding for me.

You do realise your children will grow up and may not all want you as part of their day to day lives. Not everyone wants to spend their entire life in one area, and indeed property prices can ensure they don't.

I’d go to the wedding! Because birthdays happen every year. Because there’ll be loads of people for DGC to play with. Because I’d visit another time and treat them. Because friends are important too.

@BigYellowElephant

exactly this

you’d be gutted if you had me as a daughter - at 29 I moved over 2.5 hour drive away from my parents

Sorry, I'm guessing it's not the answer you want, but wedding trumps birthday. Unless it's literal birth, one, sixteen, eighteen, twenty one, zeros, a wedding wins.

Goodness me. I’d go to a wedding any day over any 6th birthday party!
can’t they come and say happy birthday another day?

That wouldn’t help if a date clashed with something like a birthday or holiday or work schedule that couldn’t be changed. You can’t save a date if it’s already got something saved to it.

@LuckySantangelo35 and @Iwantmyoldnameback maybe they will and I'll support that choice, but its not a choice I'd make. My family are very close and we like it this way. My mum and auntie in particular are a huge part of my life and know all of my friends. Me and my sister are inseparable. We are close with cousins and meet up regularly. My kids love growing up in a tight knit family but the younger ones in particular - who knows if they will feel differently in 20 years and want to live elsewhere. Everyone is different but I dont think me wanting to stay close to my children is particularly strange or out of the ordinary.

Wedding. Primarily because kids parties are tediously boring.

Plus, I have 11 grandchildren. No way I’m doing 11 of the damned things.

If the situation was different, I don't think I would get bothered about them not being at dc's birthday. But dh and I are feeling confused and a bit hurt by how they've been this year. They can be lovely inlaws and devoted grandparents but it's totally on their terms. When they see us, it's when THEY want to. In the past weve laughed because they'll contsct us on a cold rainy day and its so obvious they've got nothing on that day. Most of the time, I always feel like them seeing us is not what they really want to be doing. Mil always looks through her crammed filled diary to see when she can fit us in. I'm not saying they shouldn't have their own lives or that their world should revolve round us but we're very much not on their radar at all anymore I feel. However, their daughter is treated quite differently. They often secretly take her and her partner on holidays, days out, meals out, etc and the first we see of it is on social media. It's clear that they want to see them over us. I know why, we're hard work for them just because we have young children, a son with special needs and health issues ourselves. We come with baggage, their daughter doesn't. I'm pretty sure this has been a factor behind the move too.

They want a different life away from family when they move, that's fine. Maybe it will all work out. I honesty hope they'll be happy. But despite what pps have said on here, a long distance relationship with grandparents is never going to be the same. They spent a lot of time with ds in the his few couple of years, then covid happened and that's when things really changed. With baby daughter, she already doesn't know them as well as doesn't want to be picked up by mil. But she is very close and secure with my parents because they see her regularly.

I can't change what's happening. I suppose I just don't want my children to feel like their grandparents are only there for them with it suits them. I kind of wish they'd been detached from the start instead of lovely, supportive and involved. It's the change in attitude that's been hard to deal with.

Sorry for such a long message. I take everything out on mumsnet. All my negative, mixed up feelings. Sorry.

@Iwantmyoldnameback I also haven't lived my whole life in one area. I went away to university for 4 years, I lived abroad for a year and did some travelling. But I chose to settle down where my family is. I have a savings account for my girls which I hope they use to travel the world, and yes maybe they will want to live permanently elsewhere, god knows this country doesnt have much to offer. They might move away from me and that's absolutely fine. I just won't ever move away from them.

@BrocoliTrees I get you, it's hurtful. But it honestly seems like you'll be better off without them - if there's other grandchildren being favoured the kids will notice and it's damaging to them, as I'm sure it is to your husband too. I would just try to detatch as much as possible- a long distance grandparent relationship can still be lovely but it takes a lot more work and effort that it doesn't sound like they will make

I really can't see the big deal with missing a party for such a genuine reason. There are multiple ways to celebrate a birthday.

@BrocoliTrees I can understand, with your DS's SN, the new baby, perceived differences in treatment between your DH and his sister that it's really not just about the move for you.

But in the nicest possible way, you're making this worse for yourself by dwelling on every single thing.

It's entirely normal to prioritise a wedding over a child's birthday. It's tough to be an older carer.

Your children will be exactly as traumatised by this as you tell them they should be. Mine are adored by one set of local grandparents, and barely know the other, distant set. They accept it as no big deal because that's how we present it to them.