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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you prioritise your grandchild's birthday?

633 replies

BrocoliTrees · 21/09/2022 07:51

Would you choose going to a friend's wedding (not close friends) over your grandchild's 6th birthday party? Even if the wedding invite came first, knowing the date of your grandchild's birthday, would you check to see what would be happening for their birthday? Being a Saturday too.

Bit more context... what if you would also be moving to another part of the country from said grandchild the following week.

Interested to know opinions.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 21/09/2022 09:53

I'd go to the wedding. As long as the birthday was acknowledged with a card and present.

sunshinesupermum · 21/09/2022 09:54

Grandchild's birthday every time, especially if you are moving away. I guess any Grans on Mumsnet would say the same while younger mums would prioritise wedding?

44PumpLane · 21/09/2022 09:56

YABU, 100% wedding.

I say that as parent to twins who will soon turn 6 and am currently encouraging my parents to go on holiday so they can see other members of family they haven't seen for a while....their holiday would be over my children's 6th birthday, it's just not at all a big deal, it's just a nothing.

Also if you're that bothered....have a birthday celebration with them, for your child before they go on holiday. Sorted.

Doesn't matter if it's several weeks in advance, you explain to your child it's the time the grandparents could manage and isn't it fun to have pre birthday celebrations!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 21/09/2022 09:56

Would you really miss a friends wedding for your child's birthday? I feel like a bit of a crap mom because I wouldn't consider not going to the wedding.

SillySausage81 · 21/09/2022 09:58

Moveoverdarlin · 21/09/2022 09:40

Some weddings are a truly lovely day. Tens of thousands are spent on country venues, high-end food and drink, catching up with old friends, chatting with new people after a fairly lonely two years. Putting on your glad rags and dancing. Even the most dedicated, loving grandparents would be mad to back track on their acceptance to a wedding for a six year olds party in their home! My six year old will be more than happy as long as granny and grandpa turn up with a present next time they come around. I would be furious if my parents turned down the chance of a lovely day in favour of a kids birthday.

Good point, this might be their first time seeing lots of friends since before Covid. I know the first wedding I went to after Covid felt like the social equivalent of coming up for air after being underwater thinking you were drowning. I could not begrudge anyone that.

They can give the child their card and present and see them on another day. I really would not see missing a kid's party as a big deal.

5zeds · 21/09/2022 09:58

Wedding

SparrowsNest · 21/09/2022 09:58

BonjourBonheur · 21/09/2022 07:52

I’d prioritise the wedding and do something special with the child another day. Birthdays are less important than weddings- you literally get one every year.

This. Simple solution and no need for any drama!

darklady64 · 21/09/2022 09:59

Cynderella · 21/09/2022 09:37

As a (very hands on) grandparent, I'd prioritise the wedding.

As a parent, I'd have shifted the birthday party if grandparents' attendance was so important. Lots of children have birthday parties 'around' the time of the birthday. Or maybe have a grandparents' tea one day and a children's party another day. I wouldn't be getting upset about this - there will be other (more significant) birthdays.

This.
Especially if the wedding invitation came first.

Actually thinking about it, we never expected either set of grandparents to come for the kids parties - sort of assumed they would rather see the grandkids without a screaming hoarde of sugared-up kids around - and they never expected to come.
And as for moving away, my parents moved considerably further away than 5 hours, and yet the kids had a better relationship with them than the other grandparents, so go figure. I think you're looking for something to be upset about tbh.

user375242 · 21/09/2022 10:00

My kids grandparents only really came to the age 1-3 birthday parties when they are smaller and mostly family. Once they were school age and they became louder and bigger I gave them a pass! I say they are welcome to come but not to feel like they have to, because they will be loud and stressful and the kids won't have time to spend with them anyway. They always choose to see them another time the same week as their birthday. Unless grandparents are helping with food/entertainment I see no reason for them to attend a 6 year olds party. Certainly wouldn't expect them to turn down a wedding invite for one!

SillySausage81 · 21/09/2022 10:00

In fact, I've just remembered a wedding I went to a few years ago where two of the guests were missing their own daughter's first birthday 😂 But it was a close friend, and they celebrated the kid's birthday the following weekend. I very much doubt the kid was traumatised.

sheepdogdelight · 21/09/2022 10:01

A 6 year old's birthday party either focuses around them seeing friends.

Or it focuses on mostly being a family party.

In the first case, grandparents are not important and may be entirely ignored if they do come.

In the second case, you make sure you pick a date when everyone can come!

This seems to be neither case.

Organising a date for a family party and insisting that everyone will turn up because your children must be the priority is a rather controlling attitude.

MissingNashville · 21/09/2022 10:01

10HailMarys · 21/09/2022 09:47

I'd go to the wedding.

Since when was it a thing for grandparents to have to see their grandchildren on their actual birthdays every year and attend their parties?! Send a card and a present for them to open on the day and just see them whenever.

At age 6, very normal in loving families, especially if they live near in my experience. I don’t have contact with my parents but when children in our family had their birthdays, all the rest of the family came together for it when they were little. I have a close group of friends and always saw their kids on their birthdays when they were younger as well. Different people prioritise different things but a wedding of a not close friend, whatever that is, an acquaintance? would never be more important to any of us.

NCFT0922 · 21/09/2022 10:02

Prioritise the wedding. Your child has a birthday every year and they can celebrate with them another day.

Kitsmummy · 21/09/2022 10:02

I think you need to get a grip

beachcitygirl · 21/09/2022 10:03

Absolutely not.

Wedding much more important. It's
A) a one off
B) invite will be accepted & bride has numbers organised
C) it's not a "big birthday "
S) a different day to make huge fuss of grandchild won't make any difference whatsoever

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/09/2022 10:03

Wedding. Birthdays can easily be celebrated another day and in fact sometimes works better for kids who get overwhelmed on their birthday. Weddings can't.

Wishyfishy · 21/09/2022 10:04

All family dynamics are different. My parents and my ILs have not generally been there on my DC’s birthdays, I don’t expect them to. If it’s normal for you to do so however and they come to celebrate your child’s birthday every single year and this one is the exception, then yes I can see why you’d be annoyed.

TolkiensFallow · 21/09/2022 10:05

Wedding definitely

WildfellAnne · 21/09/2022 10:05

Never heard of grandparents attending their grandchildren’s birthdays. That’s really not normal in my experience. Maybe if they live close by it might be different. My grandparents lived a long way from me as a child, and my parents and DH’s parents live a long way from us. DH thinks the idea of children’s birthday parties per se very odd - he never had one as a child; it just wasn’t the done thing in his (very well off) family.

beachcitygirl · 21/09/2022 10:06

Why would you arrange a party on the day you know they are going to a wedding ? You are being the unreasonable one here unless there is a massive drip feed

Iwantmyoldnameback · 21/09/2022 10:07

Who says they aren't close friends anyway? It's not normal to invite casual aquantances to an all day wedding.

slowquickstep · 21/09/2022 10:07

I live hundreds of miles from my Grandchildren, i don't love them any less because i don't see them on their birthdays. If i did live close by i would still choose the wedding.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/09/2022 10:08

EbbyEbs · 21/09/2022 07:56

No, my grandchild would always come first

@EbbyEbs

omg it’s a wedding!!

you absolutely prioritise the wedding

the child will have loads more birthdays but friend will only have one wedding hopefully

beachcitygirl · 21/09/2022 10:08

I missed most of my own daughter 3rd birthday to go to best pal wedding
. She didn't have a clue, did it the next day (the Sunday ) instead. No biggie

You sound really hard work op

suzyscat · 21/09/2022 10:08

I'd go the wedding unless I didn't particularly want to/ couldn't afford it.

Celebrate the birthday separately another time. I don't expect my parents or in laws to come to a room full of snotty kids for 2 hours of madness. (Though they sometimes did pre covid, there was no expectation.)