ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

Yes, and she chooses not to keep it. Why shouldn't she have that choice?

I'd definitely be keeping my married name if I divorced. It's foreign and really cool! I've had it the same amount of time as I had my first surname, but I was a child for most of that one. My current name is my adult identity and, crucially, I chose to use it, unlike my birth name, which makes it all the more mine.

Not likely to divorce any time soon, and doubt DH would care what I did anyway.

Of course she can choose to take her husband's name when she gets married. It's an anti-feminist choice, but it's still her choice

It’s not an issue for women who don’t change their name on marriage either.

But why should a woman advertise her marital status that way, especially after a long marriage?

It's as bad as using Miss or Mrs.

That question was to Iwonder

This.

I mean tbfh I changed my name the day after I kicked my ex out way before divorce proceedings I didn't want any association with him!!

Not really, I got married young, I had graduated 2 years before and was working 'jobs' rather than a 'career'. It would be very different to change my name now than to change my name then.

But that wasn't really the point I was making anyway. The point I was making was that women without children have ever right to make the exact same decision as women with children. We aren't suddenly second class citizens who get to be dictated to because we don't have children.

Well, she clearly didn't mind advertising it when she got married and change her name from her maiden name to her married name.

Excellent! A good way to wind up an XH🤣

This.. my ex now changed his surname 🤣

In regards to professional capacity - I know quite a few women who successfully managed it without any issues. LinkedIn can be kept as is but more often the old name can be kept for a while in () after the maiden name. It is done very often, people got used to it.

Why should only women have to o this? And why should "people" have to get used to it if OP is happy to retain her current name?

That should be "Why should only women have to do this?"

Are you amused? Or just confused?

When I changed my name on marriage I was young and it was easy, just a matter of getting a new passport and a few phone calls. On divorce, I was 20 years older and had worked, published in that name for 2 decades, was well known in my industry by that name, and it would have been both very difficult and time consuming, and professionally stupid, to have changed my name back at that time. Plus I didn't want to.

What "psychology" do you imagine is around that?

I'm on the other side of this, DPs ExW is still Mrs xxxx. They have 2 children. Dp and I are expecting our first and I really struggle with the idea that I will be Mrs DP2. For context though, DPs ExW had an affair so I don't know if that clouds my judgement

I'm amazed by how many posters are asking why the OP even wants to keep the name. She explained very clearly in her first post!

Its none of his business but I think its odd to keep it if you don't have kids.

I changed me name back easily enough - why would I want my ex's last name? Regret changing it the first time frankly.

I kept my married name on divorce for professional reasons and also to keep the same name as dc (now over 18) however, I'm getting married again and will change it to DPs name, because it would be weird to keep my own name when it's exH name. I know it's also my name and I don't have to but I will.

So for me not changing my name on divorce was just kicking the can down the road.

Is it anti-feminist if she happens to dislike her birth name and likes the husband's surname?

These name change threads always stir up a lot of trouble. What really makes me laugh is the women who only keep their name to piss off their ex and 'new wife'. Why would a new wife be in the least bit interested in what their husband's ex is called? I'm pretty sure that that woman in my situation has done that, she can call herself whatever she pleases, she's still the ex and completely insignificant. OP call yourself whatever you want.

Why would a new wife be in the least bit interested in what their husband's ex is called?

I can't speak for everyone but, in my case, it was because the second wife a deeply weird woman. The name thing was the least of her tantrums.

a pp just above you said she hates that her husbands ex still has the name. Ask her?

He is absolutely free to change his own name if he doesn't want the same sun and as you but he doesn't get to decide what you call yourself.

I don't detest my ex, he's one of my best friends. And my DC have that surname so I'd have to 'see it all the time', anyway. Why would I hate my DC's surname?? And hardly feminist to think you should have certain names based on your marriage status!