ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

Pathetic why? When you’ve built up a professional reputation in that name, people know you by that name, why is it pathetic to keep that name?

It's funny how many people are very clear that their married name is their name, not their husband's, but still refer to the name they were given from birth as their father's, not their own 🤔

Because it is my name.... right now. No one elses.

Fair enough you didn't change your surname

However I am not convinced its feminist to think its right that women can spend years building up a professional reputation under one name and then be expected to change that name merely because they have got divorced.

I changed my name on marriage because my family were horribly abusive, and I wanted to cut all ties with them. In my case even if I got divorced I would want to keep my newer surname because there is no way I would go back to my previous surname. The only exception would be if I came up with a new surname which was 'mine' and I changed it by deed poll.

But everyone's circumstances are different and its not feminist to insist women should or shouldn't do something depending on their marital status.

Tell him you're going to marry a new guy, make him take the name, then have some kids and give them the name. Not only will you not give it back, you'll take it more! 😛

This is the kind of misogyny that’s all about mens rights. It’s not about “ sharing a name together as a family “ as so many of them claim.

Its about a man stamping his brand ownership on her, then demanding she change her name yet again to suit him.

Despite all the rhetoric, it never was THEIR family / shared name, it was his name, to give and take as he pleases.

Please do explain , how long does it take for a woman to own a name in her own right ? 20 years? 30 years ?

Do you have to be 70 before you have the right to call yourself what you like?

Some mothers want to change the surname of their young children and are told that they can’t “ because it’s the child’s identity “. When does a woman get to identify with her name?

Telling women what they should or shouldn't do in certain circumstances, and criticising their choices isn't exactly feminist, now is it?

Tell him it's not Highlander, there can be more than one.

My career is every bit as important as a woman with childrens, I am assuming the same is true for the OP, who has said she has built a professional reputation under this name. How very pathetic to think the careers of women without children are worth so little. What a strange choice.

YANBU I've kept my married name too. I prefer it to my maiden name and have had my married name almost longer than my maiden name. It is also my DC's surname. I've told my current partner I will keep it if we ever get married, he wasn't overly keen, but I said I don't mind being referred to as his surname in the rare situation we are together and that comes up. But legally I will keep my current surname.

I'll give you one better. I've been separated from my ex-H for years, but never got divorced. I was dating a bloke whose mum then kicked up a fuss because I was still technically married and still have my married name. Even if I was divorced I'd still use that surname, as I don't want to have to change it, because it's my name now. Gladly that relationship didn't last very long. 😁

I ended the marriage 3 years ago, he was intolerable. He took it awfully and the whole divorce process has been lengthy and messy due to his childish behaviour. He may well be in another relationship by now.

Love it

A short, sharp, 'Duly noted. The matter is now closed,' is all you need if he continues to throw a tantrum.

I kept my married name, which was the surname of the DCs. ExH insisted I had changed it and went so far as to send me child support cheques in my maiden name, which I couldn't negotiate. Post divorce court judge gave a little head tilt and told him off.

I’m keeping my married name after divorce partly because I want the same name as my children but also because I’m a lawyer and don’t want to announce to my clients and colleagues that I’m getting divorced by changing it. It would likely seriously affect by career to change it.

Oooh I love it when men get annoyed when the ex wife keeps THEIR surname! And it's even more delicious when the new wife is annoyed by it.

Petty, moi?

@NCsurname Keep YOUR surname, it's feck-all to do with your ex!

I wouldn't respond in future.

You have no kids with him so there is no need to speak to him or communicate in any way. Block and ignore

When I said THEIR surname, I meant as in it belongs to THEM - both of them. It's HER name (now) when they get married.

YANBU.

I kept my married name for nearly 10 post split, I only changed it recently on marriage.

I wasn't overly keen on my maiden name, but mainly I'd just recieved a new passport, and name changes are a pain in the arse. So I didn't bother.

The side piece married him quick fast on divorce so there were 2 Mrs X's at one point. Bet she hated that.

Wasn’t your birth name yours as well though?

@TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael

Yes, there is an easy way to avoid hassle and that is to keep your maiden name, of course.

But what the OP experienced is abuse, which is the choice of the abuser.

My guess is if he didn't have a surname issue to throw a tantrum over, he would find something else.

Did you not have a career when you changed your name the first time?

Why should a woman who has built up a career in which she is known professionally by her married name have to go through all the hassle of changing it? It's not as if this is a unique name, so it doesn't have to be associated with twat ex. I'd keep my married name just because it comes in the middle of the alphabet and my maiden name is at the end, which can be a pain in the neck for various reasons.

Talking about misogyny.. It isn't feminist at all to take husband's name and then cling to it after the divorce. Nobody mentioned she has no right to keep it. OP has every right in the world to take his name, keep it, take another man's name or change it to whatever she likes. The man has no right to demand either taking his name or getting rid of it. I still think the choice is strange.
In regards to professional capacity - I know quite a few women who successfully managed it without any issues. LinkedIn can be kept as is but more often the old name can be kept for a while in () after the maiden name. It is done very often, people got used to it.

Not everyone "detests" their ex's. I don't. We are actually still friends. Also, I "see that name all the time" as it's also my children's surnames so even if I changed mine back, I would still see it all the time.