ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

It worked for Tina Turner.

Yes, but what does "feminism" mean?
the belief in social, economic, and political equality of the sexes

Ok, so how is me choosing which of the names legally available to me anti that? You can't just say it is, no argument.

I changed my name on marriage for several reasons, none of which was anti-feminist. You can't decide for me that it was.

Do you think that the fact that 90% of British women change their name on marriage while fewer than 1% of men do so, represents equality or inequality?

I'm going into a meeting now but happy to come back later & provide more detailed background on how and why women taking their husband's name is exactly in opposition to the definition of feminism you quoted there @LongLivedQueen

In the meantime here's a good article
thestack.world/news/society/people/why-do-so-many-women-still-change-their-last-name-when-they-marry-1623841452004

However much you believe your personal reasons were not opposed to feminism, the act of taking your husband's name is an anti-feminist act. The article posted above is really good and detailed.

Detailed yes, good...not si much.

Theres a lot of bullshit in that opinion piece. An opinion piece which in no sense "proves" your point. It's actually quite insulting at times, and rather patronising.

Perhaps you have something better you can proffer?

Equality =/= sameness. Feminism isn't about being the same as men. It doesn't matter if different amounts of men and women do a particular thing

99% of people who knit, or who wear dresses and makeup are probably women, but would you seek to discourage this behaviour because men don't do it? I presume not, because it really doesn't matter. Nor does it matter what name a woman chooses. If women were required by law to change their name on marriage that would be outrageous. But they're not.

If the abusive messages were on linked in itself rather than he messaged you after looking at linked then report him as being abusive when you block him

An interesting overview of the English history of surnames. Not overly representative of the history of all women on the site though.

Including me. My grandparents immigrated to the UK. Nevertheless, it's a really good article and answers many of the points raised in this thread.

I'm (a) working (b) not being paid to write it and (c) have posted many times on this thread.

You're entitled to your opinion that participating in a patriarchal and misogynist tradition that perpetuates inequality between men and women isn't necessarily an anti-feminist act.

I'm entitled to my opinion that it is.

I don't think you're at all interested in thinking about it or debating it though, and I have to do work now, so I'm leaving it there.

Do you think that there is no power differential between men and women?

Why do you think the overwhelming majority of men would absolutely refuse to consider changing their name to their wife's?

I liked this bit:

Women have fought and died for the rights we now have the privilege of taking for granted – the right to vote, get an education, own property, to name but a few – and with a long way yet to go before we reach gender parity, do we not owe it to the women who came before us, and to the women who will come after us, to continue challenging the male-centricity of the status quo?
That means challenging the ideas and assumptions that continue to bake in misogynistic power structures into our everyday lives.
Changing one’s last name may seem innocuous enough, but these small, symbolic gestures towards the dominance of men, these reminders as to the prioritization of their rights and powers and identity over ours, add up. They accumulate like lots of thin threads to compose a larger tapestry in which men remain the primary colour.

You wrote the opinion piece you linked to?

You're entitled to your opinion that participating in a patriarchal and misogynist tradition that perpetuates inequality between men and women isn't necessarily an anti-feminist act.I'm entitled to my opinion that it is

This presupposes that you have shown that is IS patriarchal and misogynistic as a matter of fact. You have not. Your opinion hangs on an unproven premise.

I'm interested in debating someone who knows how to.

For me feminism is not about challenging and dismantling patriarchal systems. It's about women. Women's rights, women's opportunities and women's freedom to exercise their equal rights in society.

Well yes there is a power differential; not sure how I suggested otherwise in my post. The disparity is not best overcome by women becoming more like men though... I certainly don't want women becoming more violent, for example. It's far better to tackle real, damaging discrimination and discrepancies in opportunity and fairness as and when they occur, rather than perpetually tilt at the windmill of a perceived invisible enemy, the patriarchy.

the overwhelming majority of men would absolutely refuse to consider changing their name to their wife's

Says who? As with your "women are declaring themselves inferior by taking husband's name" (paraphrasing) claim above, you are, yet again, presenting your opinion as fact. Whilst most men don't change their name, I doubt they'd "absolutely refuse" to even consider it.

There is a historic and cultural precedent for women changing their name, which is why many may choose do so. People are creatures of habit and enjoy traditions: they decorate Christmas trees, wear a white dress to to get married in. It's probably just kinda fun to change your name, too, and easy when others are expecting it. There is no such tradition or precedent for men.

There are also the many other reasons that women on here have outlined and explained many times over on this thread.

I enjoyed the opinion piece. Light and entertaining, contained some interesting historical slants, and also touched upon some serious points.

I might well give Natalie Hayes's book a whirl. Her work looks fascinating: makes a refreshing change to see classicism combined with her brand of humour.

"But I'm pissed on account of women who do exercise the choice to take their husbands' names (and no one needs to justify why), also being assumed to have these names as some form of loan which must be handed back in the event of the dissolving of the marriage." Like handing back the ring if an engagement is broken?
OhamIreally; did he address the envelope to "not-your-name? I'd have marked it NOT KNOWN HERE and returned it.

@sueelleker he did yes, and I was tempted to do just that. I did confront him over text, I can't recall his response, something along the lines of it was a "joke" - the universal response of a man who has crossed a woman's boundary and been pulled up on it.

Meh you’re either using one patrilineal name or another, I don’t think it makes any odds.

I’m more concerned with Mrs/Miss. We should ditch both for Ms tbh.

I agree, swapping one man's name for another.

This offensive stance implies women don't have any names at all, and have no ability to ever claim one.

My name is MY name. It's not my husbands, ex-husbands, fathers, mothers, or anyone elses. It is MINE.

And that remains the case if you choose to change it, whatever your reason for making that choice.

Why is a man’s name “ his name “ and a woman’s name is “ her fathers name”?

Also none of the ‘traditionalists’ have answered the question I asked up thread which was how long a woman has to use a name before it belongs to her ?

Children are often given their father's name in the UK because it helps him and society recognise their children as him being the father.

However it becomes stupid when you have friends' and acquaintances, like I do, who whether they are married/civil partnership/not married give children their names for various reasons.

The traditionalists then claim the children are being given their grandfathers or great-grandfather's name.

And if you double barrel, even if your name comes from a country where that is the norm, you are apparently giving your child their father's and grandfather's/great-grandfather's name.