ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

There's nothing new whatsoever about a woman being considered her father's property, and then her husband's. That change of ownership is indicated by the change of name.

There's nothing new about women being secondary within marriage, either. It was legal for a man to rape his wife until 1991. Married women lost most of their rights until the 19th/20th century, including the right to own property or get divorced.

Marriage is a deeply, deeply patriarchal and unequal institution in which women have always been treated as secondary.

So no, there's nothing new about it at all.

What's new about it is that some women have fought quite hard over the past few decades to try to challenge those embedded systems of inequality, and the things that symbolise them - like women taking their husband's name when they get married.

What she does now in terms of keeping or not keeping her ex-husband's name is pretty irrelevant to feminism, I think. I think she should/can do whatever she wants to. It's the changing the name in the first place that I think is a mistake.

For the record, I don't believe that whether or not a woman has children should have any bearing at all on what she does with her name when she gets divorced.

As I've said, my opinion is that women should keep their own names, and give their children their names. Let men worry about all this shit for a change.

If he wasn't stalking you on SM he wouldn't have this problem. Live your life op, it's obviously killing him.

Taking your husband's name on marriage is perpetuating the patriarchy, without a doubt. And I don't think a single person has suggested that women shouldn't be able to make that choice if they want to - just that they could acknowledge that it isn't a feminist choice or a choice that supports the cause of women's rights and equality.

I am keeping my ex husband's name because of my feminists views.

Why not suggest to ExH that he could change his own name; you have a maiden one you don't need or use any more and he's welcome to it.

Personally I think its about time we considered whether surnames are actually relevant and necessary at all. After all having two John Smith's or Jane William's is neither more or less confusing than two Jane Rose's or John David's. Why not just give all children 2 or 3 names which are theirs and forget surnames altogether? That would also resolve the issue for people like me who don't want my families name as they were abusive, why not have just 'my' names.

I would do away with titles too personally. Why does it matter if I am a Miss, Mrs, Ms, Lady etc etc. It's irrelevant just get rid of them.

Despite how far we've come legally and socially, you have told women today that they are secondary to their husband, second class citizens, property, if they chose to change their names on marriage. What is the feminist intent behind your statements?

Bloody hell, do we need to consider whether every choice we make perpetuates the patriarchy and/or supports the cause of women’s rights and equality?
How exhausting and tedious. Sometimes we just have to get on and do what suits us and our families best.

People saying change your name back seem to have no understanding of what a name means to an author, journalist, lawyer, academic, researcher, actor/musician even now influencers etc - not to diss those in other works of life but where the name in which you made your name counts to your reputation, audience, fellows or public. To say nothing of women who just don't want to, or want to have same name as their children.

Interestingly in law it's your first name that counts. Having not changed my surname I've used my nickname for so long on financial documents it'll take a long time to unpick!

eh? You asked what would we do about children that was not problematic and I said name them after their mother. In the vast majority of cases she will be the main caregiver.

No. I have told them that they have declared themselves the secondary person in the marriage by doing this. I don't consider women to be inferior to men. I don't consider that women should subsume their identity into their husband's. I hope that the next generation of women will be encouraged to take a step back and not just automatically perpetuate this structure in which they are the second-class citizens within their own marriages.

Isn’t it funny that so many women on these threads have names that are so difficult to spell? Strange that not the same incidence of this for men.

I don't think that considering whether or not to change your name when you get married is a particularly 'exhausting and tedious' thing to have to do, in the context of all the other decisions and planning that go along with getting married.

And considering that not changing your name requires you to do precisely NOTHING, and costs NOTHING in terms of time or money, I don't think that it is really very realistic to think of it as the 'exhausting and tedious' option.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Apparently 95% of British women have names that are either

• too common and boring
• too difficult to spell/pronounce
• too long and complicated
• too short and characterless

And only 1% of British men do. Amazing discrepancy!

Nor I. In fact I would wager that it’s less admin to keep your existing name. Or if you want to change it, change it to something that’s you have actually chosen, that’s truly yours. Not just someone else’s that you married.

Of course plenty, probably most, who change their names do so because it is just custom. But that doesn't mean that, if the marriage doesn't last, they can't make an informed, non-patriarchal choice as to which name they want to use for the rest of their lives.

I don't think, once you've taken your husband's name, that it makes any real difference what you do once you get divorced.

I hope that more women will read threads like these and think a bit harder before they just do the 'expected' thing.

Yeah, what I actually wrote was that having to “consider whether every choice we make” etc. was tedious, not that that one individual choice was.

The only place that women have declared themselves the secondary person in their marriage, second class citizens and property is in your head.

Back in reality they've had a think and a discussion and made the decision to change their name. Not a decision to become second class citizens or relinquish their rights.

So, do you think they're all lying? This is a pathetic and tedious argument and always presented as some smug "gotcha".

To be fair making a choice to change your name to the same name as your husband is a pretty significant and deliberate choice that is not at all necessary to make. If you really” couldn’t be bothered with it all” you could just do nothing.

Apparently 97% of statistics are made up.

Yeah I think it is unlikely that there is such a huge discrepancy in the complexity etc of men and womens names.