ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

Going against the grain here but I think it’s really weird when women keep their exes names and I can only imagine it’s a way to try and hold on to the marriage, hoping that one day it will work out.

I know I’m not the only one who thinks like that but they’d probably never say it to your face to spare your feelings.

If someone is thankful of a divorce and completely over their ex partner, then they’d want to have no ties to them at all.

Keeping their name is one of the biggest ties there is and is used solely as a way to hold on to their marriage, especially when you don’t have kids.

Why are you having such difficulty in understanding that some women change their name, not because it is expected, but because they want to? I'm aware I didn't have to change my name but I wanted to, not in deference to him, but because I preferred his name to mine.

You're right, I misremembered slightly. It's 90% not 95%

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200921-why-do-women-still-change-their-names

Lying is a strong word. But I do think most women who change their names on marriage do so because “it’s the done thing” and they then try and retrofit that with fluff reasons.

So you think that 9 out of 10 British women change their names when they get married, but less than 1 out of 10 men do, because they prefer their husband's name?

Don't you think that's a bit of a strange discrepancy?

nonsense.

I've not changed mine because I had small children and I wanted the same surname as them, it's now my name and I don't want to change it back as I prefer it to my original one which was a ridiculous combination with my first name. CBA to make up a new one.

so, you're wrong.

I think people that make your kind of judgement are lacking in any kind of common sense and ability to think.

I think reality though changing your name to your husbands is generally an indication that you don’t see yourself as equal in the marriage. I agree with @BloodAndFire - I hope the next generation won’t perpetuate this.

So, you admit that you think they are lying. Nice.

But it's pretty obvious, surely, that not all of the choices we make in life are so closely tied to questions of feminism, equality, patriarchy, and so on, as whether or not you take your husband's name when you get married?

Surely that one is pretty near the top in terms of choices you make in life which are heavily loaded in terms of sex/gender roles?

And again - you don't actually have to consider it at all if you find it 'tedious'. You can just literally do nothing about it, and nothing will happen. Your name will remain your name.

Choosing to change it is choosing to create more demands on yourself.

Ha!
I'm still using my ex husband's surname (feck, it's my name now, I've had it so long), forty-six years after we split.
He died.
His dad died.
His sister married.
My dd married and took her husband's name.
There's only me and the ex's mum left who have that name, and we don't speak to each other. Oh, and Wife 3. We don't speak, either.
Do what you want, OP. People don't 'own' names.

No, I didn't want to hold on to the marriage, or to him. It was just straightforward to keep it and have the same name as my child.

“I think” . Why would you think this? Have you ever actually met a married woman who has told you that she sees herself as not equal to her husband? There’s no “generally” about it.

That's not true, though. It is a public act. As this entire thread demonstrates. A name is something that other people use to address you.

Taking your husband's name IS making a public declaration about your own subordinate status within your marriage, and your conformity to the patriarchal system.

There is a reason that almost no men at all do this, and that the overwhelming majority of women do it.

If it was nothing to do with being second-class, or submitting, or ownership, the numbers doing it would be roughly equal. They are NOWHERE near equal. That in and of itself tells you it's not a choice made in a vacuum.

1. I have met plenty. Have you encountered the 'tradwife' phenomenon at all?
2. Individual women don't have to declare that they see themselves as subordinate to their husbands. If they have taken his name and become "Mrs Joe Bloggs", then they have publicly and unequivocally declared it by doing that.

That is your and @BloodAndFire's (and others) judgement of women. So own it.🤷‍♀️ Don't pretend it's feminism.

I don't know you'll have to ask them...but many on this thread have said that they preferred their married name to their birth name yet you seem to believe that we are all lying about why we do it. Your insistence that women should keep "their" name when they get married is no different IMO to those who insist we change it to our husband's.

so, you're wrong.

I think people that make your kind of judgement are lacking in any kind of common sense and ability to think.

Ok if you say so.

They don’t necessarily have to tell you for you to see it. Anyway- have you ever seen those “trad wives”? How many of them keep their names? Or have their husbands change theirs.

women changing their names to their husbands is rooted in our deeply unequal patriarchal culture (at least in the uK). People who go along with that tend to consider themselves unequal to men to a greater or lesser extent.

Oh well then - clearly 90% of womens names must be awful. There could be no other explanation why so many women change their names (as per the patriarchal norm) and so few men do.

also @TimBoothseyes no one is insisting that women do anything on this thread. Just that changing your name to your husbands is not a feminist choice but a tradition rooted in patriarchy.

A name is something others use to address you.

Yes, and everyone should be addressed by the name they choose. Because a name is very personal to the owner. Each woman has her own relationship with her name that is not for you to judge.

Pointing out that something is part of a very long-lasting system of patriarchy in which women have always been second-class citizens isn't "judging"

It's a political analysis - it's not a personal judgement on any individual.

I would never want to force any woman to make any decision. I would love it if more women were more aware of the context and consequences of those decisions, and if more women were willing/keen to step back and think objectively about them.

a name is such a personal thing, agreed. so why would you just adopt someone else’s?

as above no one is saying that women don’t have the freedom to make non feminist choices. But they remain non feminist. And of course we can judge patriarchal behavior at a societal level on an anonymous message board

Encouraging women to think carefully about perpetuating and opting into patriarchal systems in which women get a raw deal isn't "judgement of women". I would love women to get a better deal in life. I would love more women to question and challenge the sexist power structures that we're all brought up in.

I feel that changing your surname is a symbol of the marriage and if that marriage breaks down through divorce, the “right” thing to do is return to your previous name.

So if the question was purely hypothetical, then no, I don’t think retaining a name from a contract which no longer exists is fair, or correct.

But in reality, I completely understand that it’s a massive faff to change back, and there are many reasons not to bother - especially if you have children.

I can’t say it’s an issue I particularly care about and if you want to keep your married name then crack on. But if pushed for an answer, I’d say that purely hypothetically, then no, it’s not the right thing to do. Appreciate I’m going against popular opinion and likely to be flamed 😂🤷‍♀️

Horseshit. I don't know of any married women who have taken their husbands' names and consider themselves 'unequal'. I doubt you have either.