ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

If 95% of women in the UK change their names on marriage, and about 1% of men do it, does that suggest to you that it has a basis in the inequality of the sexes, and that the system whereby women are second-class citizens owned by their fathers or husbands is still very much alive and kicking?

@Rosehugger you've been in the Mumsnet world too long love.

I really find the vitrol from other women on topics as non-issued as this ridiculous.

How do fully grown women get angry at other women because of their name which doesnt effect them at all?

I litrally got threatened by another woman in the run up to my wedding because I said I hadn't decided if I was changing my name, not only was I told matter of factly how 'wrong' I was, told I was an awful mother and didnt deserve to be married but actually even physically threatened.

I choose to renounce my paternal name at 18, I chose to keep my maiden name, I choose to give my child their father names... but I also completely understand why other women choose to do differently.

At the end of the day NON of it makes anyone 'better' than anyone else regardless of what you choose, there is no 'right' choice its all just personal preference and to get angry that someone doesnt think exactly like you on something as minute as this is scary.

so people calling OP 'pathetic' really should stop because its certainly not the OP that is the one coming across that way.

Tell him that if he doesn't want you to have the same name as him, then he's welcome to change his. Remind him you've already changed your name once because of him and you won't be doing it again because of the amount of paperwork involved!

That's very much not my point though, as I have explained in my thread repeatedly.

My point that I objected to was the people saying its fine to choose one way of doing things if you have kids, but not if you don't, as if women with children are allowed more choices than women without children.

I haven't advocated for changing your name upon marriage, although I have explained my complex reasons for doing so. I have only advocated for childless women being afforded the same respect as women with children.

Seeing as childless men very rarely have to justify their childlessness or advocate for the same standards being applied to them as men with children (or similarly men with children don't get the same impact on their careers etc as woman with children) I'm not sure how advocating for the status of parenthood not being used to dictate different standards being applied mean I should be lectured on what is or isn't equality.

Is declaring women secondary to their husband a new feminist thing then?

Keep the name. Absolutely ignore his email. I would be stone cold silent.

Well if it wasn't my surname originally then I probably wouldn't do it myself because I'd want a complete divorce including any association with his surname. The reasons given do make it look more like it's being done just because it's convenient for you, rather than because it's actually necessary. It's interesting how people who rant about feminism are so comfortable with the idea of hanging on to the patriarchy of having to take on a man's surname at marriage.

But it isn't perpetuating that tradition, is it? It may have been at the time she Tok the name, but several years down the line the true feminist decision is to make the choice which suits OP best.

Choosing a name isn't automatically submitting to the patriarchy. Denying a woman that choice is certainly anti-feminist.

Or it's a declaration that you don't particularly like your original name and may as well go along with the name of the man you love and are proposing to live with for the rest of your life, if it's a more bearable name.

It's your name now OP- you can do what you want with it.
Your OH doesn't have a say.
For context I changed my name when I was married ( I was young and naive).
I was such a pain to change that when I divorced I kept my married name.

Tell him the name wasn’t borrowed’ (ie he didn’t lend it to you). You can call yourself whatever the hell you like (as long as it’s not for fraudulent purposes). Ignore him.

Any chance of some reasoning around that answer?

I couldn’t wait to get my maiden name back after my divorce and I just don’t get why you would want to keep his name after a divorce.

But why shouldn't she choose the convenient choice, there is nothing actually wrong with her choosing to do something she finds convenient, that's a perfectly reasonable option

All those women bleating about how women shouldn’t change their name to their husbands. 🙄 If women want to change their name they have every right to, they don’t need your permission or approval. Personally I’d only change it if I preferred their name to mine but that would be my decision not yours.

It's a basic error to think that feminism is about 'choice'. It's not.
It's about challenging and dismantling patriarchal systems. It is a specific political ideology.

That is one type of feminism. For me, true feminism involves letting women be free to make the choices they want, not saying they can't do something because someone else has decided it might be pander to patriarchy.

I assume your ‘maiden’ name came from your dad? And if it came from your mum i assume hers came from her dad which was then passed on to you. I don’t know why some women get their knickers (or whatever undergarment they wear or don’t wear) in such a twist.

No one has 'bleated'. Women aren't sheep.

And some women saying 'Personally I don't get why OP wanted to change it in the first place, but that's irrelevant' is not telling women they shouldn't name their name, it's just giving an opinion.

He is your Ex, so your name is nothing to do with him. He gets zero say in the matter.

Could not agree more @Novum

It's not "his" name, it is "hers" now.

Anyone can change their name to whatever they want to. My Dad completely changed his Christian and Surname! A name is just a name. Your ex sounds like a total cockwomble imo!

No one - including me - has said that women shouldn't be able to make that choice.

Just that it's an anti-feminist choice. Which it is.

That doesn't mean women shouldn't be free to make anti-feminist decisions.