ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

But you're not challenging patriarchy and sexism. You're castigating women who made a different choice to you. Judging them negatively for something you wouldn't give out to a man for, name changing on marriage.

Divide and conquer is an effective weapon used by the patriarchy to destabilise feminism.

Is that an annoying question? I didn't mean it to be, what's the answer meant to be?

But the sort of feminism that tells women that they ought not to do or say x because they are women, is just as restrictive, controlling and undermining to individual women as the patriarchy ever was for saying they ought to do those things.

Feminism is supposed to recognise and respect the diverse experiences, cultures, identities and knowledge of different women and striving to empower them. If they want to follow the path that suits them, let them. It is about equality, not sameness.

The branch of feminism that says you owe it to the sisterhood not to do x (AKA "that's an anti-feminist choice) is no more respectful to women and their wishes than the sexism that says the opposite.

Why do you think my name isn't my own? But my husband's belongs to him?

Why do you think it matters if it's shared with male ancestors?

Incidentally my name comes from the place my ancestors came from, and were driven out of, so reflects my ethnic identity and history as well. I've taken my daughter to visit the place itself. So I have absolutely no interest in destroying that link to my heritage.

So why did you change your name and not him?

Keeping my name wasn't a hill I chose to die on, as it wasn't something that bothered me at all, and it was my choice. Feminism is about women having as much choice as possible, to do things which are not feminist.

I'm saying that upholding a patriarchal, sexist tradition - generally for reasons that don't stand up to any analysis at all - is in opposition to feminism. It is an anti-feminist act.

Over 95% of British women still change their names on marriage. About 1% of men do so. That is not a free and equal choice. And it warrants questioning.

So I have absolutely no interest in destroying that link to my heritage

DH's name comes from the same heritage as mine, so I wasn't destroying any heritage.

About 70% of men claim to like football - is that a free and equal choice or a norm imposed by society?

No. Feminism is not about 'making any choice you want as a woman'. I asked above if you think the morality police in Iran (women) who grabbed Mahsa Amini and beat her to death for wearing her hijab wrong were making a feminist choice.

You said the reason for changing your name was to avoid a load of hassle and admin. Leaving aside the fact that this is not true - I have encountered none of those issues, and in fact on this thread the women who HAVE changed their name have said it was a hassle to do so - I asked you a very simple question.

Why, if you are not secondary to your husband, did you change your name, and not him? Or not both of you?

So he wouldn't have been either, if he had changed it to yours. Why didn't he?

I've explained it three times as clearly and nicely as I can but there still seems to be something you don't understand and I can't figure out what it is. I'm going to give up now I'm afraid.

About 90% of men have a standard masculine appearance, is that a free and equal choice, or a norm imposed by society?

I've asked you to explain why you think a name that a woman has had since birth, that was her mother's surname, still, in your view, counts as 'a man's name'.

You're just being silly now. So I'll give up, as you obviously hoped i would, and won't ask again why it was you that changed your name, and not your husband.

Which I have, but you don't like the answer. So let's end it here.

I think YABU for divorcing this guy, he sounds like a real prince*.

*dick

Societal norms are fine if men choose to abide by them then. But women aren't allowed to roll with the norms of their culture or society as this makes them anti-feminist. Curious definition of choice you have.

@Rosehugger generally people comment on something they know a little about or they just come across as goady?? Nothing to do with being a thread monitor but I might try that role, sounds fun!

So as far as you're concerned, if my daughter keeps her name, and gives it to her daughter, and so on, forever, it will still be "a man's name" because at some point hundreds of years ago a man had that name?

So as far as you're concerned, women should carry on taking their husband's names, and giving their children their father's names only, because we never get to say that our names are our own anyway, regardless?

How convenient.

Your argument just doesn't follow. Unless you come up with a surname that's completely unique to you, it's always a "man's name," be that your father, or your maternal grandfather, etc.

My married name has been my name for 26 years. It's very much "my own name."

I'd keep it. Aside from the reasons you have already mentioned, changing your name on divorce can not only cause confusion, but also "announces" the fact of your divorce. Some may not mind this, but others may wish to keep their private matters to themselves. I, for one, prefer to keep my private life to myself and I certainly wouldn't want my private matters known about by my business contacts. (And I somehow doubt many men go around advertising their divorce at work!)

I've already explained on this thread that I changed my name to my husbands because my family were abusive and I didn't want to keep anything from them.

I understand taking my husbands name was old fashioned, and I understand why people would think its anti-feminist. But the reality is I took the name of someone who loved me, instead of keeping the name of someone who wanted to break me.

I could of course have come up with a totally different name for myself, and my DH could have changed to that too, and we did discuss it, and my DH would have done it if I had really wanted to. But honestly changing your name is a faff and I didn't see why both of us should have to go through that. It was a decision that was pragmatic and in no ways declares that I am lesser than him.

I hope that's not directed at me, as it doesn't remotely resemble anything I've said or anything I believe.

I have no more time (less in fact) for men who uphold patriarchy and sexism than I do women.

If my husband had wanted me to take his name, I would have known he wasn't the right person for me to marry. And I 100% would have known he wasn't someone I wanted to father my children.

So your married name is yours, but the name you were registered with at birth is your father's?

What?

My daughter was registered with my surname. How about her? Does she have 'a man's name'? If she gives that name to her daughter, will that still count as 'a man's name' in your opinion? How many generations of women will it have to pass through before any of us get to say that it's our name?