ExDH is furious I’m keeping his name… AIBU?

[NCsurname]

Divorce recently finalised after being separated from exDH for some time. I received a message this morning from exDH who noticed that my married name is still present on my LinkedIn profile. I politely responded to let him know that I wont be changing my surname back to my maiden name and left it at that.

Received a barrage of abuse in response so I’m wondering, AIBU?

For context,

1. we don’t have children, but I’m now known well professionally under my married name.
2. the name isn’t particularly unique or uncommon, so I don’t feel it specifically links to him in any way. Also, I’ve moved away since the split so it’s not as if he’s having to see me around and be reminded of it.
3. I found the process of changing my name after marriage to be a massive hassle and given the stress involved in the divorce itself, I’d rather not bother with the admin of name changing again.
4. I’ve grown to like the name and it just feels like “me”. I never liked my maiden name and feel as though a nice surname is the only good thing I got from the marriage!

AIBU? I should point out that I’m now in a new relationship, my new partner is well aware of all of this and sees no issue.

Oh okay, so it's only fair if it's a choice that benefits the woman.

It's a basic error to think that feminism is about 'choice'. It's not.
It's about challenging and dismantling patriarchal systems. It is a specific political ideology.

Many, many choices that women make are not feminist. The 'morality police' in Iran who seized and beat that young woman to death for not wearing a hijab... that was their choice. So you'd consider that a feminist act? 😒

My husband took my name on marriage because he hated his. He still uses it, long after we divorced and I couldn’t give less of a shit. He set up a business in that name, so it makes sense and I never gave myself some kind of authority over the name and suggested he was only borrowing it.

Men who get their knickers in a twist over this, should think themselves lucky that they don’t have any real problems to worry about.

I wasn't actually referring to the OP, I was referring to your comment, that's why I quoted you?

I would rejoice in the fact that it annoys him!

Don't you have better things to do than annoy your ex? There's a huge difference between pussy footing around and deliberately doing something to annoy someone else.

Taking a man's name when you marry him is a declaration that you're lesser than him, though

No it fucking well isn't. It's a declaration that I don't want to have to regularly explain to people why we have different names, or why our kids have different names from me/him, or need a letter if one of us wants to take the kids on holiday, or keep explaining to relatives that I'm not actually called Bloggs, or explaining to the post office that actually yes, that letter is for me even though it's addressed to Mrs Bloggs when I'm Ms Smith.

It's a declaration that I don't want that kind of unnecessary life admin.

Not for my DD it's not. The fuck I'm inflicting a lifetime of repeatedly having to spell it out have have it miss-pronounced. Why would I do that when I could make a tiny bit of her life easier?

I’m always amused on these threads - usually at least 1 per month - that women always have surnames or families that they hate so change their name upon marriage, but men never do. 🤔

@PrincessofWales I don't have an ex, HTH.

My children's surname comes from me. Their mother.
In what way is their name 'derived from a man's name'?

It’s not “his” name, it’s your name. Your name can be whatever you want, but especially if you’ve used that name for some time, it’s as much your name as anyone’s.

Did he think you only had it because you were his property or something?

What does he do if he happens upon someone random who has the same name? Does he get really upset?

Because perpetuating a patriarchal and sexist tradition is patriarchal and sexist.

In the grand scheme of things, a woman choosing what she wishes to be called is much less damaging than judging women negatively where you would not do the same to a man IMHO.

Spare us the misogyny dressed up as feminism.🙄

Why does it surprise you that people are conventional?

So why did you change your name and not him?

(Leaving aside that neither my husband nor I changed our names and have never once encountered any of these apparently terrible barriers)

Why you?

So how can you possibly comment with any degree of knowledge? HRH by the way, not HTH. ;-)

Challenging patriarchy and sexism =/= misogyny.

You seem confused.

it’s your name now!

I’ve been married three times and am still using ex husband number one’s name…

Sure, he originally gave it to me but there are no backsies! I graduated, published and gained a professional identity using this name (no kids together but his son uses his current partner’s surname).

it’s a really unusual name too. Thankfully my ex has never been a dick about it. I don’t think he’s ever mentioned it (we’re still vaguely in touch via social media and his mum sends me the occasional family catch up type message). His mum is on her 4th husband and used husband number 2’s name throughout her marriage to 3 so she hasn’t batted an eyelid either.

I'm not sure what's still not making sense to you. Will try one last time! Unless you're very unusual, your surname is so because it is following on from your father's surname. If not, the next most likely thing is that your surname is following on from your mother's maiden name...which itself would be following on from her father. Etc.

Like I said, unless you're very unusual.

There seems to be a real hatred of women by other women for not being the right kind of feminist, or for being even very slightly off message or hypocritical in any respect whatsoever, that you cannot be a feminist if you are not absolutely pure in every respect.

The horrible irony. Men hate us enough without other women joining in, FFS. And it's this kind of thing which stops young women from calling themselves feminists.

And by the way, everyone is a hypocrite, mate.

So women never, ever get our own names? My daughter has my surname, and yet somehow, you still categorise her as having a man's name? Is that just for all eternity? Women never get to say our names are our own?

Of course making some non-feminiist choices doesn't make you "not a feminist at all".

It just means that in this specific instance you made a non-feminist choice. That's fine. It's your choice. Own it for what it is.

You can still be a feminist in other areas of life.

I'd be interested to see data on this (not sure if it'd exist or where to look) because in my experience, it's the norm to keep your married name after divorce. I don't know any women who've changed it back.

So how can you possibly comment with any degree of knowledge?

Who appointed you thread monitor, @PrincessofWales ? I don't know, empathy, wisdom, 47 years of life experience? I didn't know you needed to have gone through a divorce to be able to bitch about someone's ex.

But what then happens when their children with double-barrelled surnames marry other children with double-barrelled surnames? Do we all end up with hundreds of surnames each?

It's been at least a week since someone asked this. Hello, old friend.

No it hasn't. There's another thread today where someone asked exactly the same and seemed to think it was a gotcha smdh

Not at all! To be honest if I had your view I'd probably choose a name totally organically. Like straight out of a book of names. That way it's not derived from any males in my family. Of course, there'd still be the issue that most names are derived from occupations that only men filled at the time (blacksmith, carpenter, brewer etc). So to be even more bold/break away from all that, I guess I'd make one up.