To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

I actually admire his honesty.
I wish I had the confidence to say this.

Think you just need to accept it and move on. At least he didn't fob you off with a rubbish excuse.

I agree. Lots of people would prefer not to do family stuff but still go and do it anyway. How many times do you get a thread about elderly parents moving away and the general consensus is "you should make an effort to visit occasionally even if you'd rather burn your hand on the hob"? I think we'd generally agree it's not acceptable to say to elderly parents "we just don't want to visit you. You're boring, the food is always dreadful and there are many other things we'd rather be doing than sitting watching TV repeats in your overheated living-room".

I also think many people who think it's great to be so "honest" and aspire to this themselves would be pissed off if others were equally honest with them. Great to be able to tell others that you "don't want to" attend stuff that's important to them, less great if they return the favour and can't be arsed to take you to that appointment or invite you to lunch at the weekend.

This isn’t ‘most people’

This is the child’s Grandfather.

Thanks for the input. To be honest the penny has finally dropped that he just doesn’t really care that much about us. I don’t think he dislikes us but we are just not particularly important to him, which is painful.

This is not news to my OH. I think he has been trying to explain this to me for many years. I listened but I didn’t really get it before. I’m probably guilty of projecting my own family’s values onto his (dysfunctional) family. OH had a lonely childhood. MIL & FIL are still married but they have always made it clear that they are two people who live separate lives under the same roof. They have no family events to excuse myself from.

I love both my parents & children deeply so I’ve always had the assumption that FIL must underneath it all feel this way about his family too but that the way he expresses it just gets lost in translation (due to his childhood trauma, potential neurodivergent traits, depression etc.) DH probably wouldn’t have had as regular contact with his family on his own steam but I’ve always encouraged it. I’ve always treated his parents the way I treat my own. I still like them and care about them, just might not make as much effort or fuss over them anymore.

To answer the other general responses:
⁃ Yes totally understand that an atheist not wanting to attend a Christian ceremony. Just feel it would be less awkward to explain that than saying no I don’t want to be there.
⁃ I don’t know if I would meet your standards for being christian enough to have a christening but I meet my own. Why do I get the feeling that you are the sort of person that is salivating at the opportunity to call someone you don’t know a hypocrite?
⁃ I don’t think people should necessarily feel obliged to go to events that they don’t want to. Of course you have the right to say no. Indeed it is an invite not a summons, but neither is it an insult and I still think that saying no can be done with kindness. Honesty and respect for another persons feelings are not mutually exclusive.

Wouldn’t call you that however would wonder why it would be so important for members to attend if yourself don’t attended regularly. Making it really a rather unimportant day and more a to be done thing to look a certain way by the lack of actually being involved with the church.

I’ve always treated his parents the way I treat my own. I still like them and care about them, just might not make as much effort or fuss over them anymore.

I feel sorry for your DH's Mum? Is she any warmer? Can you involve her in your DC lives without FIL?

mumofbe
I don’t know if I would meet your standards for being christian enough to have a christening but I meet my own.

So long as you have found three or four baptised Christians prepared to stand up in church and solemnly swear before their God and the congregation that they will help to bring up your child in the knowledge and love of God, and that they turn to Christ, repent of their sins and renounce evil, and so on, without giggling, I'm not sure that your own degree of Christianity is actually all that important.

Honesty and respect for another persons feelings are not mutually exclusive.

This is beautifully put OP, and is the crux of the matter. Certainly you can stop making any effort towards FIL now.

I actually think we should normalise just being honest and saying no we don’t want to, rather than making up a lie.

so your DH has been telling you this for years and now you have finally heard it.
Good, because i can't imagine your DH wanting really low-key involvement with his dad and you insisting on it - and DH going along with it because he doesn't say "no" like FIL does.

Maybe it's not that dramatic for your DH.

Anyway: now you know. So you can focus on MIL if your DH is on board with that. Or you can slowly let it slide and have the amount of involvement with his side of the family that your DH and his parents feel is right for them? You have done this for good reasons i think - but you really ought to have been listening to him.

As for a christening: i believe that people should choose their own religion, or no religion, when they are old enough. Luckily you don't really suffer awful consequences for leaving the CofE or not keeping up the faith. So if you want an event, why not.

I don’t think people should necessarily feel obliged to go to events that they don’t want to. Of course you have the right to say no. Indeed it is an invite not a summons, but neither is it an insult and I still think that saying no can be done with kindness. Honesty and respect for another persons feelings are not mutually exclusive.

But as lots of people have already explained, if you try and be polite and make a socially acceptable excuse, people often don't accept it and find a way for you to attend anyway.

Your DH has made it clear for a while that this is what his dad is like and you chose not to listen 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be fair I think this is reasonable. I'm an atheist but would go to a family christening if it was a big social family and friends occasion to celebrate the baby's arrival (probably with the church ceremony as a mere pretext for a party, but I've happily been to religious mates' christenings + social do as well). If it was a pure "welcoming the child into the Church" ceremony then a hug and get back into the car then I don't think my presence would add anything.

But you're completely within your rights to want to have no part of a christening that you think is fake with all the participants lying through their teeth.

This is an acceptable response if you're
a) under 5
b) over 90
c) autistic and making no particular effort to mask (which can take a hell of a lot of effort)

The rest of us need to either explain our actual reason for declining in an acceptable way, with an apology, or tell a polite but obvious lie. It's the price for living in society.

But it seems to have served a valuable purpose in helping you understand what your FIL actually is, instead of the person you'd understandably prefer him to be. So overall probably a good thing.

So

I invite you to a christening is fine - even though you are clearly expecting a yes and are insulted if no is given so you are placing a demand really which I would say is rudeness wrapped up in pretty paper

Saying No thanks I don't want to isn't ok

What should I say that is acceptable and truthful ?

The rest of us need to either explain our actual reason for declining in an acceptable way, with an apology, or tell a polite but obvious lie. It's the price for living in society.

Nope. Sure don't scream "no why the fuck would i want to?!" as a reply, for sure. But a calm "sorry, no" is fine. I don't have to explain to anyone (except my boss - and even then she gets basic info only) when i don't want to do anything.

I'm not sure if i missed it in the monster thread - how was the offending refusal communicated?

I think it’s much better to just decline an invite without giving a reason. Saves people trying to “fix” whatever the reason is, or feel uncomfortable about the reason given.

I’m sorry that you feel sad that he’s declined, but if he’s a tricky character, perhaps it’s easier for you to get on and plan to enjoy the event without having to keep everyone comfortable.

It doesn’t sound like there is any point in trying to convince him to attend. Just move on and focus on enjoying without him.

The best answer is "yes that would be lovely" and suck it up because going to these landmark family events is what keeps the wheels of society turning. If his only reason for not going is literally that he wouldn't find it fun and he'd rather sit on the sofa and watch Final Score then that's rude and he should just fucking go.

If he has a stronger reason like a religious objection then he should communicate it nicely with an apology. If he has a stronger reason that cannot be conmunicated politely (he was having a long term affair with the vicar which ended badly; his DIL's halitosis makes him puke) then he should lie in a way difficult to contradict.

So it's not an invite it's an order ?

But wedding invites are not an order?

What other event invites are actually orders ?

IMO, In some circumstances it's OK. Eg- seeing a film, dinner out and you just don't feel like it, fine.

I do think it's rude (and a bit odd) to decline family life events because you "don't want to go" though.

A wedding invite to your immediate family member (anything closer than cousin) is an order. Not going is unacceptably rude without very good reasons (eg it's in Barbados and you can't afford it).

Refreshing.

A wedding invite to your immediate family member (anything closer than cousin) is an order. Not going is unacceptably rude without very good reasons

What a heap of bullshit 🤣

Some if the answers here amaze me! As if so many posters think it’s okay to just behave rudely?! What’s with the self-righteous attitudes?

As a previous poster said, it’s what keeps society going. Family has to mean something to most people, otherwise what’s the point.

Family doesn't mean you have to just blindly accept invitations though. That's such a fucked up way of thinking to me.

So you're saying it would be absolutely fine to turn down an invitation to your sister's/son's wedding with "no"? In what world would that be normal?