To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

He didn’t say that. That is a completely irrational interpretation. He said he doesn’t want to go to a christening.

What’s your interpretation then? Because I don’t know why a grown man can’t put aside his dislike of small talk, or buffet food, or religion, or whatever else it is that makes him not want to go, for the sake of the feelings of his own wife, son and others. Therefore, he cares very little for their feelings.

Life is too short to go to an event you don't want to go to, with people who don't apparently like you.

I would really like to know from OP why she's miffed that an awful father is a desirable accoutrement to her child's christening party.

I think it's very rude and hurtful. It's not about not wanting to go, it's about being a little bit selfless on a day which is important to loved ones. There's reasons why these social norms exist, and they are important to the fabric of society. I think he's an arse. And if he really doesn't want to go it costs nothing to make up an excuse.

@cawfeee what your motivation is for being unnecessarily snide with me I don't know. However since you seem to be enjoying it knock yourself out. 🙄

I wish more people were honest, actually. He is a shit father and doesn't want to be there. I don't understand why you're so upset. No big loss it seems.

Yes it is rude to be honest about this. You're supposed to mask the truth, apply some smoke & mirrors & make your excuses.

The way I see it is there is always a reason for everything.
Whatever it is will go a lot deeper than him simply not wanting to be there.
He could be ill.
He could be suffering from anxiety/ depression and doesn't feel up to facing a lot of people.
There are a whole number of reasons why he would decline.

I agree it wasn't the most polite way of telling you, but I would say there is definitely something bigger going on behind the scenes.

Just because you believe that it doesn't mean that it has to be the norm. If people make excuses and "apply smoke and mirrors" other people will often use that to apply pressure or find solutions.

I think it's rude. There are events that you can skip cause you're not feeling it. Then there are events that you attend even if you don't want to just because you are a member of the family. I think grandchilds christening falls to the second category.

Well you can't say he isn't honest?! 😆

My fil does this. He regularly turns down invites to social gatherings, family occasions etc and sometimes he won't even give a reason, other times he will just say its not his thing. We've all learned to just carry on regardless. It's him that's missing out.

The thing is, I've become the same to the extent where if I don't want to go somewhere I won't, but I'll at least try to make up an excuse. But I definitely dont force myself to go to things I don't want to.

There are events that you can skip cause you're not feeling it. Then there are events that you attend even if you don't want to just because you are a member of the family.

gosh no. Not least because who wants someone at their "important" (to them) event who doesn't want to be there?

I used to go to Remberance Day Parades when i was in the army because i had no choice. That is about the only thing I've ever let myself be compelled to do.

I like his honesty, how is it better to pretend there's some fake reason why you sadly can't attend? I have no idea why people would think that's 'an art' or better in some way.
The problem to me is that he hasn't told you why and so you are left second guessing yourself - if he'd said he didn't want to come because he didn't feel comfortable in the church at your eldest's christening and so didn't want to go back, then you wouldn't be left wondering if he hates you or something. I'd get your OH to ask him why FIL doesn't want to come - nothing wrong with that, if FIL can be straight up then so can DH. Although it sounds like he might not have the balls and everyone should just tiptoe round FIL.

Sorry but that’s not finding your voice, that’s being plain rude. You can decide not to go and stick by your decision but you don’t need to be so blunt and mean especially when it is an important event for your grandchild and try to label it finding your voice.

It is rude but it seems that it might be in your husband's family culture to allow that sort of behaviour for FIL and let him get away with it without questioning him. What is your DH afraid of that means he can't simply ask why he doesn't want to be there? I would ask him myself, you don't have to be rude you can literally just ask how come you don't want to be there? X

I’d rather him be straight than begrudgingly be there. My OH is very much like this, would rather do what he wants to do, not interested in family events.

The other thing is we teach children not to tell lies yet do it all the time as adults in situations such as this.

Ask MiL what is going on. She probably knows.

For a grandchilds christening I'd expect him to make an effort tbh. It is hurtful.
If it was mates inviting him down the pub then I'd think. It was blunt but OK.
At least you can always respond similarly in future!

I spend most of the time at things like this desperate to go home so half of me admires him for saying it like it is but I would have told a white lie and not just came out with it!

Tbh I wish everyone was like this .

I would bank it for next time you don't want to do something

It's like Phoebe in Friends saying "I wish I could but I don't want to."

I wouldn't bother asking him why, but if you don't fancy going to his birthday or something, you don't have to now.

is it a long journey or something btw?

He doesn't want to go, that's fine. I'd rather people were honest rather than making up an excuse. I'm hand wringing about a family event of my own which I don't want to go to and I've thought up all manner of nonsensical excuses because my mother is a narcissist, who's used to getting her way. I might just say I don't want to. Her head will explode.

I wish we all could be this honest.
I don’t understand why we have to come up with excuses and come up with dumb stuff - that seems more of an insult than anything.

But op must realize that not many people care about christenings, let alone after multiple kids.