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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

318 replies

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 12:29

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyHarmby · 21/09/2022 12:15

mountainsunsets · 21/09/2022 10:20

I don’t know. I think a small lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings is the better option.

Maybe short-term, but is it really better in the long run if half your relationships are based on white lies?

If I knew someone was repeatedly lying to me in order to "save my feelings" I'd not want to continue the friendship.

But there’s a difference between politeness and lies, right?

’Is the homemade soup ok?’
’Yes, it’s delicious’
or
‘I don’t really like it, it’s too salty’

’Do you think I should buy this house?’
‘Yes, it’s perfect and you will love living there’
or
’honestly, I think you might regret as you’ve always said you wanted a big garden’

There are nuances - some things it’s absolutely ok to lie about and in fact, it’s the kinder and nicer option.

LongLivedQueen · 21/09/2022 12:18

LadyHarmby · 21/09/2022 12:15

But there’s a difference between politeness and lies, right?

’Is the homemade soup ok?’
’Yes, it’s delicious’
or
‘I don’t really like it, it’s too salty’

’Do you think I should buy this house?’
‘Yes, it’s perfect and you will love living there’
or
’honestly, I think you might regret as you’ve always said you wanted a big garden’

There are nuances - some things it’s absolutely ok to lie about and in fact, it’s the kinder and nicer option.

Show quote history

Is there a difference? Both of your examples are lies. They may be polite lies, but they are definitely lies, so where is the difference?

Although I'm not convinced either are polite anyway.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 21/09/2022 12:20

It’s in response to the pal’s question.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 21/09/2022 12:24

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 21/09/2022 12:20

It’s in response to the pal’s question.

Although to relate it specifically,

pal 1 invites person to christening … person oh pal 1 and pal 2 will be there I’ll enjoy that - invite accepted.

vs

Son invites father to christening … oh no I don’t want to go to that. Invite declined.

ddl1 · 21/09/2022 12:29

It's a pretty blunt (and blunt often means rude) way of putting it! He could have said 'really sorry but I can't make it'. It does somewhat depend on why he didn't want to come. If he just didn't want to be around you, that's very rude. If, for example, he finds christenings uncomfortable because he's of another religion or none, that's more understandable, though he could have expressed it more diplomatically.

MsMcGonagall · 21/09/2022 12:44

Well it has the benefit of being true.

Also, imagine he came to the christening and sat there scowling or yawning or generally being a downer on things. Then you would think, well why did he come if he didn't want to?! He's saved you from that and you can have a day with people who positively want to be there.

I feel this is about FIL and not about you.

mountainsunsets · 21/09/2022 12:53

ddl1 · 21/09/2022 12:29

It's a pretty blunt (and blunt often means rude) way of putting it! He could have said 'really sorry but I can't make it'. It does somewhat depend on why he didn't want to come. If he just didn't want to be around you, that's very rude. If, for example, he finds christenings uncomfortable because he's of another religion or none, that's more understandable, though he could have expressed it more diplomatically.

But if you say "I can't make it" people ask why, or offer to move the date or time.

It doesn't actually help.

mountainsunsets · 21/09/2022 13:00

@LadyHarmby I wouldn't white lie in either of those situations.

I wouldn't eat food I didn't like nor would I pretend I agreed with someone's decision if I didn't.

Personally, I think it's utterly bizarre that people just lie like that to their friends and families.

LadyHarmby · 21/09/2022 13:01

LongLivedQueen · 21/09/2022 12:18

Is there a difference? Both of your examples are lies. They may be polite lies, but they are definitely lies, so where is the difference?

Although I'm not convinced either are polite anyway.

Show quote history

I think I’m saying that sometimes the polite thing to do is to lie.

And you disagree, you’re saying it’s never polite to lie.

Getting tied in knots here!

cawfeee · 21/09/2022 13:15

My ex went to great lengths to tell me how honest he was, turns out that wasn't true.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 21/09/2022 13:34

midgetastic · 21/09/2022 08:16

So

I invite you to a christening is fine - even though you are clearly expecting a yes and are insulted if no is given so you are placing a demand really which I would say is rudeness wrapped up in pretty paper

Saying No thanks I don't want to isn't ok

What should I say that is acceptable and truthful ?

I suppose "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to come: I'm planning to have a migraine that day" is neither, but boy it's tempting sometimes.

FlipFlopFlippedyFlop · 21/09/2022 14:21

I think it's quite cool actually..rather than insulting your intelligence with a silly lie or really making up an elaborate lie he has chosen to tell you the truth. Also much better to tell you asap rather than feigning some sort of illness on the day and cancelling at short notice, isn't it? Doesn't that help with planning?

Maybe he feels since you are family it would disrespectful to lie or that since you are.family he doesn't need to lie?

FlipFlopFlippedyFlop · 21/09/2022 14:26

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 20:26

Thanks for the input. To be honest the penny has finally dropped that he just doesn’t really care that much about us. I don’t think he dislikes us but we are just not particularly important to him, which is painful.

This is not news to my OH. I think he has been trying to explain this to me for many years. I listened but I didn’t really get it before. I’m probably guilty of projecting my own family’s values onto his (dysfunctional) family. OH had a lonely childhood. MIL & FIL are still married but they have always made it clear that they are two people who live separate lives under the same roof. They have no family events to excuse myself from.

I love both my parents & children deeply so I’ve always had the assumption that FIL must underneath it all feel this way about his family too but that the way he expresses it just gets lost in translation (due to his childhood trauma, potential neurodivergent traits, depression etc.) DH probably wouldn’t have had as regular contact with his family on his own steam but I’ve always encouraged it. I’ve always treated his parents the way I treat my own. I still like them and care about them, just might not make as much effort or fuss over them anymore.

To answer the other general responses:
⁃ Yes totally understand that an atheist not wanting to attend a Christian ceremony. Just feel it would be less awkward to explain that than saying no I don’t want to be there.
⁃ I don’t know if I would meet your standards for being christian enough to have a christening but I meet my own. Why do I get the feeling that you are the sort of person that is salivating at the opportunity to call someone you don’t know a hypocrite?
⁃ I don’t think people should necessarily feel obliged to go to events that they don’t want to. Of course you have the right to say no. Indeed it is an invite not a summons, but neither is it an insult and I still think that saying no can be done with kindness. Honesty and respect for another persons feelings are not mutually exclusive.

Maybe he doesn't care much for you but I wouldn't come to that assumption based on him honestly declining your invitation.

Woodsparrow · 21/09/2022 14:33

No, I think we should normalise this!

Particularly after covid I said I was going to stop going to events I didn't want to go to. This summer there was one I didn't want to go to (actually 3 but the other two I already had plans) and I said I wasn't going because I didn't want to. Family gave me lots of shit for it but DH was behind me and I was really proud of myself fpr being Honest

Ghodavies · 21/09/2022 15:24

I wouldn’t care if he attended or not but he is rude and I’d e angry he attended other child’s christening

Queuesarasarah · 21/09/2022 15:26

It’s definitely weird. Most people make a polite excuse and/or for a grandchild particularly would just go regardless of whether they particularly want to go.

Queuesarasarah · 21/09/2022 15:27

Woodsparrow · 21/09/2022 14:33

No, I think we should normalise this!

Particularly after covid I said I was going to stop going to events I didn't want to go to. This summer there was one I didn't want to go to (actually 3 but the other two I already had plans) and I said I wasn't going because I didn't want to. Family gave me lots of shit for it but DH was behind me and I was really proud of myself fpr being Honest

this is a situation where a white lie or vague ‘I’m sorry I can’t be there’ is the polite response. You can have boundaries without being rude.

Pumpkinandgingerspice · 21/09/2022 15:34

I quite admire him actually.

Yes it probably is rude, but I've spent years feeling obliged to go to pointless gatherings like christenings and I wish I was brave enough to simply say that I don't want to go.

Kittycat37uk · 21/09/2022 15:37

Some people like myself are honestly blunt doesn't make them rude just means we get straight to the point no point in going on with ourselves and shit excuses if we don't wanna go we don't have to that is the beauty of being an adult we don't have to attend events and we can be honest about it too without people getting overly sensitive of it your husband is right u need to just relax his dad will have his reasons and it's not up to u to interrogate him as to why he don't have to answer to you or anyone else again beauty of being an adult.

Pumpkinandgingerspice · 21/09/2022 15:37

Also as a pp has said, often if people make an excuse then the hosts will try to rearrange to accommodate.

If you try to explain so for example saying that you're not religious then people try to persuade you.

You can't really argue with a simple I don't want to.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/09/2022 15:39

MintJulia · 20/09/2022 12:34

I suppose he's being honest. If he isn't religious, I can quite understand him not wanting to be there.

Would you have preferred him to say it 'wasn't his thing' or that he wasn't religious?

As OP has already posted, he felt able to go to the other christening, so it would seem not to be a case of religion.

YouSirNeighMmmm · 21/09/2022 15:41

mumofbe · 20/09/2022 12:29

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

I don't like being in churches at all. The fact that you might occasionally see me in one doesn't mean that I'm not hating every minute of it. Maybe he really felt he ought to go to the last christening, did it for you despite hating it, and just can;t face it again?

Maybe he doesn't see the point or thinks its hypocritical of you if you aren't regular church goers.

He was rude, but surely you can see why a christening is an awful lot of people's idea of hell?

Tillow4ever · 21/09/2022 15:41

At least you know you front how he feels…. For our middle son (and my husbands parents third grandchild) we invited them to the christening. They came, came back to the pub where they didn’t take their coats off (which I thought was odd), drank the free drink my parents gave them, then whilst I was talking to a friend, another friend came up and asked if my in-laws were ok as they were leaving without saying goodbye. I dived out after them to check if something was wrong and found they were sneaking off along with brother-in-law (middle son, golden child) to go and have dinner with him rather than staying for the food etc with us, not telling us they were going and never even considered asking us or his other brother if perhaps we could all go for a family dinner after it was all finished.

Then again, when the youngest brother was getting married, we found out they (parents in law) arranged a HUGE family meal get together with middle son, aunts, uncles, cousins for the night before the wedding - and they didn’t even mention it to us or the brother that was getting married. I found out by accident, they’d actually had one of the boys at their house that day so when we picked him up I asked if they had any nice plans for the evening and they lied and said they were having a quiet night in……

my point is, families are WEIRD. They won’t always treat all members equally. There may be no obvious rhyme or reason either. Whilst your FIL was incredibly rude, at least he won’t be there ruining your day.

I hope it goes well!

C152 · 21/09/2022 15:57

Yes, I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. I honestly couldn't get worked up over this. You invited him; he declined. You're right, most people wouldn't admit, 'I just don't want to go', but I wouldn't choose to be offended by this. I'm with your DH on this. Your FIL has his reasons - which may very well be as simple as 'I just don't want to go' - you don't need to know them; you just need to move on.

TimBoothseyes · 21/09/2022 16:06

neilyoungismyhero · 21/09/2022 15:39

As OP has already posted, he felt able to go to the other christening, so it would seem not to be a case of religion.

Show quote history

Maybe going to the 1st one confirmed for him, that Christenings were something he'd rather not attend. is he planning to join you afterwards OP?

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