To think that declining an invite because you "just don't want to be there" is rude?

[mumofbe]

We are christening our youngest soon, which will be just a small family affair followed by food & drinks. For context, this will be the first gathering that we have had since my DD’s arrival. My MIL will be coming alone. My FIL has declined the invite because he doesn’t want to be there. No further information given. He attended the christening of our eldest.

To my mind this response is completely bizarre. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to be there, it’s the fact that he bluntly told us that he doesn’t want to be there. I get that we all have events that we don’t want to attend but surely the art is to diplomatically turn down the invite. To simply bluntly state that you don’t want to be there seems like an attempt to intentionally offend someone.

My relationship with my in laws is pretty neutral. I like them, although we are not particularly close but I always try to be polite and I didn’t think there was any bad feeling between us (until now).

This has prompted a flurry of questions in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to come. Is he ok? Apparently so. Does he have other plans? Apparently not. Is it the religion thing as he is an atheist? Apparently not as he attended the christening of our eldest Have we offended him? Does he just not want to mix with my family? Do we need to talk to him?

My husband has lost his rag with me because he thinks that I’m making it all about me. He said that his dad has made up his mind, he will have his reasons and we should respect them-no further questions. Honestly though, I feel a bit hurt and it alters the way that I feel about my FIL now. My husband can not see what my problem is with this.

AIBU?

It's socially very rude to down a family members wedding with a blunt "no".
I've been unfortunately working away/otherwise engaged for many a wedding/gathering, though.

MN fantasy world is so removed from RL 😂In RL you have to suck up some things and go even if you don't really want to.

So you're saying it would be absolutely fine to turn down an invitation to your sister's/son's wedding with "no"? In what world would that be normal?

Of course it's fine. Not everyone is interested in weddings nor do they want to spend a fortune on outfits etc. in order to attend them.

I'd be more upset if someone felt forced to come to my wedding due to "societal norms" to be honest. Why would you want someone at your wedding who didn't want to be there?

It's socially very rude to down a family members wedding with a blunt "no". I've been unfortunately working away/otherwise engaged for many a wedding/gathering, though.

Personally I think it's much worse to lie to people 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree.

It is rude in my opinion but then it's also very blunt and honest. So is that really a bad thing? Does it give you a free pass to do the same? I often think when it comes to family you just have to take one for the team.

My FIL is the same. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do and wouldn't put himself out for any reason. I was actually gobsmacked he came to our wedding for a bit (his only son's). To make it more likely that he would come we actually picked the church in the village and the venue was somewhere FIL went to regularly. He has never visited his daughter who moved an hour and a half away at 18. She's coming up for 50 now. She regularly comes down to pick MIL up but FIL refuses to come. We have offered to take him for a quick half day trip. He isn't socially awkward, likes his family just fine, is often out and about doing stuff that suits him etc. in fact, he's rarely home because he loves a good walk. He doesn't go simply because he just doesn't want to.

I know an invite is not a summons but I do think it's rude to never even try to attend something for family. He has mentioned more than once that he rarely gets to see our kids and yet there's just one street between our houses. He is always welcome to visit. He regularly passes our house too.

I don't pander to people like that so if the kids don't fancy going to the in laws now, they don't. If grandad and grandma want to see or speak to them, they know where we live and they have each kid's phone number.

I agree that it is rude to come out and say you don't want to be there, but then again, some people are blunt.

Like others I often don't go to events simply because I don't want to, but I do manufacture some sort of excuse!

I don’t know. I think a small lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings is the better option.

’This soup is delicious’
’I like your new haircut, suits you’
‘Thank you for the birthday present, I loved it’

Give it a rest. You're overthinking it. He doesn't want to come. End of. One less to cater for.

all those that think it’s good…do you have pals? Ask yourself honestly

Yep, plenty thanks.

And we're all quite happy saying "no, I don't want to" to things we're not interested in.

What would be the point of lying? If he made an excuse, he would probably be found out, and that would be worse. He is probably being polite in not saying why he doesn't want to be there, he may be can't stand someone who will be there, or could be hiding some private embarrassing reason, like bladder problems etc. If he is normally pleasant and interested, just leave it, to try to force him to say why, could be unkind or cause worse trouble. Just leave him be and don't be so overbearing.

Yes I do.
I think it depends on your delivery really
No, I don’t want to do that vs thank you for the invitation but I would rather not, I hope it goes well
No lies, no rudeness

I don’t know. I think a small lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings is the better option.

Maybe short-term, but is it really better in the long run if half your relationships are based on white lies?

If I knew someone was repeatedly lying to me in order to "save my feelings" I'd not want to continue the friendship.

Yes.
I just don’t do things I don’t want to do.

I recently turned down a wedding invitation from a nephew, I love my family, my brothers and sisters, all their children, but I just couldn't face it, I don't know why, I was always quite sociable and loved a party, but now I don't. I gave excuses, it was too far for me to drive, I had no one to look after the dog. I could have had a lift with one of my siblings, I could have put the dog in kennels, but I just did not want to go. I am in my late 60s and feel that now after a lifetime of putting children and husbands first, working most of my life, I should not have to do anything I don't want to. I have no idea why I now don't like parties, large gatherings or even holidays, I am not miserable, or depressed, I just do not want to do these things.

Yeah. We're honest with each other.

We had a family member do the same, her reply was very blunt and I thought rude. She wasn't as closely related and could have just said she's sorry she couldn't make it rather than I don't want to come. We have barely seen her since, not specifically because of this, we haven't declined any of her invitations as she's not offered any! Equally she hadn't been invited to any other events by us since.

Pals are people you choose to spend time with, family are not.

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

what do U mean?

What’s confusing?

I have a select few friends. We are all as open and honest about this stuff as each other.

just because I’m related via blood or marriage doesn’t make me obliged to come to every event you host.

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

how does your post relate to OP’s situation?

Exactly.

Why would you want guests who are only attending because they feel they have to? Surely it's much better for everyone if people only attend things because they genuinely want to be there?