Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting in the front of the car

259 replies

zebraprint12 · 19/09/2022 08:59

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

OP posts:
Bookworm777 · 19/09/2022 15:10

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:02

If it isn't that, it'll be something else.

Why delay the inevitable.... Who h unfortunately is getting rid of this man or putting up with this utter nonsense until his dd is grown up (even then she'll still no doubt find ways of demonstrating and enforcing her status as superior to op on every occasion).

And this car thing is absolutely something to stand up for yourself on .... It's not occasional, it's every time; and she's trying to enforce it when she's not even in the fkg car!!!!!

Op sitting in the back like a taxi passenger with her partner in the front on his own, that's what this child wants. If she was able to, she'd be making sure op slept in a different room when they stay together, in fact dyed probably try to have her put on a camp bed in the garage.

But I bet he makes sure his little darling doesn't dictacte sleeping arrangements when he wants to get his end away. Bet he knows how to be avaduve and lie to her and make her butt out then.

I would not be having sex with a man who behaved like this, not a chance.

Show quote history

Blimey, projecting much?! I agree OP isn't suited to this man and should probably walk away, but not because you think his DD10 is fiendishly plotting to make her sleep in the garage. 🙄 It's because she's sounds very unfeeling towards a child who is demonstrating that she's unhappy by playing up. I think it's quite telling that OP hasn't said how long she's been dating this man – she says they don't live together – or how long he's been split from his daughter's mum. I suspect on both sides it's not long.

OriginalUsername3 · 19/09/2022 15:16

I would do, if she beats you to the car and gets in the front then just tell them both you're driving and he can sort with her if he's sitting in the back like a child. Either it'll sort itself out or he'll sort it out.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:16

OP and her DP should maybe stop and think WHY his DD needs to make herself feel good. Something's going on here, the kid is unhappy. Doesn't anyone give a shit about this?

Look I've dated a widower who's eldest dd either a. Did not want him to date (and the more serious the relationship, the more that was the case) in the first place, or b. If he had to date, she wanted herself to be above his partner in priority, time, care, attention, emotion, resources etc. She also wanted her siblings to ostracise his partner.

Those 3 things are not totally realistic, or reasonable or fair ... On her father (nor on any partner of his). She was doing it when she 9, she was still doing it 11 years later when I dated him.

He spoke to her, she had no reason to doubt his love, devotion, priority; she and her siblings were his priority. But she still wanted him single, or at the very least, his partner to get lower than her in every way (attention, "love", priority), not comfortable within the family, not "at home" in any way, not a serious partner etc.
She wanted things her way, to her advantage.

Sometimes people act like that, you know.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:18

*But she still wanted him single, or at the very least, his partner to be lower than her in every way (attention, "love", priority), not comfortable within the family, not "at home" in any way, not a serious partner etc.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:18

It's still certainly worth talking to her about this and how she feels, bit that's his job.

And he appears to be side stepping that, and have no backbone.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:19

but not because you think his DD10 is fiendishly plotting to make her sleep in the garage.

You don't get irony/humour, do you.

Amybelle88 · 19/09/2022 15:22

It's 12 and over to sit in the front of a car.

End of story and negotiation - in the back you go child!

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:22

It's because she's sounds very unfeeling towards a child who is demonstrating that she's unhappy by playing up

You don't know thats why she's playing up.

You're projecting yourself.

As I said, my cousin's dd is exactly like this and is a happy child who gets everything her way; with two devoted parents in a nuclear family.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/09/2022 15:24

How can I make it better?

You don't. Your DP needs to teach her some manners for a start. This is his problem to sort out.

Connie2468 · 19/09/2022 15:26

Amybelle88 · 19/09/2022 15:22

It's 12 and over to sit in the front of a car.

End of story and negotiation - in the back you go child!

The child already knows that isn't true though as she's been sitting in the front already for two years.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:28

If I wasn't good enough to (ever) sit in the passenger seat of the car beside him when he has his child in the car (oh and the child wants op to sit in the back when she's not there too; know your place op! Lol) and either had to sit in the back everytime or drive separately myself ...... Then he wouldn't be good enough for me to be intimate with.

Bookworm777 · 19/09/2022 15:29

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:19

but not because you think his DD10 is fiendishly plotting to make her sleep in the garage.

You don't get irony/humour, do you.

Neither do you, clearly.

And you don't know why she's playing up either but you've decided she's a madam that needs putting in her place just because you know a bratty child. Hence, projecting.

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:31

Connie2468 · 19/09/2022 15:26

The child already knows that isn't true though as she's been sitting in the front already for two years.

Show quote history

Yeah they can if you turn off any air bag and they're in a suitable seat/booster, but that's not the issue here.

My cousin sits in the back of any vehicle her family travels in so her dd can sit the front passenger seat beside Daddy. She's the alpha female so that's her place 😁

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:34

Bookworm777 · 19/09/2022 15:29

Neither do you, clearly.

And you don't know why she's playing up either but you've decided she's a madam that needs putting in her place just because you know a bratty child. Hence, projecting.

Show quote history

Point me to where you've been ironic or humourous.

And you're projecting yourself, assuming she's unhappy and troubled, when the reality is lots of kids play at dominance just like lots of adults.

Oh and the example I've given is if a young adult, if you'd read my post you'd have seen that it was an 11 yr (by the time I dated her father) spell of behaviour. I laid out the age and the time period. (I knew the time period because her Dad and other relatives related it to me).

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:37

(Oh if you mean my cousin's dd; you're pretty nasty calling her bratty. Ateotd it's her parents failure/dysfunction, just like this situation is. .... Ops partner's failure).

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 15:38

I don't understand why you care where you sit in the car...

This whole respect and hierarchy thing drives me up the wall. You earn respect you're not automatically entitled to it because you're older, hierarchy throws in the implication that you're more important which is also bullshit, nobody is more important than anyone else in a family dynamic and a child sure as shit shouldn't be made to feel that they're less important than their parent's partner.

While dsd shouldn't have told you where you have to sit, you need to wise up it's such a dopey non issue that I'm surprised this thread is so long

Bookworm777 · 19/09/2022 15:38

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 15:34

Point me to where you've been ironic or humourous.

And you're projecting yourself, assuming she's unhappy and troubled, when the reality is lots of kids play at dominance just like lots of adults.

Oh and the example I've given is if a young adult, if you'd read my post you'd have seen that it was an 11 yr (by the time I dated her father) spell of behaviour. I laid out the age and the time period. (I knew the time period because her Dad and other relatives related it to me).

Show quote history

So what, you knew someone who once played up at the same age while you dated her dad – that still doesn't make you the expert about this kid. I'm not saying I am either, I'm just not willing to join in the baying 'smack her down' and 'put her in her place' posts from other PP. It's bloody horrible to hear mums talk about a child like that.

Bookworm777 · 19/09/2022 15:41

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 15:38

I don't understand why you care where you sit in the car...

This whole respect and hierarchy thing drives me up the wall. You earn respect you're not automatically entitled to it because you're older, hierarchy throws in the implication that you're more important which is also bullshit, nobody is more important than anyone else in a family dynamic and a child sure as shit shouldn't be made to feel that they're less important than their parent's partner.

While dsd shouldn't have told you where you have to sit, you need to wise up it's such a dopey non issue that I'm surprised this thread is so long

This. ^ Respect should be earned regardless of age and telling kids they must always defer to their elders in hierarchy gives the wrong message. What if that elder is abusing them?

Aeio · 19/09/2022 15:43

I think you should have posted this in step parenting, not aibu, to get more measured responses from people who have actually been there.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/09/2022 15:51

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 15:38

I don't understand why you care where you sit in the car...

This whole respect and hierarchy thing drives me up the wall. You earn respect you're not automatically entitled to it because you're older, hierarchy throws in the implication that you're more important which is also bullshit, nobody is more important than anyone else in a family dynamic and a child sure as shit shouldn't be made to feel that they're less important than their parent's partner.

While dsd shouldn't have told you where you have to sit, you need to wise up it's such a dopey non issue that I'm surprised this thread is so long

@Bintymcbintface

op should just sit in the back then for years or months until when/if her partners daughter deems her worthy of respect and thus able to sit in the front

Nah……

whether you like it is or not there is a hierarchy where kids and adults are concerned and it’s much needed… actually for the kids emotional and physical safety amongst other things

Tootsey11 · 19/09/2022 16:08

I've been there, I stayed. If its not nipped in the bud now it will just get worse and worse. It has taken Dp a long time to realise it wasn't just his DD loving him and being cute, he knows and her mother and extended family that she grew into the most manipulating nasty entitled human being ever. She ruined every holiday, trips out, party and event they attended because the attention wasn't on her and couldn't get her way. She is now under a physiatrist, her 7th one because the first 6 no longer wanted to deal with her.

Put your foot down now, and have a good long conversation with Dp.

Bintymcbintface · 19/09/2022 16:24

She's a kid that wants to sit beside her dad... Which she has been able to do without an issue until OP came along. She shouldn't be dictating things I absolutely agree with that but at the same time, it's sitting in the car and really doesn't matter. There are no safety or legal issues.

Tootsey11 · 19/09/2022 16:33

It's where it leads to, that's the problem. Kids aren't stupid, if they see that they can get what they want in one thing, they won't hold back from pushing for more. Where does it end?

LemonDrop22 · 19/09/2022 16:34

So what, you knew someone who once played up at the same age while you dated her dad

You really really don't read or comprehend people's posts, do you.

mummydoingamasters · 19/09/2022 16:37

My DSS used to do this, or if I was driving, make DH sit in the back with him.

Absolutely fucking comical the steps he would go to to appease that child rather than just say no.

It drove me crackers but luckily it stopped. Not before I drove for 3 hours to London in the front alone like a volunteer chauffeur though.