Sitting in the front of the car

[zebraprint12]

Right, I need to be told if I'm AIBU.

DP's DD is 10. There is a tension between me and her. She is so conflicted. From one side she is cute and lovely, would want to play with me all the time, would talk to me about all sorts of stuff, would get me cards for mothers day, would say I love you, I miss you and would scream happy when I come over.

From the other hand she is jelaous about her dad. That goes to extreme sometimes, DP always reacts to what she does, talks to her, explains why we don't do this or that, except of one situation which is coming back all the time. Sitting in the front of the car.

She always used to sit in the front. For me, kids sit in the back where there is another adult in the car. It is a respect thing. When I have started coming over, I let her do it, then I have gradually started to change it. I didn't want her to be upset and felt like she was pushed out. But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car. Her place is next to daddy in the front.

I have stood my ground a few months and said okay, if she wants to sit in the front, I don't need to be coming with them. I won't be sitting back for a child and play power trips with his DD with her thinking she can dictate where my place is. We told her it is safer for children to sit on the back and it worked for a while but she is challenging it more and more. DP doesn't do anything about it. He is upset with me because I have upset her and says it is a thing between me and her to sort but then he keeps telling her to try and negotiate with me when I say no.

Last night we dropped her off to her mum and she run downstairs like crazy just to be in the car first and to sit in the front and refuse to move.

AIBU? Am I being difficult?

I think the difference here is DP's DD isn't asking to sit in the front, she is demanding to sit in the front and won't be told otherwise.
It's less about the seat, but I'd say more about the way she is expecting and demanding to sit there. What happens if this then leads to her saying she isn't doing her homework any more, or isn't going to brush her teeth any more..

It's about giving children boundaries and knowing the adults make those kinds of decisions, sometimes yes you might allow her to sit in the front with her Dad but that's up to you and DP, not her.
What would happen if DP went out with DD and another adult? Would DD make them sit in the back too or is it just between her and you because she see's you as a change in their relationship..?

I'd just chat with her and say you can ask to sit in the front at times, and sit in the front when it's just you both together, but adults sit in the front. I'm not going to make you move if you sit in the front seat, but I shall drive on those occasions.

We had a simple rule. If you sit in the front you are in charge of navigating. If she can do this well, then that’s a trade and a learn. If she can’t then she has to let you do it.

Perhaps you should read all the OP's posts?

Even my adult kids don’t sit in the front unless I say it’s ok. Dp either sorts it or don’t go. And I’d be making it clear how disrespectful it is.

It's up to your DP where he sits when you're driving, but put your foot down that you're always in the front, or you're not coming.

What a spoilt little madam. No way would I be sitting in the back and never would my kids be allowed to carry on like this

Yes to whoever it was asked of my mother would sit in the back. She would have she wouldn't have cared one bit. I get his daughter doesnt dictate that the OP cant sit in the front if she isnt there that's just silly and they both need to nip that in the bud by saying no that's not happening. OP should drive wherever possible just to avoid this happening and if it becomes symptomatic of other problems then it needs tackling. However the OP said in all other ways she is a lovely kind girl respectful and nice to the OP so for me this isnt worth the fight in this situation. Also any adult that calls a child names deserves not only to sit in the back of the car but to walk...they would never step foot in my car.

I don't understand how it's disrespectful

Yes she shouldn't dictate, but if I had my child in the front seat through choice and my friend said that she wouldn't get in the car unless I move my child, i'd find that very bizarre?! I'd just get in the back and think nothing of it.

Ffs I can't get over the people advocating crushing a little girl by 'putting her in her place', name calling her 'precocious little shit', etc.

It’s embarrassing.

I can only imagine these women have no say in anything in their lives so instead try and get their power fix over a 10 year old.

Oh yes that's the logical conclusion to come to alright ffs 😂

Have yuo heard of seatbelts?

I honestly don’t understand how it’s disrespectful either as I said up thread. Can not work out how sitting in a front seat over a child shows respect. Crazy.

My son sits in the front with me and majority of the time sits in the front even with another adult in the car such as a grandparent etc. Many times the other adult has jumped in the back before my son has even got in the car. Never had anyone say it’s disrespectful or argue they should be in the front.

It’s about not letting a 10 year old belittle others, regardless of who they are, by accessing her inner bolshiness and scrambling to get her own way. Life is soon going to smack her down for that. She needs to learn some grace.

But now, after two years of this she decided and told me that that my permanent place is in the back and I've to sit in the back even if she is not in the car.

Or she’ll do what?

Genuinely- what hellacious consequences could a 10 year old rain down upon you if you refuse to play her game?

@Clymene Yeah I’ve read it. Makes no difference.

There’s more to life than bickering about this. It seems like a desire to control. Who cares who sits in the front or back except for safety?

My Dd who is very tall and was the size of a small adult at 9 and too big for any sort of seat.

Why is it a respect thing? It means nothing

"Belittle" others, "smack her down"? Give over. It's a 10 year who wants to sit next to her dad. Honestly, the hyperbole on this thread.

Genuinely- what hellacious consequences could a 10 year old rain down upon you if you refuse to play her game?

Be rude and stroppy enough with her to attemp to ruin the relationship

Nope. It's the other way around. The 10 year old is power tripping against the OP.

Make her walk

AlisonDonut

A bloke in the back of the car is likely to kill anyone sitting in the front if you have an accident.

You are likely to kill her if you are sat behind her and you have an accident.

You need to tell her it isn't a negotiation, and sit in the front. You are the adult.

@LongLivedQueen I literally came on to say the same as you......the above is only true for an unrestrained adult surely!! Seatbelts are literally designed to stop this sort of thing happening!!

Any unrestrained weight in the rear of the vehicle has the ability to damage in a car accident, that why if you are putting something heavy in your car you should put it in the boot, foot well or restrain it with a seat belt.

I've read it all now. 🙄She's not power tripping, she's a 10-year-old kid who just wants to be her dad's centre of attention while in the car, which is perfectly understandable as the child of divorced parents. OP is a grown adult who instead of being incredibly petty by refusing to get in the car unless she can sit in the front seat should perhaps show the kid a bit more empathy. She's causing a fuss because she's clearly unhappy and is doing this to articulate it.

I would drive , every time she gets into the passenger seat , you drive .

Your DP needs to have a serious word.

I'd be refusing any further car journeys with the two of them tbh

Jesus. She's a 10 year old child who's lost her normal family life and just wants to be next to her daddy. OP admits she is otherwise a nice kid, but it's a fucking car seat ffs. She's a sad little girl. Cut her some slack. You nasty lot on here should be ashamed of yourselves. Obviously not many with children of the same age, and not a scrap of empathy for this little girl.